It’s been a good while since the first Sexual Virtuoso thread. With all the new members since then, I thought it’d be a good idea to again offer the benefit of my vast knowledge on this topic. I’ll be tossing out random bits of advice, but please feel free to ask any questions you may have. Let’s begin.
It’s funny to twirl your penis and walk like Charlie Chaplin once. Once.
If you must give your genitals a nickname, go with the cryptic rather than the obviously self-aggrandizing. I, for example, call mine Fin Fang Foom.
Semen may well be a protein-rich dietary supplement as well as a tremendously effective face cream and/or hair conditioner, but you wouldn’t dump a bottle of Wella Balsam in her hair without asking first, now would you?
Ladies: Balls are like the former Soviet Union. All you have to do is violate their airspace without warning to provoke a bad reaction.
Most women will not consider “you have skin like a young pig” to be a compliment; even though well meant it is unlikely to lead to coitus.
It can be. One must pay close attention to body language at moments like this. Noting subtle cues like a proferred container of coconut oil are key to not making a faux pas.
While enjoying the oral ministrations of your lover, please do not grab that person by the ears and make “vroom-vroom!” noises. Especially do not do this while twisting one ear.
“Do you like cauliflower?” is not the ideal way to broach the subject that you have genital warts.
Breasts do not do that “Newton’s Cradle” thing; so don’t try. It’ll only put her out of the mood.
Music is a wonderful addition to a sexual experience. Ideally, you want to choose music that suits the mood. Sabre Dance, for example, seems almost like it was written as a soundtrack to vigorous fellatio. Other music, notably Duelling Banjos, may have associations that your partner finds off-putting.
That was her fault, not yours. She wasn’t clear enough. What she should have done was clearly state whether she wanted you to kiss stinkhole 1 or stinkhole 2. Then the two of you would have been headed for carnal bliss at warp factor 3.
A girl I was hoping to score with recently asked me if I liked her knockers. So I got dressed and went outside to examine her front door. She locked me out. What happened?
Threesomes involving a family member can be awkward. Better to have kin-only night while the SO is at bowling league.
The only proper reply to “Is it in yet?” is “Was it good for you too?”
Semen is not fingerpaint.
If you insist on hollering “yee-haw!” and firing revolvers into the air at the moment of clouds and rain, please use blank cartridges. Celebratory gunfire, while traditioonal in many cultures, is a safety hazard.
Pulling a tampon out by the string with your teeth then shaking it around like a rabid dog; doesn’t always turn the Ladies on nor will they always find the humor in it like you might.
Most women will prefer the phrasing “I want to spread the petals of your blossom” to “I want to open your meat curtains.”
Especially if your partner is older, descriptions of a “furry love bat spreading its leathery wings” are probably best avoided. The exception would be if she thinks she is a vampire.