My Divorce Saga

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last November my wife asked me for a divorce. I had no idea she was unhappy so it came as a great shock. The idea of counseling came up but she shot that down. I stuck with it but everything became crystal clear when I went to the bank a few days later and found all of our accounts cleaned out, then I got home and the locks on the house were changed. She was kind enough to allow a friend of mine to go in and grab my clothes. Thankfully I have some great friends who have allowed me to stay with them for the past 10 months.

We eventually talked and agreed that we would not file for divorce until we had settled every issue–financial stuff, separating property, etc. I went ahead and hired a lawyer because I needed someone who had the ability to say no when I couldn’t. We had a meeting with our lawyers where we exchanged financial information and then set up another meeting where we would discuss a settlement.

That meeting never happened. A few days before we were to meet her lawyer called mine and said that she had to reschedule because my ex-wife had to go out-of-town. Turns out she went to visit some guy she met on-line that she had been chatting with weeks before she asked for the divorce. When she got back we tried to reschedule but the ex would not agree to a time to meet.

After getting the cold shoulder a few more times I filed for divorce. For some reason she refused to do anything to make the divorce happen and I felt that filing was the only thing I could do. When we sent the papers to her lawyer they were refused. Turns out the lawyer that she brought to the first meeting was no longer representing her. So we had her served at work. That pissed her off so much that she sat on the papers and didn’t file her response until my lawyer filed a motion for definitive judgment. That got her to hire a new lawyer.

At the motion hearing, since she had filed her response (even though it was overdue), the judge set a date for pre-trial motions and ordered us to sit down before the next court date to try to iron things out. That meeting was scheduled for today.

This morning my lawyer called me and said that after she left the office last night my ex’s lawyer called to cancel the meeting with no reason given. Apparently my ex does not want to settle things between us–she wants the judge to do it and I don’t understand why.

My frustration level is through the roof right now. I don’t understand why she’s doing this. She’s the one who asked for the divorce. I don’t know why I’m getting this treatment. I never hit her, I never raised my voice, we rarely fought, and yet I’m being treated like I’m the worst person in the world. I would like to know why but she won’t talk to me.

Don’t get me wrong–I know this marriage is over. I want it to be over so I can move on with my life. When someone has all of your possessions (she never let me go back to get anything but clothing) along with your savings it’s kind of hard to move on.

I also know that some people have had their divorces run on a lot longer than mine. Aside from finances and the house we have nothing else to separate. We don’t have kids (thank whatever deity you believe in for that) so there’s no reason to drag this out.

One of her friends told me after we separated that I would never meet anyone like her again. After all of this crap she’s put me through I certainly hope that’s true.

2

My brother went through some of this same shit. From what I bet MR ONLINE wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. Essentially she is in a shit position because she made a move to dump you based on an assumption that MR ONLINE was going to be the shit. Well it seems like he has turned out to be shit as well.
BTW… to every guy on here… as far as MY state law says and from what I know… no one can LOCK you out of your house. You have residency rights and I’ve informed many a lady that if she wants to leave she is free to go… but she cannot put him out regardless of what he has done other than physical violence.

Good move on hiring a female divorce attorney… hang in their… Just remember what Nick Cage said at the end of Red Rock West… 'I didn’t deserve this… "…

3

WTF? How is that legal?

4

Same thought here. How are you NOT filing papers or even CHARGES to get access to your personal property?

5

Do you own this house with your wife? If so, you can call the police and they will go there with you to get your personal belongings. She can’t just lock you out of a house that YOU own.

6

For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing all the right things and sooner or later a judge will FORCE your wife to deal with the reality of what she’s put in motion (or go to jail for contempt of court or whatever). Hang in there!

7

I haven’t pressed the issue with the house or my belongings because I wanted this to be amicable. Hiring a locksmith to get me in the house or getting a court order was, in my opinion, not the way to be amicable. I know that the issue will be solved eventually and I will get my things. Luckily I did not have any family heirlooms in the house (they were stored at my parents as the ex and myself were waiting to finish the room they were going to be in). To be honest I’ve been without those things for so long that they are not really important to me anymore. They are just things that can be replaced.

As for Mr. Online…I just have to shake my head. She met him through a game on a social networking site. I found out about him when I saw some weird charges on our cell phone bill. Not the best move on her part considering I work for a cell phone provider and have access to the bill before she does. Did she think I wouldn’t see the international calls? That’s right, Mr. Online lives in a different country. I won’t say where he lives, but she’s visited him once, he visited her once and from what I understand she’s going to visit him again in the fall. Again, I have to shake my head.

I was wary of hiring a female lawyer because I thought that as a woman she would not be sympathetic to my situation. Wow, I could not have been more wrong. To steal a line from a commercial, sharks have a week on TV dedicated to her. She seemed more pissed off today than I was. Today she exercised her ability to say no when I couldn’t and in the weeks leading up to the next court date my ex will see why it’s in her best interests to get this done as soon as possible.

I know this will be over eventually but right now it’s difficult because my patience has run out. It’s been a tough day–I’m my own worst enemy and controlling my urges to e-mail or call her and bitch her out has been hard. When it becomes tough I just keep telling myself, “She knows what she is and she doesn’t need me to remind her.”

Thanks for listening everyone. Having someone to tell this to who isn’t involved in the situation has been cathartic.

8

From my experience, the more someone is in the wrong, the harder they are to deal with. She knows how she’s behaving. She knows she hasn’t done this the right way. And that guilt is what’s making all of this harder for you.

I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you the best in getting all of this settled.

9

I hope you get all your money and possessions soon. She sounds like a real piece of work. Just remember the last laugh will be on her. You will go on and meet someone who deserves you.

10

Dude - been there. Not in a marriage but in a long term relationship that, well, ended similarly; the bitch still has a lot of my stuff (and like you, I consider it replaceable - albeit several years later). I walked in on the affair and (at the risk of inspiring feminist ire) I still regret not slapping the hell out of her - it’s that instinctive primal justice thing. We (meaning “I”) even tried to “fix things” for a while - but I could never trust her again.

You’re doing the right thing by hiring a “shark” lawyer (and female, in this case, is probably a good choice). You didn’t deserve this, but she didn’t deserve you.

Do yourself a favor, and get out there and do some dating (nothing serious until you’re ready - another lesson I’ve learned). And with whomever you date, if it comes up, be honest (but, of course, don’t sound as spiteful as you probably are) about the situation. It’s tough to confess to being hurt in man-world, but chicks tend to understand… I hear they have hormones that contribute to that. :wink:

You’re the good guy, she’s the bad guy. FTW.

11

What’s being done about “all your accounts being cleaned out”? How can you be sure the money’s still around? She could be giving it to Mr. Online, and financing the overseas visits. Can you get a court order or something to get it back?

12

That’s disgusting. You should probably keep thoughts like this to yourself. And work on your desire to hit women with therapy.

13

Hey Cell Guy

It sounds like things are definitely going to work out OK for you. You have a good attitude about your “stuff” that has been left behind. It’s just replaceable stuff.

Good on you for continuing to take the high road, and also good one for hiring a lawyer to cover your ass(sets). This is the professional approach to an emotional problem, and will help insulate you from more emotional harm.

If you’re ever feeling like emailing her or calling her to tell her what a nasty bitch she is… keep reminding yourself that the professional way you’re handling it is actually driving her insane. She wants you to be crazy-angry so that she can have a story to tell of the “horrible angry abusive husband” she left. You’re giving her nothing but the cold fact that she’s been completely in the wrong - and that’s a bitter pill for her to swallow.

14

Stay strong - being the bigger man will (more than likely) get you the better result in the long run.

Have you tried writing out everything you want to say to her and just burning it for a little catharsis?

15

Presumably, his lawyer will have access to all the financial information (early on, he said that they “had a meeting with our lawyers where we exchanged financial information”)

This financial information will include how much money was in the accounts at the time of the split (or the time of the locking-out-of -the-house). A judge will take this into account when dividing the assets. A judge may also take a very dim view if it looks like one of the partners was trying to remove and hide assets.

His lawyer sounds like she is good - and not one to let this little detail slip past.

16

So, are you playing the irate feminist? If so, good job.

17

/wonders how in the context of hitting someone (and in this case a woman) being considered an irate feminist can be construed as anything but a compliment.

18

I don’t think it takes a feminist to not want men to hit women.

Carry on with your bad self, dude. It was a knee-jerk reaction on my part. I’m sorry.

Don’t beat me, sir!

19

Note that the guy did not actually hit anyone; he confesses to fantasizing about it in retrospect.

I guess that when thinking back about when he actually walked in on some guy schtupping his wife, he should just think: “ah, I guess I should have apologized and quietly closed the door. Maybe offered to make them a little light lunch after they were done.”

20

Have fun playing with your false dilemmas. I’ll be portraying the role of the adult in this conversation and wish Cell Guy good luck with his situation and that he comes out of it as happy and healthy as can be expected given the circumstances.