Christians dating atheists...who has more of a problem with it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The Christian, or the atheist? I’m a reasonably devout United Methodist. I attend church every Sunday, I sing in the choir, I play in the bell choir, I serve on two committees. I don’t pray every day, or read the Bible regularly, or get involved in a Sunday school class, or go on retreats. But I do consider my faith to be important to my life, and I would like to find a man to be in a relationship with that feels the same way. My ex-husband was nominally Christian, but hasn’t been to church since our son was baptized. I was fine with that when we were married. It really didn’t bother me that he stopped going to church, and most of the time he was too hung over anyways (whole 'nother issue!).

That all being said, I think I would have no problem being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe as I do. I would respect that someone had made a choice based on their experience and study, and while we might have a few lively discussions, I wouldn’t disparage them for their choice. Many, many, many of the women in my church have spouses who do not attend, and I’m sure quite a few don’t believe. And their relationships work. Having the same level of faith as I do is not a requirement for a good relationship.

But from many of the things that have been posted here by atheists, I feel that many atheists would be less accepting of a potential partner who is a believer. I hear a lot of put-downs of the faithful, and a ton of disparaging remarks about the intellectual level of Christians. And I think that sort of “smarter-than-thou” attitude would be more of a deterrent to a solid relationship than the actual difference in belief.

I have an online friend who is very atheist, and he is constantly surprised by his relationship to me. He spends most of his time with pagans, and had some very definite anti-Christian beliefs that apparently I have shaken his perception of, and even though he will still come out with a very prejudiced anti-believer comment, he respects my belief. And he has noticed that I never once have disparaged him for his non-belief.

So how many Dopers have a mixed relationship in this regard? And how many atheists here feel they could never, ever, have a relationship with a Christian, even one who isn’t a fantical born-again evangelical? Do any of the Christians here think they could never have a lasting relationship with an atheist? And what about the other religions that are represented here?

2

I’ve dated believers, though not devout ones. Their families were more invested than my boyfriends ever were. I have never dated a church-going guy. Come to think of it, they were so non-invested that whatever belief they claimed was pretty much filed in the :rolleyes: department.

3

I couldn’t date seriously a Christian (or any other religion, lets say). . .certainly not some kind of ltr, or possible marriage. I’m just not going to connect with someone on a deep level that believes those things.

And, I have no concept of what kind of “lively discussion” would be at all possible.

4

As a card-carrying atheist, I have to say that I would have few problems with a religious person as long as she didn’t flaunt her faith, or try and make me live my life differently because of it. This would rule out an orthodox Jew, for example, who would want me to start keeping kosher. Deal-breaker.

Discussions, even disagreements, on matters of faith / lack would be fine, and in fact stimulating! But I’m not willing to change my life **significantly **to accommodate demands made by a religious person in the name of religion.

BTW the god I lack faith in is mostly the Jewish one rather than the Christian one, if it makes any difference (or sense :))

5

So are you saying that you feel there could be no discussion of belief at all…it’s either your way or no way? That you wouldn’t even be interested to learn how a Christian thinks and feels about faith, and why they’ve made the decision to believe? That seems to me to be the attitude that is more of a relationship killer, and makes the atheist viewpoint seem way more judgemental. Not that some fundies don’t have a stranglehold on judgemental themselves, but for this discussion I’d rather leave them out.

6

I’m an unbeliever and I’m married to a Christian. Religion isn’t deeply discussed and when it is discussed there isn’t any animosity. I respect her beliefs and she respects mine.

7

You’re in a bell-choir? That’s neat. Is it hard? How often do you get to perform?

Sorry - totally off-topic. But I’ve always like the sound of handbells.

StG

8

I was shagging a Catholic woman.

She would become overcome with guilt and fear, and go and confess to the local priest. Then she’d be okay, but she’d worry that I was going to burn in Hell for all eternity.

On the other hand, my only concern was for her concerns about the act.

So, I guess it’s better for me. Atheist 1 : Christian 0

9

You just don’t get it.

No sooner would I have a discussion with someone about their belief in god than I would listen to them tell me about their belief in ghosts/faeries/angels/unicorns. Atheists can only say it so many times in so many ways.

Religious indicates to me that on a fundamental level, the person is willing to completely abandon logic and reality. I see no way how I can connect with such a person on the level that I have connected with someone like my wife.

Besides, I do have an understanding of how Xians feels about their faith, and no, I don’t find it interesting. I was raised in the Catholic church. I was an altar boy. Two of my great aunts were nuns. Our friends and family were Eucharistic ministers, parish council members. My family is/was good friends with priests. They would come to our house for parties.

I love and respect them all, but I couldn’t be married to them.

10

I can say with all certainty that the person who would have the most problem with me dating an atheist would have been my father. It would have crushed him.

11

Well, not to answer for anyone else, but if you don’t “get” it at it’s most basic level (the existence of a caring supernatural being), the discussion is going to be quite different from one that occurs between, say, people of different faiths or different degrees of faith.

12

People change over time. My wife was raised Roman Catholic, attended a Catholic school through high school and once even wanted to become a nun. I was raised Methodist, with a serious suspicion of the Catholic church. When we married, we both had drifted away from our respective faiths, both had serious questions. Those questions seemed to be answered in the Episcopal Church, with which we both were comfortable enough to pass the doctrine and faith on to our sons. My own faith was re-kindled to the point that I looked into Canon IX priesthood.

Twenty years later, she still prays, still clutches her rosary when we fly, still believes in an afterlife. I’m as atheist as they come. We get along fine with her amalgam of catholic crutches and my refusal to go near a church (except for the requisite weddings and funerals.)

My point is, no matter how hard you try to match yourself with someone who shares your religious beliefs, there is no guarantee that person is going to continue to be steadfast in their beliefs. Atheists have been known to accept religion based on deep spiritual experiences; more often, faith is shaken and destroyed by experience and extensive study. Catholics become Mormons, Jews become Catholics, Baptists become Episcopalians, agnostics become atheists and atheists become Unitarians. Religion is a person, individual thing. Ultimately, you have a relationship with the person, not with his/her religious belief.

13

Having been married for 20 years it is hard for me to remember dating, but have to observe that a non-believer would be seriously reducing their prospective dating pool if they were to limit their prospects to fellow non-believers. And I’d think it would take at least a couple of dates before one’s personal philosophy necessarily intruded.

But for anything beyond casual sex, I would have a hard time developing an intimate relationship with someone whose personal beliefs were strongly at odds with mine. Since I reject all things supernatural, I would not wish to intertwine my life with someone who strongly accepts irrational beliefs of any kind.

I guess I could imagine being married to someone who had some vague religious leaning that they did not act strongly upon. But I suspect that the fact that my wife and I recognized each other as sharing our disbelief played a not-insignificant role in our decision to pursue a life together.

Also, a lot would depend on the strength of the individual’s disbelief. If someone were agnostic or just thought that religion wasn’t all that important, then I can imagine they would be more comfortable with a religious partner. But if someone were a strong atheist and considered religion irrational, they might well have a tougher time.

I think it is hard for most believers to appreciate how much in the minority unbelievers are, or the countless ways they are regularly looked down upon. IME, a christian is more likely to feel an affinity with a muslim or hindu, than an atheist, simply because they share a belief in SOMETHING supernatural - even if their chosen irrational beliefs might be mutually exclusive.

14

I’ve attended UU churches for maybe 15 years, and know of at least 2 married couples that split when one of the couple developed strong christian beliefs. I’m not sure which members initiated the split, but suspected it was essentially mutual. The newly evangelicals could not live with disbelieving sinners who were damned to an eternity in hell, and the disbelievers could not accept that their life partners appeared to have taken leave of their senses.

15

I’m an atheist, who’s been married to a Catholic for 30 years now. As long as you respect each other’s beliefs (or non-beliefs), there’s no problem.

We got married in a Catholic Church, and (because the priest got the agreed wording wrong, and I didn’t want to cause a fuss) I promised to raise my children as Catholics. Well, we’ve had 4 children, and I didn’t stand in the way of them becoming Catholic, but they’ve all grown up pretty atheist (except for the one who tends towards neo-paganism). And I even go to mass one or two times each year (but I don’t receive communion, of course).

But I think I’d have problems with a more fundamentalist Christian, who believed in a literal interpretation of the Bible, and who had trouble understanding other points of view.

16

I don’t have a mixed relationship, but there is advice in the New Testament that believers should not be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers.

I would not have married my wife if she were an atheist. Too many mixed messages for the kids, plus we would not have had something very important in common.

If God is real, then there is nothing more important. I can’t share my life with someone who doesn’t see that.

Regards,
Shodan

17

But every Christian is different, as is every atheist. I’m always interested in finding out how people made their choices, what experiences shaped them, and how they deal with the faith/logic conundrum. For example, I’d be very interested to find out what happened to convince you that only those things that are logical or measurable have any value for you, especially since you have a religious background. I’d like to compare histories and see where your choices and mine diverged. That kind of discussion I find helps me connect with people on that deeper level. So it’s not a matter of me not getting it. I understand that for you, logic and reality outweigh everything else. I’m just curious as to how that plays out in your life and relationships. Since you seem to have found someone who shares that outlook, that’s great. But I can see how hard it must be for you to have any kind of relationship with someone who doesn’t think as you do.

18

My wife is a liberal Catholic. It’s not an issue for us. I’d have more of a problem trying to have a relationship with a fundamentalist or a political conservative.

19

Children are born into a world in which they are always going to get mixed messages, so they need to learn how to cope with that (by thinking for themselves). The fact that Mum and Dad don’t agree on everything – even on important things – should teach them a few lessons, including the fact that Mum and Dad aren’t always right, and that peoiple can disagree on important issues and still remain together in a loving relationship.

I think it would be pretty boring if a married couple agreed on everything – and I also think it’s unlikely to happen unless at least one is suppressing his or her beliefs.

20

I’m a Christian but not devout like kittenblue. My current boyfriend is an atheist - but one of his strongest “beliefs” is in freedom of religion, so he doesn’t give me shit about being a Christian. It’s never really come up. Although I did have to sort of “bite my tongue” when his grandmother died and I wanted to console him.