How strong is the obligation to attend a close family member's wedding?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My wife’s brother is getting married. We live in Indiana and he in Florida. We’re a family of six. Flying is out of the question. Driving our own vehicle is also out of the question due to reliability issues. Driving a rented vehicle isn’t exactly completely out of the question, but the cost is prohibitive once you add up all the gas, rental, hotels, food, etc. And the prospect of a 16 to 24 hour drive* each way with all the kids in tow etc makes it an unpleasant prospect. Having the kids out of school for two to four days (even if the wedding is on Sunday, probably we’d need to leave Friday and wouldn’t get back til, at the earliest, Tuesday if we’re lucky!) is questionable. Lots of stuff, in other words, conspires against it being a good idea for the whole family to go. (This is not to even mention the fact that I don’t even know for a certainty that it will be that easy for me to get the days off–I’ll be in a new job at that time and so I don’t know what the culture is like for this kind of thing. There are shifts involved, and I think I’ll be responsible for making sure my shifts are covered, and so what if it turns out I can’t get those days?)

So my wife told her mom (who’s the one communicating with us about all this–not the brother himself) that she (my wife) would come by herself, flying in.

Her mom offered to pay for the rental and gas for a minivan, which is super generous of her. But my wife ultimately decided it’s just not workable in a practical sense, and she doesn’t feel there’s any special obligation for all of us to go. She wants to go herself, and she’ll be going, but the rest of us are going to stay here in Indy.

Well, her mom’s super upset.

Which leads me to the question. Do you think there’s a general norm that we’re violating here? Not that I’m expecting anyone to think her mom is completely out of bounds in being sad about this. But there’s being sad someone isn’t coming and there’s thinking a fundamental norm has been betrayed, which is more in the direction of what we’re seeing from her mom right now.

Probably different families are different. It may be to the point to note that my mother-in-law still, to this day, dresses up in her finest business suit when she flies in an airplane. Very strong (and inflexible) ideas about what’s proper. But could she be right in this case?

We’re probably not going to go either way, but I’m curious to know exactly what kind of assholes we’re being, if any kind.

*Google says sixteen, but as I said, we’re a family of six…

2

Her mom’s super wrong.

If your wife wanted you all to go, that’s one thing. But if your wife is okay with going alone, then her mom really doesn’t have anything further to say. Mighty cool of her to offer to help with expenses, but if it isn’t practical, then, darn shame.

I can certainly understand your wife’s mom being sad about it. But upset? This is reality. A thousand miles is a hell of an obstacle.

Send a nice gift, write some nice letters, watch the wedding video with your whole family when your wife gets back, participate as much as you can remotely. Demanding more is getting too assertive.

I’m sure there cannot possibly be any meaningful societal norm here. Every case is different. Every family is different. Everyone’s finances are different. What if it were happening in France? For a lot of us, 1,000 miles is not much different than 5,000 or 10,000.

So long as your wife is happy, you aren’t being assholes at all. If you and your wife disagreed vigorously over it, then there might be serious problems to work out.

3

Like you said, every family is different. The only weddings I was ever dragged to as a kid were local ones. My parent’s family members all live in Indiana while we lived in GA. So we kids missed a lot of weddings and funerals. Maybe there were hurt feelings over this and I just didn’t know about them. But it didn’t seem like anyone cared all that much.

I could see why your mother-in-law may be concerned over the principle of the thing, though. In her mind, she’s probably wondering if you’d have the same excuse if it were the brother’s funeral instead of his wedding. I’m not saying this concern makes sense, but I could see a mother-in-law with certain high-minded notions thinking such a thing.

4

You hit on exactly the solution I was thinking - let your wife go.
I can’t imaging anyone being unacceptable of the reason that you have work and the kids have school.

5

It would be nice for the whole family to show up, but I understand you have a lot of restrictions in your way, and you’re certainly not obligated to go by any means.

Don’t feel bad about it.

6

I think there’s some obligation to make try and go. But it sounds like you’ve fulfilled that obligation by making an honest effort to figure out a way to send everyone, and discovered it won’t work. Most people are usually pretty understanding that families with a lot of young children just aren’t going to be able to travel much.

You might try sending a token kid with your wife. That way there’d be some sort of representation of the younger generation at the wedding, without having to incur the expense/time of sending everyone.

7

pet carriers on top of the car for the kids would eliminate the potty stops. just hose down the kids and carriers on arrival.

considering the distance, number of kids, costs and trouble of traveling, well all you stated; the wife going alone is very reasonable.

8

I agree with everyone else. If the wedding were in Louisville, or even Chicago, I’d say take MIL up on her offer, especially if the ceremony is early in the day, and you can be back before Monday morning. You can go to work tired, and let the kids sleep in if they need to and miss a couple of hours of school for family harmony (Chicago). Louisville, you can easily be home by a decent hour just be leaving the reception a little early. But Florida? no. I’ve driven from Indy to New York plenty of times, and it’s grueling. You won’t make very good guests, because the drive will be so tiresome.

Sending a token kid might be good. The oldest, who will appreciate what’s going on, or the youngest, whose school won’t suffer as much, or the one who happens to really want to go.

9

As I was reading the post, the first thing I thought was that your wife should go alone, and it seems your wife is fine with that.

My husband had a job where he just couldn’t get off. The family knew that he wouldn’t be at any weddings frm August to November. He didn’t care if they scheduled them, he just wouldn’t be there.

I think your MIL should be thankful your wife is coming.

10

Your decision is perfectly fine. You made an honest effort to explore the possibility, and it’s simply not feasible. And for what it’s worth, it’s unfeasibility (I just made up that word) is pretty average, I would say a lot of families would come to this conclusion so you’re not acting like some impoverished outlier here (which, if you were, would also be fine, I’m just adding that many people would be in this same boat).

If it is the kind of wedding where kids are welcome, then sure, send one kid if that works for you. Honestly, if you’re not already wrestling with an academic performance issue, it’s not that much school to miss. But if it’s not a kid-friendly wedding to begin with, then I wouldn’t bother going down this path.

I think your MIL is disappointed (fair) but expressing it in a rude way (not fair to you). If you can be charitable, try to view it as coming from a place of disappointment. For a lady of your MIL’s position, an adult child’s wedding is sometimes an opportunity for a family experience, with all her children and grandchildren. Again, in the real world this isn’t feasible for this particular wedding, and your MIL needs to get her mind around that.

11

Any obligation you and you wife may have is to the groom/her brother, not to the MIL. So what does he think about your current plans? Remember you’ll have to communicate directly with him to learn his opinion; asking MIL what the groom thinks doesn’t count.

The MIL is entitled to her opinion. She’s not entitled to be a jerk about it, or about anything else.

It seems to me her opinion is par for the course for an old-fashioned elderly person. It’s almost certainly not the same as the groom’s opinion.

I’d also suggest it matters a bit whether the groom is 17 or 27 or 37 and whether this is his first, 2nd, or 4th marriage. And it may matter how much he participated in the OP’s wife’s wedding to the OP.

12

Your wife should go if you can swing it.

You can also turn it around and if the wedding was scheduled around a school break or some other time it might be more practical for you all.

it is a reasonable request that you all attend, and it is just as reasonable to say the entire family can’t make it for specific reasons.

13

There is absolutely no requirement to attend any wedding other than ones you are IN.

Your MIL is out of line - hell, I have boycotted both a sister’s and a niece’s weddings.

The first has already been a disaster; the second is still young (I have great expectations for the new one).

14

Is your mother in law upset because you’ve violated social custom with regard to weddings, or is it because she’s disappointed on missing out on time with her grandchildren?

15

Indiana to fucking Florida? Your BIL is uberlucky that his sis is even planning on going, unless you’re a Rothschild or something like that.

No obligation.

16

Agree with everyone else. It’s what the brother thinks, not the MIL, and I think when people plan weddings they know not everyone can come, even if the invitee would love to and inviter really wants them there.

My wedding is in the UK in March, and we invited lots of family from Ecuador. Unsurprisingly, given the cost of flights, accommodation, having to get a visa, time off work, plus the difficulty for some older relatives to travel, many aren’t coming. I’m still glad we invited them, and my mum hasn’t expressed any opinion on it.

17

Invite the couple to stay with you for a few days when the whole thing is done and dusted. Send a child along with the wife.

Maybe you can attend the wedding with your wife, if you can get childcare sorted, is there an older sibling who is responsible enough, or a neighbour.

Do look at your options. Weddings and funerals, minor actions here can be remembered for long so do make an effort to do something.

18

Hell, even if you’re asked to be in a wedding there has to be a reasonable understanding that it just may not be possible.
If my best friend in the world or one of my siblings said “I’m getting married in Hawaii in three months and I want you to be in the wedding!” I’d have to apologize and say it’s just not possible.

19

As I started reading, I thought the wife should go alone. Great minds…

20

Without even reading the rest, if I was getting married and had a relative who lived that far, he’d be excused from attending. If I wanted him to come so badly, I’d set the wedding date at a time when he and his family would already be expected to come for other reasons (Christmas visit, stuff like that).

Heck, if I got married that far from my family, I’ve got a brother who I’d try to ban from coming, because otherwise I know he’d drive all the way* and that makes me stabby. Stabby isn’t how a bride is supposed to be feeling.

  • Both him and the wife have a few control subscriptions. I’m not sure which one’s got more, they feed off each other…