Why I've cried 5 times tonight...or I really do hate who I am (Long, TMI, boring...)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Here I am, on the eve of my 24th birthday, a Saturday night, crying my eyes out for the 5th time tonight, if my count is right…I never was good with numbers. I almost never get teary-eyed (except during Titanic), provided I’m an incredibly masculine dude (okay, that’s a straight-up lie, I did say I like Titanic). I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks that has caused me to break down several times, with alarming increasing frequency. I like to pretend I’m not a big birthday person, and well, I guess I’m not, but mostly by virtue of the embarrassingly small group of people I’d be able to get together for such an event.

Let me be clear, I really don’t give much of a damn about my birthday…it just so happens to coincide with a very, very low-point in my life. What spurred this recent depressive run? A girl…my female roommate (one of three, actually–don’t ask how that happened). I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance with her. I mean, how could I given I apparently haven’t stood a chance with anyone else, ever (aside from my date with Lost every Wednesday…) That’s right, I’ve never really been on what you could call a “date” (aside from a one-time online dating site thing, which didn’t go well). I had never kissed a girl before (more on that soon) and I’m still a virgin (my hand, however, certainly is not). And hell, she pretty much told me as much a few months ago when we were both stoned, on the couch and she directly addressed the issue to me, making it painfully clear she likes me “as a friend” (she apparently was tipped off by another female roommate who sensed I had a crush on her, and I guess she wanted to head it off at the pass). Oh, if only I had taken that to heart, maybe I wouldn’t be the emotional basket-case I am now.

Well, since then we’ve continued to hang out, going out to play pool, seeing movies, and even getting hammered at home. There were moments when we would get close and snuggly while watching TV, but that’s it…until last Tuesday (two Tuesdays ago, that is). Even though it was a work night for me, I was having such a great time talking and drinking with her that we ended up staying up until almost sunrise the next day. By around 4am, after a lot (and I mean A LOT) of talking and drinking, we started making out, heavily (which, for those keeping track at home, is my first time ever–weeeee!). I honestly don’t know if she was making out with me out of pity, a beer-fueled attraction, or because she just wanted me to know what it felt like, but dammit, she was putting her tongue in my mouth and I just didn’t care! I, of course, had no idea what I was doing, made clear by the occasional bumping of teeth and my complete lack of technique. Afterward, I wound up sleeping with her in her bed, spoon position (though nothing further happened–remember, I’m still a virgin!).

This, my friends, has fucked my head up immensely. I’m pretty sure that what happened that night was mostly alcohol induced (as she had quite the hangover the next day), but my heart just can’t accept it. Every time I see her, it reminds me of the social failure I am. I don’t meet girls. Scratch that, I can’t meet girls. And the few I have met (see previous threads) have gone absolutely-fucking-nowhere. I just feel so god damn awkard in almost every situation I’m in. I don’t interact with people well, outside of a very small group of friends, and even then I still feel awkward at times. So to have a girl like this actually express interest in me, physically even…well, it made me feel more alive than I have in years.

And since then, nothing else has happened. We haven’t really discussed what transpired that night since, despite hanging out about as much as we did before. And this is killing me! Like I said, at this point, I am convinced nothing further will come of this, and it breaks my heart that, once again, I CAN NOT GET A GIRLFRIEND. I am an utter failure at the social game called Life. I am running blind, awkwardly stumbling my way through every god damn social encounter and each subsequent day is making me hate this ‘game’ more and more.

By most other standards, I’d say I’ve been relatively successful. I have a decent job making 61k a year, and yet, I’m bored to death of what I do. But I’m afraid to leave it, given the shitty economy (truth be told, I would love to run my own business). But even making decent money hasn’t made me happy…or even happier. My life is going nowhere fast, on all fronts, and it’s pissing me off.

I feel like I’m missing out on so much life has to offer, especially during these youngish years when I feel like I should be experiencing it most. And the fact that I’m going to be 24 tomorrow, honestly, scares the shit out of me.

I know I’m going to regret posting this tomorrow morning, and can already feel a tingling sense of the ensuing embarrassment I’ll suffer when I revisit this thread later. I really try not to treat the dope as my own personal blog, and do try to keep these very intimate postings to a minimum, but I really have no where else where I can express myself. I’ve tried cognitive therapy, twice, with few positive results. I feel like I’m beyond help and am doomed to living a sheltered life like this forever. I honestly have no idea what to I hope to gain by sharing this, aside from perhaps learning there’s hope for me yet.

Oh, and next week is Valentine’s Day—how f’ing great is that? sigh

2

I truly believe there is someone for everyone. I thnk people tend to look in the wrong places though. Ask her about that night. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. If the answer is positive, great. If not, move on. Dwelling only makes it worse. I’d go so far as to recommend you move out as soon as you can just to put some finality to the situation.

Try to find someone who is like you. If you’re religious, join a church young adult group. If you’re a reader, join a book club, get with a group that have similar interests. My experience is that bars aren’t condusive to long term relationships (assuming that’s what you’re after).

24 is no where near the end of your dating life. It takes some people longer than others to find that person. Just be patient and be yourself. Trust me, someone will love you. Your world is not over. Its just beginning.

3

Well, don’t go out and do anything stupid, like buying a hooker or having a one night stand or something. In all likelihood, that would only make you feel worse.

Valete,
Vox Imperatoris

4

Dude. That’s a tough story and a rough place to be. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The odds of the girl who happens to live in your place being “the one” are pretty small, doncha think? If you were honest with yourself, was it not as much opportunity as compatibility that created the crush, the makeout session, the regret and the embarrassment?

If anything, its a wake up call for you. Maybe it’s time to get out of your house, out of your head and go meet new people. Somewhere out there may be the adorably awkward dorky geeky girl who will click with you.

Sucks though, doesn’t it.

Esse quam videri,

Attack from the 3rd dimension

5

Dude! Lighten up. The twenties are really hard because all this shit is for the first time. By the time you are in your mid-40s you are so used to this crap and are so pathetic that you laugh out loud at yourself and everyone thinks you are a sad laughing insane creepy old man. I’ve got nothing. I’m going to sign out, go upstairs and masturbate.

6

Red, good, coherent OP. Don’t feel embarrassed by this in the morning. Shit, read my thread titles if you feel like your post is embarrassing.

What I would suggest, try to make friends. Not only with women, but get out and meet guys. Meet chicks. Talk to people that you work with. Go to lunch with friends. Find a guy that can talk to girls and have him help you out. Trust me, guys don’t mind doing this. I had a married guy help me learn to talk to women when I was in college. I copied his lines, fucked them up badly most of the time, but still managed to get laid occasionally.

That brings me to my next point. Sex ain’t the big deal that you would believe that it is. As far as wasting your prime years, buddy, you don’t know. I have been married to a woman I love for the last 10 years. Trouble is that she does not feel the need for actual sexual intercourse. I used to think of all the missed experiences. Now I realize that I have a woman that I love here with me. So if you go out and have a one night stand, sleep with a friend of a friend, or even have sex with a prostitute, that will be one thing you can cross off your bucket list, but it won’t change you.

I would suggest you figure out what you want and where you want to be. If you want a lot of sex, don’t find a long term girlfriend. If you want a long term girlfriend, don’t expect there to be a lot of sex.

Finally, sex with your hand does count, so you have some experience.

SSG Schwartz

7

You should really get out and get your own place. You’re making enough money to get your own crib. Get out on your own so you’re not mooning over a roommate who (if she even remembers anything) evidently doesn’t want things to go any further.

You might want to lay off the alcohol too. That never helps anything, and never makes anybody more attractive.

Other than that, it’s hard to know how to help you without knowing what’s making you so dismally unsuccessful with the chicks. There’s no kind way to ask this, so I’ll just ask – do you have a weight problem? Is it something like that? Even if you’re not Brad Pitt, are you close to mean in terms of physical attractiveness? Let me tell you, if you’re at least average looking, and you have a good job, you’re already meeting the bare minimum you need to get women to give you a second look.

If you don’t feel your problems are based on physical attractiveness, do you have any insights into what might be holding you back? Is it just a complete lack of game? What is it?

8

You’re being too hard on yourself. I say this as a complete hypocrite who spends most of her time beating herself up for things she said years ago to people who aren’t even in her life anymore.

But you are. You don’t have a girlfriend—so what? A girlfriend is not going to make your life magically fantastic. Sex is not going to solve your problems or make you hate yourself any less. You could wake up tomorrow and have all of these things, and you’ll still feel like a failure because you’re stuck in this pattern of self-hatred.

Regarding your job, most people hate their jobs. If work were fun, they’d call it something else. Find things that make you happy. Do things that make you happy. Meet people who want the things you want. And move out of the Crazy Bitches House, preferably into a place by yourself, because anyone who would give you a speech about being friends and then make out with you is a gigantic bitch.

9

I have no hope to offer, but at least I can assure you that you’re not alone. Maybe that helps. I don’t know. (I turn 28 this year. How f**king depressing is that?)

You’re still young though. There is no denying that you’ve already missed out on some things, but your future has not been decided yet. There is plenty of time for you to make changes and find what you’re looking for, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. And fear is a powerful motivator.

Just come back and tell the rest of us how you did it…

10

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so down. I hate to think of you feeling so bad on your birthday!

As hard as it is to think about, you really need to put some space between you and this girl. As good as it felt to make out with her, think about how bad it felt afterward. She said she just wants to be friends and you think she said that because she was tipped off. Then she makes out with you. Do you really want to be involved with someone so flakey and unconcerned with someone’s feelings? Even if beer was involved, she knew how you feel and she let it happen. Not a nice girl.

I agree with what the SGT said above. Get out there and meet a ton of people. Go out for drinks, go to movies, go bowling, go find some people who share interests with you. You ride motorcycles, right? There has to be some kind of events where people gather. The more you meet people, the more fun you’ll have so when you meet those new girls they’ll see a fun loving guy who is out there LIVING LIFE. That is an attractive thing, honestly.

If you work during the day, check out evening classes at a university or community college near you. Find something that interests you and take a class. You’re bound to find someone in the class who is interesting and who might want to hang out.

I know it’s hard to look at all of these things when you’re feeling like crap, but nothing is hopeless. If you need to talk, PM me.

11

Despite TV’s propaganda to the contrary, there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin.

12

First thing… the prime years of male dating, IMO, are the early to mid 30’s. Stay the course, don’t do anything out of desperation, and you’ll be the golden emperor by that time. In the early 20’s, women hold all the cards and are spoiled for choice, so in that age range it’s hard to find a mature one who really appreciates a good man. In the meantime, get your life shored up so that you’re prepared to reap the rewards in those golden years.

Second… you’ve got a crappy job making 61k. Many people who have just finished college and figured out that they are either unhappy or unemployable in their specialty are 50k in student loan debt, 10k in credit card debt, working minimum wage at Starbucks, and generally have no hope of turning things around. It sounds like you do have a chance of turning things around.

I know there’s no use speaking to your depressive side and saying you’ve still got 5-7 years to improve your lot, that your best years are yet to come. Maybe that means going back to school, maybe that means scoping around for some other way to find meaning and interest in your present lucrative field. I know 5 years probably sounds insane at your age. Human nature is that we want everything now and discount the future. It’s not a flaw, it’s how we’re built. But we are also built with the capacity to make goals and engage in long-term planning. You can do it.

I would suggest you seek some temporary medical help for this slump you are in… then sit down and figure out what your 5-year plan looks like to turn things around for yourself. Follow the plan, and harvest the rewards as you’re turning 30.

13

I had to wait til my early 20’s for any loving. And as I’ve expressed on the board I’ve had some pretty devilish disasters that’ve lead up to the woman I’m with now. Don’t let them fool you about “long term = no boning”, my 2 year SO and I make ourselves raw semi-regularly due to some week long humping fits. I’d recommend moving in with some guys that know how ruffle up their edges and just get comfortable in your own skin. Go climb a mountain and get some sun, lose a few lbs and learn to enjoy your body. The rest (ie the female(s)) will come naturally, and I really do mean it.

When you stop trying you’ll start seeing results. When I met Ms. Right I was framing, living with a bunch of pilots, having a bloody good time with the boys every night over beers and BBQ, and putting my latest catastrophe of a relationship well out of my mind. Then plunk, right in my lap. Know thyself sir!

14

I think you might be looking at this the wrong way. You’ve lived your entire life having not dated or kissed a girl, and you finally made out with someone! Even if this particular girl isn’t into anything serious, she at least thought you were a hottie. If anything that should be more fuel for the fire for you to get out there into the dating scene. If she found you interesting enough to kiss, someone else will too… probably many someone elses. You already know you’re a good friend because she told you so, so what you’re really reporting is you have evidence that you have positive character qualities and you’re kissable. No reason not to take advantage of that!

By the way… $61k a year? I’m almost 26 and I make $36k. I might never make as much as you do. That’s pretty impressive. Another plus you’ve got going for you.

I think you might be a bit depressed. Seeing a doctor might not be a bad idea. It depends on whether these feelings are something of a pattern, or just temporary. But worthy of consideration, because as far as I can tell, your mind is sabotaging you. The things you’re reporting here are positive events that reflect well on you, but you’re using them as a reason to beat yourself down.

I know confidence is not easy, believe me. But you’re going to have to start thinking critically about yourself. There is a ton of evidence here in your favor. Work with that. And good luck.

15

Nothing wrong with it but it still sucks(ETA being a virgin that is, forgot to quote what I was refering to). I’m currently geographically celebate and it sucks too. But it isn’t the end of the world. Schwartz gives the best advice. Be social. Make friends, male and female. The bigger your circle is the better chance you will find someone you click with. Forget this girl. Don’t push it. Be her friend and if she changes her mind she’ll let you know. When I was stationed in FT Hood there was a beautiful girl in my battalion that would seek me out everytime she got drunk and would attack me. I didn’t fight back. But when she was sober she would have nothing to do with me. I’m sure you know this already, lay off the booze. If you’re depressed it will only make it worse.

16

Do not “put some space” between you and the girl. Do not maintain your friendship.

I know that you will, because it’s hard not to be indulgent in your position. That you will, most likely, continue some sort of relationship, means that she will always be your yardstick and will always be your constant source of misery, even if there are brief interludes of happiness. This girl will NOT make you happy in any meaningful way; she will not suddenly ‘wise up’ and realize how lucky she is to have you. You are an ego boost to her–a security blanket which she hasn’t tired yet of using. You need to realize that no matter how you’ve classified and built up this ‘friendship,’ it is not a healthy relationship. It is only destructive for you. I know you’re heavily vested in it and I know you probably rationalize the hell out of it when you think about her. But you need to realize she is nothing but poison.

So you not only need to put some physical distance between the two of you, you need to really terminate the relationship altogether. You can meet a fantastic catch tomorrow, but if the roommate is still in the picture, that’s only going to complicate things for you. Do yourself a favor and get out of your situation.

Then get out, meet people, and try to be comfortable being alone. You need to find some self-confidence and joy of life. Without those things, IMO, most women won’t notice you.

17

First off, you are young. I know, I know. You say you feel old. We all do at that age, because we are facing our real coming of age. The real realization that we are growing up. And the real frustration of having all of the responsibilities of being an adult but not much of the security and experience. You aren’t the only one to have trouble with this point in your life. Plenty of people will tell you this was the hardest period of their life. It certainly was mine.

Trust me, your adventures have just begun. At that age I was a broke video store clerk. Now I’m 28 and I’ve got several years of professional experience, have worked on two continents, speak three new languages, have piles of new friends all over the world and have lived a life I never thought was possible. Life can change in a minute. Remember that Julia Child didn’t start cooking until she was 37.

And take a look at your friends. Are they really in satisfying relationships? Really? Because chances are whatever they have going now isn’t going to last long. You really aren’t behind on anything yet. Sure, they’ve probably gotten off more often than you. But they probably haven’t been really building anything satisfying or lasting. You don’t need to worry about lost time until much, much later. This is exactly the time in your life when you are supposed to be making false starts and lots of mistakes.

As for the girl. I feel you. Heart ache is a part of life. We all feel it. Hell, I feel it right now. It’s been one of the driving forces of humanity. Almost all of our art, our movies, our poetry, our music…is about the very emotion you are feeling right now. You aren’t alone in this. You are part of a grand story that involves all of humanity and all of human history. This is what people do.

But “this too shall pass.” At least, is has for almost everyone who isn’t outright crazy. No matter how much it hurts, that hurt will fade. And then you’ll find a new interest and have something else that ignites that other feeling you in. That sweet feeling of desire and anticipation. And (unfortunately) you’ll probably get the heartache after. Over and over again, all through life. It’s a real roller coaster.

But there is a sweetness to it, isn’t there? Eventually I’ve learned that all I can do is ride that roller coaster and try to enjoy the times when my stomach drops for what they are. Sadness doesn’t always have to be our enemy. In some ways it’s as much our companion as happiness. Take it for what it is, write some sappy poems, try not to get too sucked into it, and watch as your sadness fades in sharpness until it’s just a memory.

As for the awkwardness- own it! You are awkward! That is you! You don’t need to make excuses for it. And there is no reason to avoid it. Awkward is kind of cool, in that “I’m not emotionally invested the same way you are” way. You can make awkward your thing in a good way. I kind of have. So when I’m going to be in an awkward situation, I pump myself up for it. I say “This is going to be one awkward night.” And it usually is. And I just kind of step back and laugh about it. Kind of watch the awkwardness like it’s a movie. Because one of the best things about being awkward is it takes a lot of the pressure off you. You are awkward. It’s not your job to change. Let others deal with your awkwardness. It can be kind of funny to see how they do it.

Anyway, good luck!

18

I’ve posted thislinkbefore, and I will again: a whole forum of guys learning how to be Don Juans. Browse at your own risk. However, as a woman, I must say that some techniques in there would certainly work with me. That is, if I didn’t know they were just techniques.

19

Truer words have never been typed.

20

There are lots of somebodies for everyone. You have to increase the meetings. That is done by joining organizations of active people. In Michigan I met a lot of women by joining a ski club. You could join a Democratic club if you are into politics. (repubs don’t smell good). You just find an interest and let it happen.