I found out this evening that my paternal grandmother died today, and a small graveside service is being held on Sunday. My father didn’t really have any details except to say a rabbi would be there performing the service.
He asked that my wife and I both wear head coverings. I have a couple of questions, though:
–Is all black clothing traditional etiquette for a Jewish funeral? My grandmother was not Orthodox; I don’t know if that matters or not.
–Is a hat of some kind appropriate, or should I definitely get a yarmulke? Is it disrespectful for a gentile to wear a yarmulke to such a ceremony? What about Leigh-Anne; is a simple scarf OK for her?
–I haven’t been to a religious ceremony of any kind in several years, and not to a Jewish one since my cousing’s wedding about 14 years ago. Is there anything else I might expect that might be unusual to me?
If Chaim or anyone else who can answer these for me could post here, or e-mail me at pldennison@peta.net, I’d really appreciate it.
In case any observant posters don’t respond (Chaim is definitely gone till sundown Saturday), I’ve been to enough Jewish funerals that I can offer some assistance. This is all from memory, so YMMV.
As with any funeral, black is preferred but not mandatory. Any sufficiently somber business suit will do.
You may want to bring a hat just in case, but in all likelihood, the cemetary will have disposable yarlmulkes available. These are preferable.
A scarf is fine for Mrs. D., subject to all the normal rules for scarves at funerals.
Nothing unusual. There may or may not be a kaddish, a prayer for the dead. 10 or more observant men are required for this. Appropriate responses for the non-observant will be available there.
Here is a site with more information. Hopefully, someone else will also post with more info.
My condolences on your loss.
Manny got most of 'em, but it is definitely not disrepectful for a non-Jew to wear a yarmulke – it is probably disrespectful for them not to do so.
Has your father mentioned anything about you being a pallbearer? Immediate family (like your father) cannot do it, but I think grandchildren can and often do.
Far from disrespectful, it would be impolite NOT to wear some sort of head covering. There will almost certainly be yalmukas (skull-caps) provided, but any reasonable conservative head covering will do (your Ren Fair helmet with it’s bright red plume would likely be out of place.)
Similarly, any conservative dark clothing is fine. Traditionally, the immediate family (children, siblings, spouse, etc) would tear a garment that they wear. Very orthodox tend to actually tear a shirt, or tie; many funeral homes provide a little black ribbon on a pin that one tears. (Seems to me that snipping that little ribbon with a nail scissors is nowhere near as satisfying as an expression of anger/grief than tearing a garment, but never mind me.)
The officiating rabbi will know how to let people know what to do, where to stand, etc.
Just do what the others do, you can’t go too far wrong.
Often at the end of the service, each person will throw a shovelful of dirt on the coffin.
There may be a pitcher of water for ritual washing of the hands as you leave the cemetary (just pour a little water from the pitcher on each hand.)
Most of Jewish death and funeral rituals have to do with the living, not the dead, and with helping the mourners to cope with the death and to adjust to life with the loss.
Dex said:
Forgot about that. But it would have been pretty obvious in a hurry while he was there.
Or it may be at the entrance to the shiva house, if he’s going there. (The shiva house is where people go after the funeral, to sit, talk, eat, and sometimes pray.)
Thanks for the information, guys. Nobody has mentioned anything about being a pallbearer, but truth be told, I’m not that close with my father’s side of the family, at least not for the last several years. I also have six cousins between my two aunts (her daughters), so highly doubtful.
My family is so Reform, they’re practically Protestant (ha ha), but they do tend to respect the ceremonial nature of funerals and weddings, so I appreciate knowing in advance what to expect. Thanks again.