A friend, whom we know to be less than totally stable, is getting worse. We (VeryCoolSpouse and I) have been friends with them (PotentialStalker & spouse) for more than 10 years. We love PotentialStalker dearly but are becoming concerned about her fixation on VeryCoolSpouse. This is not a sexual thing, but rather a “but I thought you were MY best friend” thing.
I don’t want to cross the “don’t ask for medical advice” line, but is there any action that one can take to assist a friend who is getting mentally worse? How can we evaluate the potential danger to our family and theirs? They have 2 kids at home, we have 4, and the kids love to play together. Moving with no forwarding address is not really an option.
I’ll be happy to supply additional behavioral detail if this thread doesn’t get closed right away.
There’s not much you can do until someone clearly threatens to hurt someone else or their self, and even then they pretty much have to actually do something to have to face any consequences.
Have you tried talking to her husband?
ETA: Of course, you could always get a restraining order. They do work- if she contacts you after that she will be arrested. But I sort of figured you’re looking for more kinder, gentler ways of dealing with her for now.
First and foremost, you have to NEVER take no for an answer. Besides, they don’t really mean no anyway. It’s like saying, “I want to say yes, but I don’t want to look like a skank.” So you gotta just pretty much ignore it when they tell you to go away.
Oh, and restraining orders are just another way to say I love you.
This must be my millionth Gift of Fear (by Gavin DeBecker) recommendation, but there’s a whole section on stalkers and evaluating danger.
As Euthanasiast mentioned, for a real stalker a restraining order means next to nothing. It’s often found on the victim of ‘romantic’ stalker (e.g. ex-boyfriend). Hopefully the potential stalker in question is just very clingy. More details, svp.
I was just going to mention that book. DeBecker says there are only certain situations in which restraining orders work; otherwise they serve to escalate the situation. It’s a good read.
Except what it does allow is for you to have that person arrested as soon they come near you, unlike no restraining order where the police can’t do anything until things become dangerous.
According to the book, restraining orders really only work to deter the stalker when it’s a so-called “clueless stalker,” someone who truly lacks the social and emotional awareness to realize they’ve crossed the line. Then, an RO acts as a smack upside the head.
For truly violent stalkers, it can hurt more than it can help.
In your case, you need to have a discussion with her husband, privately. Explain that you treasure your friendship, but it cannot continue without a huge modification of his wife’s behavior.
If he cannot help, then the only thing you can do is tell her once, then ignore her forever. There’s a good scenario in the book of a business owner who was harassed by a guy who wanted to work with him and how it spiraled out of control because the business owner wouldn’t or couldn’t put his foot down with the guy.
Is this person behaving like a “classic” stalker? Like turning up at VeryCoolSpouse’s office, following her, intruding way too much, “bumping into her” at the mall repeatedly, trying to insert herself ito VeryCool’s life (like joining the same gym and trying to gt involved with her frienda and family), leaving dead animals on the porch… that kind of stuff? Or is it still early in the game, wherein her behaviour is unwelcome intrusiveness, and neediness that is uncomfortably beyond “normal”?
As olivesmarch said, it’s hard to provide any suggestions without a bit more detail.
Fianceephone had probelms with what I’d call a “social stalker” several years ago before we met. The guy didn’t start out stalking her in the classic sense but was more or less socially clueless, socially awkward, and oblivious to conventional social boundaries. Eventually he became very clingy, needy, and socially inappropriate to the point where he had crossed the line into “stalker”. He was a friend of Fianceephone’s then-boyfrend, and did not seem to have romantic designs on her, but rather she was “his new best friend”. But she did not agree.
He wasn’t following her, or sending unwated romantic overtures or anything, but there would be things like calling too often and at socially inappropriate hours (too late, or too early for a weekend) and around Christmas time his gifts to his friends (and particularly Fianceephone, “his new best friend”) were inappropriately expensive.
As he overstepped more and more standard social boundaries, he made Fianceephone uncomfortable, and eventually Fianceephone’s then-boyfriend had to help cut him off from contacting her. By then he had become WAY too needy and was starting to make her feel spooked.
Well, to me it’s a red flag that they are doing the “I thought you were MY best friend” scenario with your spouse! Hello?! Earth to PotentialStalker? You are second fiddle to your friend’s spouse, and you always will be. That is how it SHOULD be too.
