It’s the same story we all have. Nothing unusual. Done it plenty before, but damn it still hurts.
What do you guys do?
Sorry to hear your news. Sending supporting thoughts your way.
Sometimes the only way to heal that is to find someone else. Then, you end up wondering what all the fuss was about. In the meantime, value the friends you have.
Bury them underneath the floorboards and move on.
… metaphorically speaking, of course.
Grieve and move on, my friend. Grieve and move on.
I’m moving this from The BBQ Pit to In My Humble Opinion.
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Gfactor**
Pit Moderator
Yep, a broken heart is a form of grieving. You are grieving a relationship you had envisioned, that now will, apparently, never be.
Allow yourself time to process the grief. Learn from it (if there is anything to be learned). Move on.
Best wishes and good vibes going out to you!
Oh no. So sorry to hear that. From what little I know of you, I can tell you that you don’t deserve it, at all.
I’m in the same club as you right now. Second time 18 months, but I’m coping OK. Last year was bad bad though.
My advice from my recent experiences (and it’s only mine, but it’s gleaned from others’ wisdom, and various books, it most of it seems to work).
Your goal right now is to be indifferent to them. Not to love, not to hate, just not to give a shit. When you’re at that stage, then maybe it’s appropriate to be back in contact. Before then, it is only likely to hurt you more.
Immediate actions:
[ul][li]Get rid of anything visible that is anything to do with them*.[/li][li]Get rid of the means to contact them.[/li][li]Get them off your Facebook friends list.[/li][li]If possible, don’t contact them ever again.[/li][/ul]Last year I sucked at all the above, and every time I did any of the above, it ended up hurting for weeks afterwards. This time round, it’s been easier.
But to get to the actions in the above list, you have first to accept that it’s over. That is the hardest thing to do. (This time round I’ve achieved it - the thought that something might be salvageable only lasted a few days - and then I drew a veil over it.)
Personal actions:
[ul]
[li]Comfort yourself for a few weeks. Relieve any pressure that will be too much. Allow the grieving and the tears. Don’t be afraid to cancel doing stuff you just don’t feel up to.[/li][li]Gather your social network around you, and let them care for you.[/li][li]Don’t make any major life decisions during this time. You won’t be thinking straight.[/li][li]After a few weeks, turn over a leaf. Get active, start doing things again. Take up new activities.[/li][/ul]You will obsess. You will dream. You will become angry. Symptoms might include loss of appetite, insomnia, tearfulness, misdirected anger. They’re normal, and they will wear off.
One other symptom may be loss of self-worth. Certainly happened to me last year. This was the most difficult thing to get my head round: it doesn’t reflect badly on who you are, how you look, what you do, etc. - it’s just one of those things. You are as great as you were before you broke up, and you’re just as lovely and vibrant and articulate and clever and gorgeous as you were when you met them. Getting back to this mental position takes time and work, but it does happen.
*Box everything up, and I do mean everything, then write their phone # and email address on a piece of paper and put that in the box. Then give it to a trusted friend to keep far from you. Delete all their emails, and texts, and their phone # from your cellphone. You can still get in touch if you absolutely have to, or retrieve their stuff, but this will make it pretty tough to do.
Thank you guys for the well-wishes and support. I’m old enough and wise enough to know it’s not the end of the world. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so damn much. The funny thing is that I wanted to break up with him to begin with. Then, immediately afterwards, I fell madly in love with him. But his heart is hard and I know he’s not coming back, no matter how often I wear my sexy skirt.
Unfortunately, we make up 2 out of 5 of the foreigners in my city, and honestly I don’t have a pile of other friends here. Not seeing him socially would mean not seeing anyone socially, which would be tough. It also means that finding someone else is unlikely- though he’s having a great time with all of the local teenage beauties, much to my dismay.
I know cutting off contact would be better, but we’re all stuck in this hothouse for at least another four months. Neither one of us can really leave easily.
I am going to try to spend my weekends out of town, as finances permit. I can deal with teaching during the week, and getting into the hands of good old friends on the weekends. But I can’t leave every weekend.
And focusing on my future. I’m applying to grad schools, so I’ve got plenty of work to do and plenty to look forward to. I’m on my way up.
I’ve printed out a bunch of affirmations, and they are helping with my self-esteem. Really, I’ve been using them to battle piles of negative thoughts, and it’s working quite well, though it feels pretty silly.
Anyway, thanks all for the advice. I WILL get out of this unscathed, it’s just going to take some time. Just, hopefully, not too much.
I know logic doesn’t really help soothe the burn, but look at it this way: if you only had 5 guys to choose from, chances are none of them are particularly compatible with you.
Why can’t you date a local, by the way?
I could, but there are a lot of factors that make it unlikely. Nearly every man my age (28) is already married or in a serious relationship. The fact is that foreign women are not desirable marriage partners in my area, and culturally at this age relationships are expected to lead directly to marriage. I’ve known dozens of foreign women who have dated Chinese men, and in 99% of cases, a Chinese finance popped into the picture (or through a window!) eventually.
So it could happen, but the odds are against it, especially in the kind of town where everyone with the brains or means to get out does so as soon as possible.
Jameson. Neat.
I won’t admit to mine being broken, but it’s bruised. Really bruised. And I’ve been running. A lot. I don’t know if it’s fixing the heart, but it helps with the breathing.
Good luck to you.
Yeah, I ran a lot. Still do. It’s the best antidepressant out there.
even sven, I’d caution against dating so soon anyway. Four months sounds like a long long time right now, but it’s not that long. And four months an ideal time to work on your recovery, and the date you leave can be one you can mark on the calendar and live for - though I’m sure you’ll be sad to leave too, for reasons of enjoying where you are, culturally. I was in a similar situation (working with my ex every day for three months while she dated someone else) and it was murder. When she announced she was leaving, I lived for that day. And the day she left the job was a huge relief - but I didn’t really fully start to get better until she was out of sight and out of mind.
even sven I’ve alluded to my admiration of you before, so hopefully I’m not sounding too much like either a broken record or a creepy stalker when I say: you’re awesome. I know you’re awesome, your friends know you’re awesome, and although it might not be obvious to you right this very second, I suspect you know you’re awesome as well.
So. A relationship didn’t work, and right at this second the usual cliche about how many fish there are in the sea isn’t exactly operative. But four motnhs isn’t forever, things will change, and you’ll still be awesome.
Focus on your future. Tell yourself how much you rock, because you do. Things that hurt now simply won’t hurt later on, and the only way to get from here to there is to let time pass. You have accomplished great things, and I am certain you have many great things along the path you have yet to travel.
I usually eat too much chocolate, and sometimes I get a haircut.
What’s worked for me, ES (and I’ve survived at least seven partial fractures of the aorta), is finding some other part of my life I’ve been neglecting, often for the object of my affections, and usually work-related, that I really meant to do, and focusing on that for a while. Sometimes I’ve revised a hard-driveful of lesson plans, other times I’ve read some novels that have piled up on my desk, sometimes I’ve painted the house.
The work must be necessary, not just busy-work, and it must require much of your attention, and you must on some level recognize that it really needs to be done, by you, right now.
Looking for a new guy doesn’t qualify as work.
You once told us the story of how you met someone (not this last one, I hope, because I don’t want to stir up sad memories). I don’t remember what thread it was, and it would be difficult if not impossible to find now. But you described how you met this guy more or less by chance after a class, or something like that, and there was something about the way you described the event that makes it clear what an intelligent and attractive woman you must be. No, don’t anyone look at me like that. I’m happily married. But nobody could have read that story and not been moved.
Just do what everyone’s been saying–follow your own pursuits, guided by YOUR interests and goals. The right guy will happen.
Nitpick: the aorta is an artery. I think you mean ruptures of the vascular organ.
I second doing something important to you that you’ve perhaps put on the back burner of late. I also agree that you’re a wonderful person and will soon find someone who’ll make this romance seem a temporary measure. Finally, if all else fails, there’s ice cream.
Good luck and hang in there. You’ll be back to your old self in no time.