ok, background first of all. I’m 27, she’s 21, we’ve been together for about 10 months, and knew each other for about a year before that. I have a longer dating and relationship history than her, but this was the most serious and loving relationship that both of us have ever been in. We live in different states so only see each other on multi day visits every couple weeks, but usually talk every day.
So she goes on this vacation with her family at the beginning of Sept…her phone and wireless is spotty on the trip so I didn’t hear from her very much on the trip. She gets back on Monday night, but is too busy with work and errands to talk to me until last night.
She told me that she had a lot of time to THINK during her vacation, and realized that ever since she’s been with me, she’s been acting different and doing things that she never would have done if she didn’t know me. Without going into specifics, most of the examples she gave were sexual or could be seen as sexual by some people (she thinks that showering together just to shower is sexual, while I consider it the same as having a romantic meal together), but also mentioned an incident where she agreed to steal something from one of her friend’s house for me – something that friend would never notice was taken (in retrospect, she wanted that item liberated too!)
She started to claim at first that I was MAKING her act differently. While it is true that at the start of our relationship, I made requests of things she didn’t want to do, I soon learned that she never does anything she doesn’t WANT to do, and stopped asking. Eventually, she decided to do some of these things with me, but not until I made her assure me that she WANTED to do them, and wasn’t just doing them as a favor to me.
She soon changed her tone, and said that it wasn’t ME specifically demanding that she do things, but the aspect of being with me that compelled her to try to make me happy. I was ready to laugh at this point, and explained to her that the feeling is called being in love.
No offense, but I think your ex-gf is a smart girl. That feeling is not “being in love.” It’s desperation. Wanting to be a better person because of someone is part of being in love, not wanting to steal or do things that you wouldn’t normally do because of your moral standards.
I am sorry that you are hurting, but asking someone to come down to your level instead of rising to theirs is…well…not ok.
(sorry, ím posting from my treo, which has a text size limit, so this will be a 2 or 3 parter)
and that its a feeling that billions of people have, and she said (totally seriously) that she doesn’t want me, or anybody else, to ever have that control over her, and that’s why we can’t remain in a relationship. I kept trying to assure her that there shouldn’t be anything wrong with being in a relationship like that, and nothing wrong with trying to make me happy – by only doing things that she was SURE she was going to be comfortable doing – and that I try every day to make her feel good feelings too, even things that I’d otherwise not want to spend my time on.
She wasn’t listening, and even accused me of trying to forcibly change her mind, as the latest example of the way I ‘control’ her. I was so confused about where this was all coming from, and why all of a sudden she felt so bad about the way our relationship was, that I was really at a loss of words, and was too confused to even be sad – it was like I was talking to a person I’ve never met before! it wasn’t until after I hung up the phone that I finally broke down and cried.
the other really strange thing was that her voice completely lacked emotion the entire time. Her voice is ALWAYS full of emotion, so that I can always tell her mood, but she spoke every word to me in monotone, like I was talking to a robot. The only exception was when I asked her to put herself in my shoes and see how I feel, and then she put her phone down for a minute and when she came back it sounded like she was crying…but got back to her strange new self pretty fast.
anyway, since this is MPSIMS and not IMHO, make of it what you will…
Sounds more like the feeling is called being manipulated, even though you both allowed it to happen (and probably weren’t aware of it).
It’s very clear to me that she has NOT been comfortable with the various things she has done, despite her assurances to the contrary (at the time). For whatever reasons, she obviously feels the need to act significantly differently around you in order to make you happy, and she’s been lying to you – and probably herself, as well – about just how “ok” she’s been with everything. During her vaction she realized what’s been going on, and she doesn’t like it. Which is a perfectly reasonable reaction. Of course this information comes as a complete shock to you, because it was probably a surprise to her, too. Neither of you knowingly did anything wrong, and the breakup isn’t anyone’s “fault”: she simply realized something about herself that makes her no longer a good partner for you. It’s a risk you take when you hook up with a 21-year-old.
Don’t confuse her insecurity/lack of self-knowledge (which I think is perfectly acceptable at her age) with “love,” though. There are degrees of “I don’t want to do this”: being in love means that you go to a play or sporting event every now and then just because you know it will make your partner happy. It doesn’t mean that you start stealing or performing sexual acts that you are physically/morally uncomfortable with just to make your partner happy, even if you initially delude yourself about your comfort level. That’s infatuation, not love.
stealing might be the wrong word to use here, depending on your views. I didn’t want to get specific in the post, but the object being stolen was a computer file. And that happened back in January, and hasn’t been brought up SINCE then.
Yeah, getting her to steal for you? Over the line. Give her the walking papers she needs.
The monotone voice? If I had to guess, she was telling a friend that you dragged her out of her comfort zone, and the friend coached her on what to say.
Your best bet here is to tell her that you want to live in her comfort zone, and that you fully support her choices. Then back off and let the chips fall where they may.
Sounds to me like she doesn’t like who she is when she is with you. Sounds to me like you use emotional manipulation to get her to do what you want. Sounds to me like she finally got enough clearance to take an objective look at what was going on and how she felt about it. Sounds to me like she had to work up her courage to tell you she was breaking up with you, and that she did a good job sticking with her decision.
Leave the woman alone, take what she said at face value, consider how a person’s actions reflect their character, and how your character doesn’t look so good right now.
It sounds like she just doesn’t enjoy hanging out with you and feels pressured to do things she’s not really into.
No it isn’t. It’s called “people pleasing.” It’s a kind of insecurity. To be perfectly frank, it sounds like you kind of pressure her into stuff she’s not really into (that’s especially not healthy when it comes to sex) and then you pressure her into saying she IS into it and then you try to tell her that’s what “love” is.
Bottom line, dude. She’s not happy with you. Accept it. Move on. Trying to convince sombody they’re in love with you and just don’t realize it is a desperation move.
You asked her to do something that she was uncomfortable doing. No matter whether you want to call it stealing or not, she wasn’t comfortable doing it and felt that she had to do it to keep you as a boyfriend. That is manipulative and IN(everso)HO, wrong. She was right in dumping you.
I don’t know why you posted this, unless you are looking for sympathy and “oh, yeh, she’s the nutcase, you’re better off without her.” I doubt you will get that – the situation is just too…too.
You know, stealing a computer file is worse than just some random object off their desk, in many states. Asking someone to commit a crime, regardless of whether or not you think the crime will ever be noticed or prosecuted is really creepy.
I was all set to jump in with a “I’ve ‘stolen’ stuff for friends of mine before, in the context of an item that had been loaned to a person who ended the friendship and never returned it.” but I’m having a hard time thinking of anything non-nefarious about a computer file. More explanation is needed to make that one smell like roses.
Meanwhile, I’m not sure what to tell you. Is it possible you’re unconsciously or otherwise naively being as controlling as she says you are? I’ve been under the gun of those accusations from an ex before, and sometimes it’s just differences in style and sometimes it’s unintentional–and sometimes, you’re being an ass and she’s calling you on it.
The thing is, I HAVEN’T been trying to manipulate her, at least conciously. The couple of times that she changed her mind and said ‘ok I’m ready to do this with/for you?’ I immediately asked what changed her mind, and her answer was often ‘I feel more comfortable with you now than I did before’ and she’d often have to reassure ME that she was cool with the idea. that’s the biggest shock for me, because either she was lying to my face (less likely) or there was a part of her that she only recently discovered, that made her realize that maybe she wasn’t as okay with this stuff as she thought she was. She did assure me that she isn’t mad at ME for anything I said or did. After reading some of the responses, I’m starting to get a better sense of what is going on with her.
And I do reiterate that I DO care about her and her feelings, and always have, which is why it is no longer my style to beg her to come back to me or do anything else that she NOW realizes she feels uncomfortable doing.
and that was the worst place to split my OP…for the record, I wasn’t continously telling her that being in love was about manipulating each other, nor do I agree that it is. my point was that the feeling that was overtaking her and making her act differently was, or was at least influenced by, love.
It doesn’t matter whether you talked her into stealing a candy bar, grabbing a file from a friend’s computer, or sneaking onto someone else’s property to swim in their pool. You asked her to do something that was unethical and she doesn’t like it that you were able to do that. Good for her - you shouldn’t be asking anyone to do something unethical, much less someone you love. My question is - did she do it as soon as you asked her to or did you have to talk her into it? And if you had to talk her into it, how did you do so?
If she did it as soon as you asked her to, then she is still learning how to recognize her boundaries and enforce them.
If you had to talk her into it, then you don’t deserve to have an SO until you learn how to accept other people’s decisions, especially when you are asking them to do something that mighthurt someone else, or do some sort of damage, or otherwise be unethical. And you have to accept their sense of ethics - my ex would always ask me to lie for him, and I wouldn’t do it because it was against MY ethics, even though it wasn’t against his ethics.
And if you had to talk her into it, she is right - you are being controlling.
And you might just consider that why you were so happy in this relationship wasn’t because it was love, but because you had found someone who you were able to control.