Some of you have seen my XP post from a while back. . Now Windows has grown from a whiny toddler to an insolent teenager, and it’s time for a roast…
Son, it’s time we had a talk.
I know you’re into Linux and Mac OSX. When I was your age, I liked stuff outside the mainstream, too. You should have seen me during my speed metal days, but I digress.
Fact is, even though you might like to be Linux or OSX, you’re not. You come from a long line of bloated operating systems that have more holes than a slice of swiss cheese. So cut the act and learn to be a little bit more true to your roots. Your mom and I didn’t raise you this way.
For example, while your mom and I love that you ask permission to do things, we don’t like it when you ask if its okay to do something right after we’ve just told you to do it. Like when we wanted to install Nero, we told you “Please install Nero” and you said you needed our permission. It’s pretty much a given that if we ask you to install something, we’re giving you permission to do so. So quit second-guessing your parents. We know you want to be more Linux-like, but it’s not like you even ask for an administrator password or anything like that. So if you’re going to snottily emulate Linux, at least do it right. As your parents, we’d prefer that you not do it at all.
Your mom and I also like the fact that you’re learning to recognize the system components we have hooked up, and automatically load the right drivers and whatnot. It shows you’re getting more mature and one day, when you’re a fully-grown operating system, you’ll be able to do this every time without making mistakes. For right now, though, don’t pretend you know what’s best for your dear old Dad, and quit insisting that YOU know what the right driver is. Your dad has been doing this shit for quite some time, and even though you’re growing up, sometimes we know what’s best and you should listen to us instead of insisting that a perfectly good device driver doesn’t meet your requirements. You can’t immediately expect every goddamn device manufacturer to drop what they’re doing immediately and conform to your expectations just because you’ve entered your teenage years. It might take them some time to meet your expectations with respect to drivers, so quit pretending like the world revolves around you.
Now, you’ve been playing with Outlook since you were a little kid. You know how he stores e-mail and you know that he’s a little bit bloated. But we’ve got news for you. So are you. So stop pretending that you don’t know what his archive files are. You two have known one another long enough that you shouldn’t be bickering about the particulars of an archive file format. Your utter refusal to cooperate is just plan silly, and it makes you look like a snot. You’re still hanging out with Excel, Word and all the other Office applications? Why exclude Outlook? He’s a reasonably nice kid and we know his parents. Be nice.
About that near-constant play for attention… Yes, we know you’re developing new features all the time as you grow toward adulthood. But part of being an adult is knowing when you’re being helpful to somebody and when you’re being an insufferable attention whore. We told you half a dozen times we didn’t want to hear about your new features on startup. Yet, every time we boot up, there you are, bragging about how cool you are and all the new things you can do. The thing you need to understand, son, is that sometimes Daddy just needs to write his weekly column, and he can’t drop what he’s doing just to learn about Gadgets or Windows Mail or any of the other things you want to talk about.
We know you’re growing up fast, and we don’t want to discourage you, but if you’re going to learn to be an adult, you have to stop acting like other operating sytems that have less market share, like some emo kid with a new Dashboard Confessional CD. That’s not you. Stop excluding your friends just because. Stop begging for attention at every turn. Only then can you grow into a real, adult OS.
Love,
Your Parents
