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  #1  
Old 07-20-2007, 01:04 AM
NoCoolUserName NoCoolUserName is offline
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Jokes with a musical punchline

Not jokes about musicians, jokes where a melody is part of the setup or the punchline. Do you know any? I know one--I'll tell it later in the thread if no one else has.
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  #2  
Old 07-20-2007, 01:06 AM
Otto Otto is offline
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Knock knock.

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Sam and Janet who?

Sam and Janet evening!
SPOILER:
Some enchanted evening, from South Pacific
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  #3  
Old 07-20-2007, 01:09 AM
Kozmik Kozmik is offline
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Doh!
A deer!
A female deer.
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  #4  
Old 07-20-2007, 01:28 AM
VanillaGorilla VanillaGorilla is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kozmik
Doh!
A deer!
A female deer.
I demand you explain this!




(yeah, it's from the simpsons, right? Or maybe it originated somewhere else? Anyway, I don't get it)
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  #5  
Old 07-20-2007, 01:32 AM
Kozmik Kozmik is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Etumretniw
it's from the simpsons, right?
Bart Gets an Elephant


You have to see it to get it (the joke, not the elephant).
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  #6  
Old 07-20-2007, 01:48 AM
BraheSilver BraheSilver is offline
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What does the Lone Ranger do in the bathroom?
SPOILER:
Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump-dump-dump!
Sorry.
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  #7  
Old 07-20-2007, 02:03 AM
bienville bienville is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BraheSilver
What does the Lone Ranger do in the bathroom?
SPOILER:
Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump-dump-dump!
Sorry.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant??
SPOILER:
Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaant!
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  #8  
Old 07-20-2007, 02:19 AM
lowbrass lowbrass is offline
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I know a couple, but you actually have to sing the tunes. It would be impossible to tell the jokes in writing. One's about a jazz musician who dies and goes to heaven, but there's no jazz in heaven. The other is about a sax player who can't play the bridge to Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
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  #9  
Old 07-20-2007, 04:11 AM
Hazle Weatherfield Hazle Weatherfield is offline
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Just the punchlines:

Guess who drowned in the lake today, doo dah, doo dah (very stupid joke.)

Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
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  #10  
Old 07-20-2007, 05:22 AM
MrDibble MrDibble is online now
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punchline: "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco"
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  #11  
Old 07-20-2007, 05:25 AM
WF Tomba WF Tomba is offline
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Well, there's always the story of the Fabulous Tiz Bottle . . .
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  #12  
Old 07-20-2007, 05:44 AM
Malacandra Malacandra is offline
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Beethoven's manservant came to tender his resignation. Poor Ludwig was distraught: "Heinrich! Whatever will I do without you? You are a jewel of a servant, and what it more, my most fruitful inspiration!" Heinrich was amused. "Master is pleased to jest. What, a genius like him who has already written four of the most divine symphonies ever to grace the ear of the listener? Inspired by a tuneless clod like me? Why, that is funny! Ha-ha-ha-haaa! Ha-ha-ha-haaa!"
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  #13  
Old 07-20-2007, 06:33 AM
Idlewild Idlewild is offline
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So there's this wonderful monastery where the monks perform each of the nine services of the day in chanting. Every morning they get up for Matins and the Abbot greets the monks by chanting "Good morning, brothers", and in response they chant back in unison "Good morning, Father." and then they chant the service. It's beautiful. They chant through the cycle of services during the day, and at Vespers, the Abbot chants "Good evening, brothers" and the monks respond with "Good evening, Father."

It's a beautiful morning, one Matins, as all the brothers file into the chapel to begin the service. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, it's a great morning to be alive. The atmosphere in the chapel is relaxed and joyful as the Abbot chants "Good morning brothers." A disharmony of voices is heard; most of the monks chant back, "Good morning, Father," but one monk, distracted, chants "Good evening, Father."

Suddenly there is a tension in the air. The Abbot looks grim as he peers at each of the monks, searching their faces. He clears his throat and lifts his voice in song:

SPOILER:
"Someone chanted evening"
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  #14  
Old 07-20-2007, 07:31 AM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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Frog goes into a bank with a little geegaw and meets with the new loan officer Miss Paddywhack. . .yadda yadda yadda

"That's a knick knack Paddywhack, give the frog a loan."
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  #15  
Old 07-20-2007, 07:38 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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A guy gets a job driving a school bus. The first day he goes out, driving a bus with Sesame Street characters on it. He thinks the route is cool because he only has to make three stops and pick up four kids.

First stop two very fat girls get on the bus. First one says "My name's Patty." Second one says "My name's Patty too.

Second stop a really strange kid gets on and says "My name's Ross and I'm so special everyone calles me Special Ross."

Third stop a black kid gets on and says "Yo, whazzup? I'm Lester G."

The guy starts driving them to the school when he smells smothing awful. He looks in the rear view mirror and sees that Lester G has taken off his sneaker and is picking at a huge bunion on his foot. The guy drivers to the school at 100 miles per hour, drops the kids off, goes back to the garage, gets off the bus and screams "I QUIT."

The supervisor asks "What's wrong?"

The guy says "What's wrong? What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong"

SPOILER:
You've got me driving two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 07-20-2007 at 07:39 AM..
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  #16  
Old 07-20-2007, 07:59 AM
Khadaji Khadaji is offline
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One of my favorite bad puns:

Ringo became a gentleman farmer, but was having no success. His neighbor's animals were all strong and healthy, so he went and asked him the secret to his success.

"well, for chickens, you wanna plant some corn." The farmer said.

"Right, a field of corn for chickens." Ringo replied.

"And for horses, you wanna plant some corn." The farmer said.

"Right, a field of corn for horses." Ringo replied.

"And for cows, you wanna..."

"I know, I know," Rigno butts in, "I want a field of corn."

"No," replied the farmer, "everyone knows it strawberry fields for heifers."
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  #17  
Old 07-20-2007, 08:07 AM
Amp Amp is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Khadaji
One of my favorite bad puns:

Ringo became a gentleman farmer, but was having no success. His neighbor's animals were all strong and healthy, so he went and asked him the secret to his success.

"well, for chickens, you wanna plant some corn." The farmer said.

"Right, a field of corn for chickens." Ringo replied.

"And for horses, you wanna plant some corn." The farmer said.

"Right, a field of corn for horses." Ringo replied.

"And for cows, you wanna..."

"I know, I know," Rigno butts in, "I want a field of corn."

"No," replied the farmer, "everyone knows it strawberry fields for heifers."
Don't get it. Please explain.
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  #18  
Old 07-20-2007, 08:10 AM
mobo85 mobo85 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amp
Don't get it. Please explain.
Strawberry Fields Forever (The Beatles)
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  #19  
Old 07-20-2007, 08:11 AM
asterion asterion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amp
Don't get it. Please explain.
The Beatles song, "Strawberry Fields Forever." I don't understand the song, just the joke.
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  #20  
Old 07-20-2007, 10:24 AM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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Many classic feghoots were song lyrics. My favorite:

"A gritty pearl is Michael, L.L.D."

There's also the classic:

"That's just the furry with the syringe on top."

There's also Isaac Asimov's story "Death of a Foy," which ends:

SPOILER:
Give my big hearts to Maud, Ray.
Remember me to Harold's choir
Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete
that I will soon be there. . . "
(Technically, the made-up word that ends the third stanza disqualifies it from being a feghoot, since the pure form requires only existing words.)
__________________
Author of Staroamer's Fate and Syron's Fate, now back in print.

Last edited by RealityChuck; 07-20-2007 at 10:26 AM..
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  #21  
Old 07-20-2007, 11:02 AM
saoirse saoirse is offline
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There are two friends, Bob Jones and Sam Frank. Bob was a nice guy, but Sam was a gangster and killed a lot of people. They both dies, and Bob went to heaven, while Sam went to hell. One day Bob decided to visit Sam. He goes down to hell, and he sees that Sam has taken it over, and turned into a very popular dance club. He spends the evning dancing and socializing, and then returns to heaven intime for celestial choir practice. When he gets there, he looks around, and says "Oh No!" The choir director asks, "What's wrong Bob?"

SPOILER:
"I left my harp
In Sam Frank's Disco!"


(And don't forget the Annamaria Alberghetti knock knock joke from Mary Tyler Moore)
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  #22  
Old 07-20-2007, 11:04 AM
rhythmonly rhythmonly is offline
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Why should you be careful when walking on ice?

Because if you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat.
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  #23  
Old 07-20-2007, 11:23 AM
FlyingCowOfDoom FlyingCowOfDoom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhythmonly
Why should you be careful when walking on ice?

Because if you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat.
What does a piano falling down a mine shaft sound like?

A flat minor!

--FCOD
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  #24  
Old 07-20-2007, 03:24 PM
Kairos Kairos is offline
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A man goes in to his doctor's office and says "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat' and 'The Green Green Grass of Home!'"

The doctor examines him, and when he's done he says "Well, it looks like you've got Tom Jones syndrome."

The patient says "Oh my, is it common?"

The doctor replies "It's Not Unusual."
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  #25  
Old 07-20-2007, 03:35 PM
Mister Rik Mister Rik is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RealityChuck
There's also Isaac Asimov's story "Death of a Foy," which ends:

SPOILER:
Give my big hearts to Maud, Ray.
Remember me to Harold's choir
Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete
that I will soon be there. . . "
(Technically, the made-up word that ends the third stanza disqualifies it from being a feghoot, since the pure form requires only existing words.)
Actually, the second line was:
SPOILER:
Dismember me for Harold's choir
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  #26  
Old 07-20-2007, 03:42 PM
Sternvogel Sternvogel is offline
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Punchline to joke about Mahatma Gandhi: "A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!"
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  #27  
Old 07-20-2007, 03:59 PM
Lama Pacos Lama Pacos is offline
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Knock knock.

Who's there?

Jose.

Jose who?

Jose can you seeeeeee...
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  #28  
Old 07-20-2007, 04:00 PM
samclem samclem is offline
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Punchline to "singing telegram" joke:

"da-da-da-da-da-da-Dum---You're sister Rose is dead...."
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  #29  
Old 07-20-2007, 05:06 PM
SurrenderDorothy SurrenderDorothy is offline
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what's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

ba-na-na-NAAAAAAA..... ba-na-na-NAAAAAAA
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  #30  
Old 07-20-2007, 05:09 PM
SSG Schwartz SSG Schwartz is offline
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Or there's my personal favorite about the guy who gets the job playing piano in the upscale piano bar.

Punchline: Know it, I wrote the m****r f****r!!!!

SSG Schwartz
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  #31  
Old 07-20-2007, 08:22 PM
Peter Morris Peter Morris is offline
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... demons are a ghoul's best fiend.
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  #32  
Old 07-20-2007, 11:48 PM
TV time TV time is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RealityChuck
Many classic feghoots were song lyrics. My favorite:

"A gritty pearl is Michael, L.L.D."

There's also the classic:

"That's just the furry with the syringe on top."

There's also Isaac Asimov's story "Death of a Foy," which ends:

SPOILER:
Give my big hearts to Maud, Ray.
Remember me to Harold's choir
Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete
that I will soon be there. . . "
(Technically, the made-up word that ends the third stanza disqualifies it from being a feghoot, since the pure form requires only existing words.)
With a literary bent for me:

Keats and and Percy Bythe Shelly were checking into a hotel in Rome and they were behind a very old nun of some obscure order in Rome to view the Pope and Percy Bythe kept trying to cut in front of the ancient sister and register. Finally Keats tells his friend, "Wait 'til the nun signs Shelly."

I heard this one years ago on some television show and I have never been able to tell it because it so bad and the occasion never rolled around.

A man was walking along a path and found a tiny sick bird he nursed it back to health and named it Rary because he had looked everywhere to try to find out just what sort of bird it was, and it was so rare he could find nothing about it. The one thing he did find, however, was it was eating an incredible amount of food and growing and growing and growing. soon it was the size of a large dog and soon it was the size of a very fat man. He tried to set it free, but it would not go. Clearly, it was too large to fly. Finally when it became the size of a small car he rented a dump truck and drove the bird to the Grand Canyon and backed it up to the edge and started the dumper action into motion, the bird looked over the edge and then locked its mournful eyes with the man who was guiltily looking back. That was when the bird spoke for the first time, "It's a long way to tip a Rary."
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  #33  
Old 07-21-2007, 12:12 AM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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If actress Kaye Ballard had married astronaut Wally Schirra, divorced him, and then re-married to a man of the same surname, she would have been Kaye Schirra-Schirra.
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  #34  
Old 07-21-2007, 12:28 AM
astorian astorian is offline
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Old, old church joke, that really only works if you can sing Gregorian chant.

One Sunday, during a high Mass at a Catholic Church, one day and the priest chanted, "Oh Lord, I am the priest and I only make $100 a week, and that's not enough...' The bishop followed and chanted, 'Oh Lord, I am the bishop and I only make $200 a week, and that's not enough.' And then the organist got up and sang, 'I am the organist and I make $3,000 a week, and . . . . There's no business like show business . . .'
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  #35  
Old 07-21-2007, 03:51 AM
buns3000 buns3000 is offline
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There's also a joke with the punchline "I can see Deirdre now Lorraine has gone..."
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  #36  
Old 07-21-2007, 03:55 AM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband, the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the next morning. Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit. Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high altitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level. Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable. Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the damages and the prospects for the morrow. After one look he delivered his verdict: ....

SPOILER:
"Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."
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  #37  
Old 07-21-2007, 10:18 AM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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That's one of the first jokes I remember hearing.
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  #38  
Old 07-21-2007, 10:51 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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A man told his too good friends Marge and Tina that he was dying. When they both burst into tears, he said "Don't Cry For Me Marge and Tina"
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  #39  
Old 07-21-2007, 11:46 AM
LurkMeister LurkMeister is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazle Weatherfield
Just the punchlines:

Guess who drowned in the lake today, doo dah, doo dah (very stupid joke.)

Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
Stolen from Spider Robinson, who may or may not have borrowed it from someone else:
Quote:
This happened to me just last week. I went into the city for a party, and I left it too late, and it was the wrong neighborhood of New York for a civilian to be in at that time of night, right? A dreadful error! Never been so scared in my life. I’m walking on tippy-toe, looking in every doorway I pass and trying to look insolvent, and the burning question in my mind is, ‘Are the crosstown buses still running?’ Because if they are, I can catch one a block away that’ll take me to bright lights and safety—but I’ve forgotten how late the crosstown bus keeps running in this part of town. It’s my only hope. I keep on walking, scared as hell. And when I get to the bus stop, there, leaning up against a mailbox, is the biggest, meanest-looking, ugliest, blackest man I have ever seen in my life. Head shaved, three days’ worth of beard, big scar on his face, hands in his pockets.”

Not a sound in the joint.

“So the essential thing is not to let them know you’re scared. I put a big grin on my face, and I walk right up to him, and I stammer, ‘Uh…crosstown bus run all night long?’ And the fella goes…” Tommy mimed a ferocious-looking giant with his hands in his pockets. Then suddenly he yanked them out, clapped them rhythmically, and sang, “Doo-dah, doo-dah!”
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  #40  
Old 07-21-2007, 12:33 PM
F. U. Shakespeare F. U. Shakespeare is offline
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What did Mick Jagger say when he saw Hugh Grant having sex with Dennis Weaver?

"Hey! Hey! Hugh! Hugh!, get off of McCloud!"
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  #41  
Old 07-21-2007, 04:10 PM
astorian astorian is offline
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A Russian Communist named Rudolf Romanov was driving through the countryside road with his wife, when he saw that the sky looked overcast. He said, "It's definitely about to rain."

His wife said, "No, it isn't. It's just a few isolated clouds."

"No," he said. "It's going to rain, for sure."

"But the weather reports say it will be sunny," she told him."

"Trust me," he said. "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
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