Should we go to this wedding?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My girlfriends cousin was set to get married in November of this year. They had set a date, told family and close friends, but hadn’t yet sent out save the dates or invites yet.

2 days ago my girlfriend gets an Evite (yes an Evite) to their wedding that is now moved up to July 19th. After talking with her mom, we find out it is because the fiancee is pregnant so they need to get married asap.

So, we live in NY (as does much of the cousin’s family - parents, siblings, etc) but the wedding is in South Carolina where they live.

So, on about 4 weeks notice we are supposed to make arrangements to take time off of work, find a place to stay, either spend a fortune on the last minute airfare, or drive the round trip of 1700 miles.

We already have a wedding to go to 2 weeks before, and really haven’t at all budgeted for such an expense this July - was originally planning on having time to save, find the best flights/hotels, etc before November.

My feeling is that this is an event that we are perfectly justified in declining the invite (neither of us really wants to go) but my girlfriend feels obligated, as we’ve been to his brother’s and sister’s wedding already, its family, etc.

Are we obligated to go, or is this just weird?

2

Is your girlfriend close to this cousin? If so, you should probably go.

Were you planning on going to the wedding in November? If so, consider going to this one.

But if you’re asking us, you probably don’t want to go anyway, so don’t.

3

If it’s important to your girlfriend, even if you have to jump through some hoops, try and go. It’s more than you have to do since they changed plans more or less at the last minute. No one will (or should) think less of you if don’t, but it would be nice and who knows - you may feel glad you went.

4

Since it’s your girlfriends family here’s the deal;

you’ll go if your told to go and you’ll smile and be charming.

You do not want to be the guy they pin the lack of attendance on.

5

[QUOTE=Fat Chance]
Are we obligated to go . . . ?
[/QUOTE]

Of course not. Send your regrets with a clear conscience, along with a gift and a gracious note of congratulations.

6

That’s a major trip, time and money commitment on very short notice. Unless this is mission critical must attend I feel you are perfectly entitled to decline.

And not to get too pointed about it, but a part of this has to do with your sense of obligation, not your GF’s, and that’s going to based on the nature of your relationship. If I were your GF the decent thing to do would be to give you an out, even if she felt she had to attend. Has this been offered to you?

7

If you can’t go, you can’t go. It doesn’t mean you don’t wish them well. Send them a gift and congratulations.

I assume with the brother’s and sister’s wedding you were given ample notice to plan and arrange things? If they live in SC, I would continue to save and make your trip down in November to see them.

8

Of course you’re not obligated. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go, however.

They didn’t move the wedding date on a whim. They did it because of exigent circumstances.* I’m sure that they are quite disappointed at the loss of the wedding that they wanted. And they may be having some negative feelings about the unplanned pregnancy as well.

I’d say you should go if you can swing it. Part of the role of family is to provide support and love for one another. By attending, you’re saying “Hey, I’m here for you.”

But if you really can’t do it, or genuinely don’t want to go, then don’t, and don’t feel guilty about it. If these people are at all reasonable, they will certainly understand that moving the date up like that means that some people will be unable to attend.

  • Whether you agree that a pregnancy automatically creates exigent circumstances or not is a topic for another thread. It is a generally accepted idea among many/most people in the U.S. and is the motivating factor in this case.
9

[QUOTE=Green Bean]
Of course you’re not obligated. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go, however.

They didn’t move the wedding date on a whim. They did it because of exigent circumstances.* I’m sure that they are quite disappointed at the loss of the wedding that they wanted. And they may be having some negative feelings about the unplanned pregnancy as well.

I’d say you should go if you can swing it. Part of the role of family is to provide support and love for one another. By attending, you’re saying “Hey, I’m here for you.”

But if you really can’t do it, or genuinely don’t want to go, then don’t, and don’t feel guilty about it. If these people are at all reasonable, they will certainly understand that moving the date up like that means that some people will be unable to attend.

  • Whether you agree that a pregnancy automatically creates exigent circumstances or not is a topic for another thread. It is a generally accepted idea among many/most people in the U.S. and is the motivating factor in this case.
    [/QUOTE]

Late edit: The above was exactly what I was trying to say, but said a lot more coherently.

10

Agreed, it would be nice of you to go and not make a big fuss about how they’ve inconvenienced you by moving the date up. But if you can’t make the arrangements, you can’t and sending a gift is the appropriate thing to do.

11

Just wanted to point out the apt username/OP combo.

12

Excellent advice up-thread. I would say that if you’d have attended in November, you should make at least some effort to attend this summer but if it truly isn’t feasible with such short notice, then send a nice gift and an apologetic note with your regrets.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to see your username and think “aha! THERE’S YOUR ANSWER RIGHT THERE!”

13

[QUOTE=astro]
And not to get too pointed about it, but a part of this has to do with your sense of obligation, not your GF’s, and that’s going to based on the nature of your relationship. If I were your GF the decent thing to do would be to give you an out, even if she felt she had to attend. Has this been offered to you?
[/QUOTE]
Yes, I was wondering this as well, it seems like it would make the most sense if she went by herself. She’ll know enough people there to have company, it will save a bunch of money in travel costs, and it doesn’t sound like you’d really mind being left behind. Of course that’s between you and her if she’s okay with that, but from the POV of the wedding couple it would seem preferable to neither of you making it.

14

I think you should do a little investigating before you say you can’t make it, and if you find out the airfare would break the bank, or it’s going to be a six-day drive there and back and neither of you can get time off work, then you decline with a clear conscience. Reasonable people who spring an out-of-town wedding on people with a month’s notice don’t expect everyone to be able to make it.

15

[QUOTE=sugar and spice]
Yes, I was wondering this as well, it seems like it would make the most sense if she went by herself. She’ll know enough people there to have company, it will save a bunch of money in travel costs, and it doesn’t sound like you’d really mind being left behind. Of course that’s between you and her if she’s okay with that, but from the POV of the wedding couple it would seem preferable to neither of you making it.
[/QUOTE]

I agree with sugar and spice.

[QUOTE=featherlou]
six-day drive there and back and neither of you can get time off work
[/QUOTE]
I’d rather take a beatin’ than do a six-day drive. Of course, I’m getting old … I’m so old, I was around when the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

16

Thanks for the input - to respond to a few questions:

[QUOTE=Justin_Bailey]
Is your girlfriend close to this cousin? If so, you should probably go.

Were you planning on going to the wedding in November? If so, consider going to this one.

But if you’re asking us, you probably don’t want to go anyway, so don’t.
[/QUOTE]

She isn’t all that close to this cousin, but is very close to his brother. We were planning on going in November.

The thing is, neither of us really wants to go - even my GF’s first reaction when hearing was, “Screw that - we’re not going”. But now other family members have started asking her about travel plans, etc. and she is starting to feel bad.

[QUOTE=Mongo Ponton]
Since it’s your girlfriends family here’s the deal;

you’ll go if your told to go and you’ll smile and be charming.

You do not want to be the guy they pin the lack of attendance on.
[/QUOTE]

Oh, I know! I pretty much told her that it is up to her. If she really feels like going, we’ll make it work.

[QUOTE=astro]

And not to get too pointed about it, but a part of this has to do with your sense of obligation, not your GF’s, and that’s going to based on the nature of your relationship. If I were your GF the decent thing to do would be to give you an out, even if she felt she had to attend. Has this been offered to you?
[/QUOTE]

She has indeed told me not to feel like I need to go, but on the other hand I don’t really feel it is an option. Though we are unmarried, her family considers me her husband basically (been together 8 years, own a home together, etc) so my not showing up would be insulting, without a really good personal reason why.
At this point I am remaining quiet and letting her decide what she wants to do. I told her I would do whatever, provided I can get off work, and also to let her know that due to the expense we would have to change some other summer travel plans and work we were doing on the house.

17

And the latest - her other cousin (the one she is close with) emailed her last night and told her that he has arranged to rent a large house near the water for the family (his parents, wife, sister/husband, my GF, me GF’s mother, other aunts/uncles, etc), and giving us estimates on our share of the cost. They are planning on going down a few days early and staying a few days after to enjoy the beach etc.

This kind of annoys me, as even if we do go, it would only be for a night or 2 max. Who makes arrangements assuming we can take several days off of work and spend the money for a 5 day vacation on 4 weeks notice?

Somehow, this isn’t going to end well…

18

Aha. A description of your relationship which makes you sound a whole lot more connected at the hip than the word “girlfriend” did. Not that “couldn’t get the time off work” wouldn’t sound like a really good personal reason why to most folk under the circumstances.

With respect to the rental house issue, I think you are jumping to the conclusion that there will be drama prematurely. This is your chance to politely e-mail back stating that if you attend, it will probably be for only 1 or 2 nights, and your budget will be limited. Thanks for thinking of us, but . . .

19

[QUOTE=Fat Chance]
And the latest - her other cousin (the one she is close with) emailed her last night and told her that he has arranged to rent a large house near the water for the family (his parents, wife, sister/husband, my GF, me GF’s mother, other aunts/uncles, etc), and giving us estimates on our share of the cost. They are planning on going down a few days early and staying a few days after to enjoy the beach etc.

This kind of annoys me, as even if we do go, it would only be for a night or 2 max. Who makes arrangements assuming we can take several days off of work and spend the money for a 5 day vacation on 4 weeks notice?

Somehow, this isn’t going to end well…
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that’s REALLY presumptuous of them. Good luck working this one out. I’m afraid my response would be a politely worded refusal to fork over “my share” of their vacation…

20

[QUOTE=Eureka]
Aha. A description of your relationship which makes you sound a whole lot more connected at the hip than the word “girlfriend” did.
[/QUOTE]

I know - I once started a thread suggesting we need to create a new word for a significant other that is very serious (living together, etc) but not married to, without using the word ‘partner’. This is one of the reasons why!

[QUOTE=Eureka]

With respect to the rental house issue, I think you are jumping to the conclusion that there will be drama prematurely. This is your chance to politely e-mail back stating that if you attend, it will probably be for only 1 or 2 nights, and your budget will be limited. Thanks for thinking of us, but . . .
[/QUOTE]

I am jumping to conclusion of drama only based on previous experience with the family…