I'm going to masturbate into a cup sometime in the next week

[Badtz Maru]

My wife is going to start taking progesterone to get a regular period, so we can have a baby, but the doctor wants me to give a sperm sample first to make sure I have a high enough count to knock her up - no sense having her take hormones (progesterone) if it's not going to help.

This is going to be weird and probably a little embarassing, but I'm having fun thinking of ways to make it funnier - i.e., asking if they have any tentacle porn after being provided with they more typical magazines...

[Boris B]

All right.

[long pause]

Are you gonna tell us what tentacle porn is? Squids copulating? "Check out the beak on that one!" "Yeah, I heard she does with all ten arms!"

[Geek Mecha]

You have not lived until you've seen tentacle porn.

Badtz Maru, good luck to you and the missus.

[Gozu Tashoya]

This is kind of corny, but given the circumstances a good time could be had by all.

Step 1: Masturbate into a cup.

Step 2: Sit around twiddling thumbs (note: that is not a euphemism for more cup masturbating) or reading Playboy for the articles for another good 30 minutes or longer.

Step 3: Walk out of masturbation chamber, holding wrist gingerly. Give cup to doctor, then go up to your wife and say, in your most apologetic tones, "I'm sorry I took so long, honey, but none of those women were even remotely as pretty as you are."

Heh, told you it was corny. But I'd do it in a heartbeat.

[Coldfire]

You could go for maximum confusion and ask for gay porn instead of Playboy, I suppose.

Or bring a Ghetto blaster that plays the accompanying cheesy 70's Porn Sound Track.

[bibliophage]

Originally posted by Boris B


Are you gonna tell us what tentacle porn is? Squids copulating? "Check out the beak on that one!" "Yeah, I heard she does with all ten arms!"

Tentacle porn is a subset of pornographic Japanese Anime. See Tentacles? That's a text file. I decided not to link to any pictures, but you can find them easily enough if you care to search.

[SPOOFE]

I'm going to masturbate into a cup sometime in the next week

Y'know what, I'm going to do that, too. In fact, I'm going to start saving ALL my semen, then invite everyone over for tea.

Are you gonna tell us what tentacle porn is?

Watch the film Urotsukodoji. Crazy shit.

[Spritle]

My brother-in-law is a Reproductive Endocrinologist - a baby maker. He gets women pregnant for a living. In his office they have what I call the "masturbatorium", the room where one, well, you know...

He tells the story of the man who goes in and after 20 minutes still has not everged ro put his "sample" in the little opening to the other room. His wife, somewhat embarasses and disgusted, says, "That's it, I'm going in there."

Three minutes later they both emerge, he with a satisfied smile, she moving her jaw around.

[Adolph Peewee]

What is the attraction to masturbation tonight?> This is the third thread that's been fairly active which is primarily about masturbation!

wow...this world just keeps getting better!

[thinksnow]

spritle
My brother-in-law is a ...baby maker. He gets women pregnant for a living

Damn! I've got to get me one of those jobs!

<grumbling>
_{I went to college for HOW many years to be an engineer?!}

[Coldfire]

I dunno, thinksnow. Seems like most of the job is receiving cups filled to the brim with sperm from sweaty men.

I'd rather be designing bridges, myself.

[Dangerosa]

My husband did that....

The bad news, you may get to do it over and over so they can sperm wash and AIH (Artifically Inseminate By Husband).

Good Luck.

[Dragwyr]

Originally posted by Adolph Peewee
What is the attraction to masturbation tonight?> This is the third thread that's been fairly active which is primarily about masturbation!

I though I'd rise to the ocassion and say that this is the third thread to pop up regarding masterbation.

: Quickly ducks :

[Spritle]

What is this board comming to? A spunky lot you are. Are you people just nuts about masturbation? Or is this just some sort of self servicing action on the part of the OPs? Personally, I think it's just the OPs trying to stroke their own... egos. What kind of jerk would do otherwise?



(No, this isn't just a bump to move this thread to the head of the list.)

I'll beat a retreat now, lest I get tossed off the boards.

[mouthbreather]

<beavis>
mmmhm hmhmmhm hmhmhm hmhmhm. you said "otherwise".
</beavis>

[monkeylucifer]

Originally posted by SPOOFE Bo Diddly

Y'know what, I'm going to do that, too. In fact, I'm going to start saving ALL my semen, then invite everyone over for tea.

Watch the film Urotsukodoji. Crazy shit.

Ah, the wonderful Japanese series Legend Of The Overfiend...a delightful animated romp about demons, rape, Nazi fuck machines, magical penises, and armaggedon. Not your run of the mill anime my friends....not by a long shot.

[Scupper]

I had to do this when we were trying to get pregnant. The worst part about it was the instruction not to ejaculate at all for seven days before giving the sample.

"How is this going to be an accurate appraisal of my average sperm count?" was my question, as this restriction certainly created an unnatural reservoir of the little suckers.

How to have fun with it? Well, you can walk up to the nurse at the lab and say things like:

1 - "Is this the right place to jerk off?"

2 - "Okay, hang on, let me take off my jacket (while standing in the waiting room)."

3 - "Who's going to hold the cup? I use both hands!"


Just don't go in there thinking they haven't heard the line you're going to use, because I'm sure they have. And if you're a smartass, they'll probably give you a cup and directions to the dirtiest, stinkiest bathroom in the building.

[omni-not]

My husband did that....

The bad news, you may get to do it over and over

That's BAD news???

[thinksnow]

Coldfire
I dunno, thinksnow. Seems like most of the job is receiving cups filled to the brim with sperm from sweaty men.

You know, I go through all the trouble of specifically taking the phrase out of context, and there you go putting it back into context. What are we going to do with you?

[plnnr]

As a starving grad student I got paid to do this ($300 for ten donations to the fertility clinic at the local el-giganto teaching hospital). Every Wed. I'd drop in and they would have my little cup (along with about a dozen others) sitting on a shelf. No need to ask for anything. Just get your cup, proceed to restroom, take care of business, return the cup (discretely placed inside a brown paper bag)to the shelf. You an imagine my pride when, on one particular Wed., I was met by the receptionist who said "The doctors were really pleased with your semen last week. Keep up the good work." Gentlemen, let me tell you, if you've never been complimented on the quality of your semen, you never been complimented.

I also had the chance to provide two more samples when I had my vasectomy, the success of which is determined by jerki...well, providing a sample. It paled in comparison to getting paid for it and being told that my semen was of the highest quality.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

I just came in here hoping this was a thread about infertility treatments and not about you finally having HAD IT with those stupid customers at your job at Starbucks.....

[Danalan]

Step 2: Sit around twiddling thumbs (note: that is not a euphemism for more cup masturbating)or reading Playboy for the articles for another good 30 minutes or longer.

Don't do that -- the quality of the sample is very time-dependant. I worked in 'accessioning' at hospital lab for a while. The docs kept ordering these tests, but we had no facility for this type of sample to be given. We tried to let people just bring in the samples from home, but the window for an accurate sperm count is like 10 minutes. Our hospital was too rural for most people to jerk off, get in the car, drive to the hospital, park, and deliver the 'package' to the Lab in time.

The small restroom we had in accessioning was kept busy with people giving urine samples, and we didn't want people tying it up. We'd send them off to the ER staff room, there was a private bathroom there, with some magazines in a drawer. This worked OK until some smart guy brought his wife to help. She must have been good, or needed some vocal encouragement (OH YEAH, BABY! OH YEAH!), because the ER staff doc came over to complain. After that guys had to use the accessioning restroom -- really backed up the process, especially for people who had to give a urine sample 'urgently'. And absolutely no wives!

[Badtz Maru]

Man, the more I read about this, the less I am looking forward to it. 8^( Maybe I can get out of it somehow...

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Aw, chin up. What's a little dolphin-flogging for the cause of family planning? :-)

[Meephead]

Originally posted by spritle
What is this board comming to? A spunky lot you are. Are you people just nuts about masturbation? Or is this just some sort of self servicing action on the part of the OPs? Personally, I think it's just the OPs trying to stroke their own... egos. What kind of jerk would do otherwise?



(No, this isn't just a bump to move this thread to the head of the list.)

I'll beat a retreat now, lest I get tossed off the boards.

Wow, you relly pulled that off well. But, really, you should get a grip and quit spouting off about your habits.

[Ogre]

Originally posted by Coldfire
I dunno, thinksnow. Seems like most of the job is receiving cups filled to the brim with sperm from sweaty men.

I'd rather be designing bridges, myself.

I'm deeply sorry, Coldfire, but I'll never think of you quite the same way again.

[robgruver]

[somber moment]While I understand the humor of the situation, it is even worse when your sperm count is so low that you can't have children. I have had to give samples more times that I care to count, and it never gets better. My wife and I will have to go through quite a bit to have children, and it will be very expensive.

I hope the OP's tests go well and everything is normal.[/somber moment]

Heh... You said flogging the dolphin... heh...

[Sue Duhnym]

I just want to wish you and the Mrs. good luck.

Mr. Duhnym and I are embarking on that road ourselves. I just tossed my BCPs and will commence the protection-free bonking in three months.

Parenthood is wonderful and here's to hoping you get there with a minimum of intervention!

[Badtz Maru]

Well, if these hormones don't help, I don't want to pursue more in-depth fertility treatments. I'm generally against using medicine to enhance fertility, but in this case, since it's just a case of her body not producing enough of a certain hormone and it's probably not that great for her to not have a regular period anyway, I'm OK with it. It should work, she has had children twice before (one which was put up for adoption as a teenager, one 5 years ago) so we both think she will get pregnant pretty quick once her period starts up again.

[Spritle]

Good luck, Batz. We're all pullin' for ya'!

(Yeah, I had do get in just one more...)

[AWB]

Originally posted by plnnr
As a starving grad student I got paid to do this ($300 for ten donations to the fertility clinic at the local el-giganto teaching hospital)...

It paled in comparison to getting paid for it and being told that my semen was of the highest quality.

When we were going through infertility, my wife had to be examined by her doctor within 30 minutes of us "doing it". There's nothing like a little pressure when you have to do it. But I managed to and we were off to her doctor.

After her examination, my wife told me that the doctor told her that I have nice, strong little swimmers. Once of the proudest moments of my life.

[betenoir]

Originally posted by spritle
He tells the story of the man who goes in and after 20 minutes still has not everged ro put his "sample" in the little opening to the other room. His wife, somewhat embarasses and disgusted, says, "That's it, I'm going in there."

Three minutes later they both emerge, he with a satisfied smile, she moving her jaw around.

Well this seems so obvious to me. I mean, unlike the college student doing it for cash, if your at a fertility clinic you HAVE A WOMEN AVAILABLE. By definition. So why are they giving you magazines?

Badzt maybe you could ask them about this.

And good luck on the whole creating-new-life thing !

[Shirley Ujest]

When you go into the Masterbatoriam, for grins and giggles, tape to the back of the door in the smallest print you can,

" _{How's the eyesight?}

[snac]

When Mrs. Snac and I went through this some years ago, I was not given a nice quiet masturbatorium in which to do my business. Rather, I was told to show up on a particular Friday morning with a nice sample in tow. How I achieved the sample was left to me; although, the doctor warned in a passionlessly clinical voice, if I were to produce it via intercourse it was "essential to withdraw the--ah--penis completely from the--ah--vagina at least three seconds before ejaculation." Never having had much of a sense of timing, I opted for other means.

Then on Friday morning I arrived at the office with my nice little sample in a mini jam jar wrapped up in a paper bag, feeling quite literally drained and now embarrassed as all hell, and wouldn't you know it but that would be the day they were putting a new receptionist-type employee through her paces, so there was a line of about a dozen of us men, each shifting furtively from one foot to the other and carrying identical little paper bags, while overly loud drifts of conversation came from up front:

"Okay, so this is Mr. Johnston's semen sample, now here's his address, 317 Hamilton, huh? Oh, I live near there...now you ask him what time it was produced...okay, now you write 'Dr. Kane' on this line, that would be his wife's gynecologist..."

And on and on and on, while we clutched our little paper bags ever tighter to our bodies and wished that the earth would swallow us up whole. What a scene.

Badzt, good luck to you.