Ever had a great girlfriend that is smart, attractive, kind and adventurous both in and out of the bedroom, but can’t deal with you even looking at a Victoria’s Secret catalog?
Ok it’s the more hardcore stuff she mostly objects to, but I think this could be a relationship breaker. My policy is I would never cheat on her, but she sees naked pics as cheating. I see it as keeping my sexual imagination healthy. I like cars so I look at cars, I work with computers so I read and look at computer material. I like sex so I look at sexual material.
I can see three choices:
Give up any sort of “porn”, from PG-13 to XXX. She’d probably still suspect I partook even if I didn’t.
Tell her I give it up, but don’t give it up and just hide it completely.
Don’t give it up, stick to me being able to fill my head with whatever naughty thoughts and images I want, and hope the relationship survives.
Really #3 is looking like the best option here, I want to be honest with her. Option #1 is possible but I don’t really want to live that way, supressing my natural interests and instincts. #2 is just plain dishonest but probably has the best chance of success.
I might add that we don’t live together, we only see each other weekends, but we are serious about living together in the future.
An important part of the early stages of a relationship is defining expectations and setting boundaries. You don’t have to make a big dramatic production out of it – you know she doesn’t like porn, so be discreet about where you store it and when you look at it, but when the subject is brought up directly, be honest but firm. Yes, you sometimes look at porn. No, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not about her – you’re not looking because there’s something missing, you’re looking because you’re a guy and that’s one of the major ways guys are fundamentally different sexually from women.
If she makes a big crazy issue out of it, just break up. It’ll save you heartache in the long run.
I resented when my former husband chose porn over me. And I made him throw it away.
I look back on it now and feel bad for him - it was a nice collection, and since we are through, he probably regrets losing it.
I could justify my actions - like the fact that I was open to viewing it with him but watching porn with me tended to squick him out. But the point is, we were not coming at sex from the same place at the same time - and that was a problem. It was the tip of the iceberg on our communication issues.
Don’t hide it, don’t give it up - talk about it. Talk about why you like looking at it and how it differs from when you are with her. If you can’t come to an understanding, be careful how you compromise. Because that’s where a lot of resentment can lie.
She initiates it, says it keeps her up at night worrying about it.
I’ve talked to her at length about how it’s just a normal male thing, that she is sexy and beautiful (and she is) and I mean absolutely no disrespect to her at all, it’s just part of my mental sexual life.
I can see either of us being resentful over the outcome.
Bolding and graping mine…
I see this statement and it sounds like there’s some trust issues. First off, if you give it up and you think she’ll still suspect you anyways, then none of these are going to work. If she always suspects you, she’s always going to be looking for it. So either she’ll find it if you have it, or if you don’t have it, it could influence other things about the relationship (why doesn’t he want to have sex tonight? He said he doesn’t feel good, but I’ll bet he’s just looking at porn).
Anyways, I know you didn’t ask about relationship advice outside of this issue, but I think you really need to think about whether the statement I graped is in respect to just this issue or if it’s going to bleed over into other parts of the relationship and decide if you can be in a relationship issue with someone that’s going to be doubting everything you say. OTOH, if it’s just this one thing that you’re worried about, if she totally trusts you in everything you do except porn, then nevermind.
My SO doesn’t really care as long as I keep it hidden away from children’s eyes. On occasion, she has even asked me if I’ve downloaed “anything interesting” we can watch together.
I’d have to agree with Joey, above. There are definitely trust issues, as well as possible insecurities on her part, if she’s looking at paper or video dollies as being some sort of competition.
Maybe ask her what her non-you fantasies are. What does she masturbate about? Maybe she likes romance novels or makes up stories in her head - you like to look at visuals. Focus on her a little bit - get her to talk about what turns her on besides you. And work from there. Not accusingly, but encouragingly?
I feel bad for you, z. Because as the perceived party-at-fault, you have a hard row to hoe to have her see that she’s not being threatened.
This is one of those rare cases where I think further talking is just going to make things worse. The more this is kept as an open topic, the more it is allowed to fuel her insecurities. I think it’s analogous to the inexperienced guy fretting about his more experienced girlfriend’s past – there comes a point where he just has to let it go and get over it.
That’s where you’re at now, IMO. You need to nicely but firmly decline to discuss it any further. I’m sure it’ll come up again quite a few times: the answer is to be reassuring about how unbelievably awesome and hot you think she is and how you have absolutely no interest in being with anyone but her, but not to let her draw you into any discussion of what you do when you’re alone.
I don’t like it. Not because I’m insecure, but because it’s exploitative. I have zero problem with textual porn, and not much of one with drawn porn.
I don’t demand that my husband not partake. I do ask that he be discreet about it. He watches it on his computer, and the DVDs that he owns are kept in a place I don’t go often. I know they’re there, and that’s OK.
He knows and respects that I am not interested in watching it with him, and I don’t want any downloaded onto my computer.
Would I prefer that he not use it at all? Hell yes. But it’s his decision, and as long as he doesn’t rub my face in it, and as long as our sex life is good, I’m not gonna object.
Keeps her up at night? Why? Does she think you’re up all night, getting contact info for the porn stars, and initiating wild affairs with them IRL?
“Keeps her up at night worrying” is really dramatic. I’d dump her. And I say this as a chick.
For the record, all my exes have watched porn (as do most men, women, and inbetween, I think) and the only time I even brought it up was when I found “Mom’s Anal Adventures Parts 1-4” on my ex’s computer, then a bunch of GILF porn :eek:. It was basically just me laughing hysterically and going, “REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?” I’m a supportive girlfriend.
JoeyP, we don’t have any trust issues aside from this. I trust her and she trusts me, and we try to be 100% honest. But I indicated to her in the past that I’d try to quit looking at porn, then we didn’t talk about it for months, then she asked me if I still was and I said yes, I had occasionally. She took that as being dishonest.
melodyharmonius, I’ve asked her several times but she won’t admit to masturbating or sexual thoughts about anyone else ever. But she does have a quite dirty mind. So not sure about that. If she’s being truthful, then I guess she really can’t see my point of view at all. Early on we were a lot more open about sexual fantasy, but now due to medical issues she probably feels less attractive, although she’s not to me.
Giraffe, I’d like not to talk about it any more, but I don’t think “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is going to work with this matter.
Take #2 off the table before you do anything else. You can’t even consider that one if you’re going to have any kind of relationship. Whether the two of you can work out a compromise about the porn, starting out by deciding to lie to her is just not going to work.
Is she worried about you and porn, or about porn in general? If her concern is about you looking at other women, or that it means she’s not enough for you, then reassurance, or enough experience with you might eventually help. If it’s the porn in general that bothers her, this might be something that can’t be compromised. If she feels that it’s exploitive, or a moral problem, that’s a whole different conversation. I’d guess you’ve covered that already, since you’ve talked about it, but is that part of what’s in her mind?
And then I’d guess you’ll have to decide what you can live with, or without. As was said earlier, be careful how you compromise.
I hope you can figure something out.
And as an afterthought, would she be willing to take a look at some written stuff? I cannot stand visual porn, but a good erotic story is another thing altogether. I don’t know, but it might help her understand what the rest of it does for you. Or maybe you could share a couple of those and go from there?
So, you’d rather hang on to a stash of porn than have a real, live girlfriend who is “smart, attractive, kind and adventurous both in and out of the bedroom”?
