Mods, I know I am not allowed to share my account, but I have a guest who claims to have been waiting about 2000 years for the rise of the SDMB. He would like to entertain questions from the best minds in the world, but wants to field a few from the SDMB. So, without further adieu, I present, Jesus H Christ…
Welcome, my brothers and sisters. I would like a membership, but being unavailable for lo these many years has made it hard to get a credit card or e-mail account. I trust you will allow me to use the good Staff Sergeant’s account for replies. Of course you will, I know everything.
I come back after 2000 years and this is the first question I get, Christ, I mean Me, can’t you do any better? The H is for Horatio. Long story short, had to have a middle name to get into grade school, Uncle Paul laughed and said Horatio.
There are no backsies, but electricity is allowed up to third grade (US) fourth grade (UK).
Puncturing the skin is never allowed. So I have commanded, but if someone should, turn the other forearm.
Those damn longhairs and their damn music, no wonder everybody expects me to come back pissed. No, I hate the damn song, but only because in heaven it is played every time I make an appearance. I had short black hair, but thanks to new hair coloring techniques, I have spike blonde hair. If my agent is correct, I will make my Earthly appearance with a high and tight like the Marines do.
Hey, listen, if the Messiah is gonna post on MPSIMS, he’s gonna get what he asks for. Post to CS or GD and you might get a different set of questions
Sample GD response: Do you ever hang with Buddha, Zoroaster, Vishnu, Mohammed, etc., or what? Mo claims to have taken you in a throwdown, what’s your take on that? And, who’s the best poker player of you lot? (I’m going with Vishnu, the odds are with him in getting the best hands.)
Sample CS response: What did you really mean when you told your Disciples to “eat, for this is my body; drink, for this is my blood”? I mean, raw? Not even any olive oil or tahini?
Sample Pit response: I called on you during Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS, and not only did you reject my prayers, you played me most cruelly by having Endy Chavez make a miracle, over-the-wall home-run-stealing catch before having the Mets leave the bases loaded with two outs at the bottom of the ninth inning and their cleanup batter at the plate. You SUCK! I guess you can’t rot in Hell, technically, but I hope you pay a visit and get locked in a broom closet for a while or something!
It was actually between the ages of 12 and 30. I appeared to John Prine and told him what I did. He made a song about it. These lyrics are close enough. Also, forget what Chris Rock said in Dogma, he had scriptwriters.
Jesus, can you help me out here with these Chick Tracts? They’re all about what you have to say, so they say, but they seem so mean spirited, and, well cartoonish.
You, my faithful disciple, need to make sure you have a air-conditioner. A super good kind if you know what I mean.
Mohammed will thank you for not using his nick-name. We have fought and he has been able to kick my ass on land, but when we fight in the seas, you should see what happens. I won’t reveal for fear all the mysteries of heaven are revealed, but you can get them all on PPV.afterlife when you die.
As to Poker, Moses is a prophet, he knows what hands to bet. He always comes out even or a little ahead. I ask my Dad, just once to let me see an inside straight, and He will never let me fill it.
Finally, you bet on the Mets? There are miracles and there are miracles. I did one for the Mets, but really wouldn’t you rather water into wine? Wouldn’t that be more believable than the Mets winning the second pennant?
That Chick guy is so friggin’ funny. I have already arraigned a trade with Satan for Jack Chick and Pat Robertson to get Bill Clinton and Barry Bonds. What should you do with them is your question… Get naked and burn them in your front lawn. If anyone asks what your are doing, tell them that I told you to do this. (Send me pix)
Okey Dokey, Jesus, I hear ya. I’m sure you know, but, to bring it up, I live in the only Quaker area in the South, Alamance county in NC. Nekkid burning in January, ummm, can you give me another heartening sacred voce I can give to my good Quaker neighbors here, in carrying out your Word?
You live in NC, I am posting from NC. Let me know when the naked burning will commence and I will be there in spirit. Or, invite the Quakers to the internet and I will show them that there must be burning in Alamance Co. NC. IOW, burn, baby, burn.
What, do you think I work parties? He can have superpowers as soon as I get a credit card. As for winning at the track, Jehovah knew you said or thought, goddamn, I won, so the money came to him. (Via Pat Robertson–hope you feel better.)
Fred Phelps, will be outed as a homosexual. I hate to disparage the homosexuals that are members here, but I must tell the truth. Don’t tap your feet in any restroom he may be in. If you do, bring a video camera.
As to the good Teacher, Schneerson, he is right. The United States is not ready for me. That is why I will appear on Oprah or Letterman as a guest before the writers strike is over. The US will know when it is ready.
