The Straight Dope

Go Back   Straight Dope Message Board > Main > Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-19-2011, 08:49 PM
Chessic Sense Chessic Sense is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
The secret to getting laid

Method: Dancing spontaneously in the kitchen with your fiancee.
Her response:
Your response:

Method: Telling your fiancee that you told her (female) friend that you dance spontaneously with her in the kitchen.
Her response:
Your response:

Last edited by Chessic Sense; 02-19-2011 at 08:50 PM..
Reply With Quote
Advertisements  
  #2  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:05 AM
Rhythmdvl Rhythmdvl is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Shakedown Street
Posts: 12,409
I don't get it. I just told my wife that I spontaneously danced with your fiancee's female friend in the kitchen. Her response wasn't what I was expecting.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:09 AM
Covered_In_Bees! Covered_In_Bees! is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Methinks a liquor cabinet somewhere is several ounces (liters? quarts?) lighter.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:10 AM
Dallas Jones Dallas Jones is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
The secret to getting laid

It has something to do with two claw-foot bath tubs sitting side by side on the lawn.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:28 AM
Rhythmdvl Rhythmdvl is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Shakedown Street
Posts: 12,409
Okay, so I just told my wife that I was going to pull the tubs out of the bathrooms so we could bathe in the contents of our liquor cabinet while on the phone with Chessic's fiancee's female friend's plumber (we don't have claw-foot tubs so we'll need instructions on how to put these acrylic shells back in when we're through).

She's not happy.

Could it be because it's still really cold outside and the lawn is covered in snow? No wonder this is a secret!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-20-2011, 07:01 AM
ptr2void ptr2void is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
The key part of this secret:

Quote:
fiancee
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-20-2011, 07:09 AM
KinkiNipponTourist KinkiNipponTourist is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chessic Sense View Post
Method: Dancing spontaneously in the kitchen with your fiancee.
Her response:
Your response:

Method: Telling your fiancee that you told her (female) friend that you dance spontaneously with her in the kitchen.
Her response:
Your response:
Well done! Now for confession time: did you really tell your fiancee's friend that? Or were you just saying that to get a quick/easy lay? BE HONEST.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-20-2011, 07:53 AM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Rolling your eyes at your fiancee when you dance with her spontaneously makes her want to have sex with you? Is that like an advanced neg?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:26 AM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
The secret to getting laid: Be someone someone else wants to have sex with.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:19 AM
mookieblaylock mookieblaylock is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 130
Method: don't be me.

If you are then you may as well cut your genitals off because you're never gonna be using them.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:54 AM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Near the GT eeehhhh...
Posts: 26,623
The secret to getting laid: wealth confidence. At least, that's what the Internet tells me.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:58 AM
Chessic Sense Chessic Sense is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhythmdvl View Post
I don't get it. I just told my wife that I spontaneously danced with your fiancee's female friend in the kitchen. Her response wasn't what I was expecting.
Since apparently I was too cryptic in the OP, let me state it plainly.

Dancing spontaneously with your fiancee makes her smile. You get a "aren't you cute" and that's it. Thus the rolleyes.

But if you say "I told your friends that we dance spontaneously," then you get the "come 'ere" wink and blowjob smilies commence, leading to a wide grin for being so cool.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KinkiNipponTourist View Post
Well done! Now for confession time: did you really tell your fiancee's friend that? Or were you just saying that to get a quick/easy lay? BE HONEST.
Definitely did.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-20-2011, 12:00 PM
Chessic Sense Chessic Sense is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunspace View Post
The secret to getting laid: wealth confidence. At least, that's what the Internet tells me.
Hot, rich guy secure with himself: Confident.
Ugly, broke guy secure with himself: Arrogant.

It's like women see a 6'2", muscular, rich-looking guy walk down the street and they go "Oooh, would you look at the confidence in that guy!"
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 02-20-2011, 12:02 PM
LouisB LouisB is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Seminole, FL
Posts: 8,223
I used to know the secret to getting laid. I've forgotten it. I'm happy to be a born again virgin.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 02-20-2011, 12:13 PM
DigitalC DigitalC is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
The secret to getting laid is low standards.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 02-20-2011, 12:53 PM
pkbites pkbites is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Majikal Land O' Cheeze!
Posts: 8,163
Quote:
Originally Posted by ptr2void View Post
The key part of this secret:

Quote:
fiancee

Yeah. Why does one need a "secret to getting laid" if they have a significant other? Putting out is part of their job description.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:02 PM
gravitycrash gravitycrash is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: St.Louis MO.
Posts: 1,821
According to 99% of women's profiles on any dating site on the internet you gotta make them laugh.

If you can't make them laugh then: NO SEX FOR YOU.

Since I'm not very funny, not very good looking, and not very rich I hit the trifecta in the not getting laid department.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:18 PM
N8N8N8N N8N8N8N is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chessic Sense View Post
Method: Dancing spontaneously in the kitchen with your fiancee.
Her response:
Your response:

Method: Telling your fiancee that you told her (female) friend that you dance spontaneously with her in the kitchen.
Her response:
Your response:
You been watching too many Cyalis commercials
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:26 PM
Larry Mudd Larry Mudd is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Back in the remote past when "getting laid" was a singular goal, the strategies that worked best for me were:
a) trolling sci-fi conventions for differently-adjusted girls who had no idea they were supposed to be completely unattainable and would hop into bed with you if were able to demonstrate a sufficiently obscure sense of humour, even if you were 5'4" and had feet like a hobbit. (Perhaps even because you were 5'4" and had feet like a hobbit.)

b) throwing psychedelic projections for head bands and at warehouse parties and having a ready supply of recreational pharmaceuticals.
These days, what seems to work is observing that (incredibly!) we may just have a narrow window of opportunity in which to manage the deed. My, how times change.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:29 PM
Superhal Superhal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Fiancee: just about anything.

Post-fiancee: begging.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 02-20-2011, 01:49 PM
Dallas Jones Dallas Jones is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by DigitalC View Post
The secret to getting laid is low standards.
Oooh, that's good. You are wise.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:28 PM
wolfman wolfman is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Quote:
Originally Posted by DigitalC View Post
The secret to getting laid is low standards.
Yeah, but how do I get the hot chicks to lower their standards?
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:30 PM
Superhal Superhal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfman View Post
Yeah, but how do I get the hot chicks to lower their standards?
Cash.

Last edited by Superhal; 02-20-2011 at 03:31 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:32 PM
drachillix drachillix is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfman View Post
Yeah, but how do I get the hot chicks to lower their standards?
Make more money, and buy her alcohol.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:34 PM
wolfman wolfman is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal View Post
Cash
So I should murder a man in Reno?
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:39 PM
Superhal Superhal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfman View Post
So I should murder a man in Reno?
There was an episode of CSI about this, strangely enough.

Step 1: First, you be a golddigger yourself and marry a rich old person.

Step 2: Murder the rich person so you inherit all their cash.

Step 3: Attract hot mates with your newfound cash.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:40 PM
Snarky_Kong Snarky_Kong is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Why is telling her friends that you dance a turn-on for her?
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:50 PM
elfkin477 elfkin477 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: NH
Posts: 19,613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snarky_Kong View Post
Why is telling her friends that you dance a turn-on for her?
I'm confused about that too, since it definitely wouldn't do anything for me. Maybe it's a euphemism?
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:09 PM
Chessic Sense Chessic Sense is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snarky_Kong View Post
Why is telling her friends that you dance a turn-on for her?
Same reason giving a girl flowers is good, but giving them to her at her office in front of her female coworkers is much, much better.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:14 PM
Snarky_Kong Snarky_Kong is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chessic Sense View Post
Same reason giving a girl flowers is good, but giving them to her at her office in front of her female coworkers is much, much better.
But she wasn't present to get the jealousy.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:20 PM
elmwood elmwood is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 9,306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dallas Jones View Post
It has something to do with two claw-foot bath tubs sitting side by side on the lawn.
That's what all the ED drug commercials show, so it must be true!
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:38 PM
dhkendall dhkendall is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsgoddess View Post
The secret to getting laid: Be someone someone else wants to have sex with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mookieblaylock View Post
Method: don't be me.
Or, an easier way is to simply read posts above yours.

(Posts below yours work as well:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LouisB View Post
I used to know the secret to getting laid. I've forgotten it. I'm happy to be a born again virgin.
In other words, dude, don't worry about it. You keep brinigng it up, you worry about it. Think the Pope ever griped about never having had a piece of ass in 83 years?)
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:01 PM
mookieblaylock mookieblaylock is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 130
Quote:
Originally Posted by dhkendall View Post
Or, an easier way is to simply read posts above yours.

(Posts below yours work as well:



In other words, dude, don't worry about it. You keep brinigng it up, you worry about it. Think the Pope ever griped about never having had a piece of ass in 83 years?)
No he didn't, because that's the lifestyle he chose.

I'm so pathetic I can't even manage to do what no one else has any problem with. Shows how great I am, doesn't it?
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:39 PM
Superhal Superhal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by mookieblaylock View Post
I'm so pathetic I can't even manage to do what no one else has any problem with.
Try to use vaseline instead of baby oil. Baby oil doesn't create enough friction. But, if it's a hand/eye coordination problem, brace your hand on the bed.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:44 PM
Rigamarole Rigamarole is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
The critical flaw in the OP's premise is that having a fiancee is a pre-requisite. Getting laid isn't really supposed to be a challenge when you have a fiancee.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:49 PM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
Charter Member
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Marmite Free Sector
Posts: 17,653
Quote:
Originally Posted by mookieblaylock View Post
Method: don't be me.

If you are then you may as well cut your genitals off because you're never gonna be using them.
Moderator Warning
mookie,

How many times must we say it? We don't want to see any more self-pity posts from you about not getting laid.

I do understand how hard it can be to go through this. However, you need to keep in mind that everyone gets it by now.

I've issued a formal warning for this.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:54 PM
Onomatopoeia Onomatopoeia is offline
僕は女性の香りが大好きですよ。フア!
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: 小浜国
Posts: 5,205
Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal View Post
Fiancee: just about anything.

Post-fiancee: begging.
I hear and read this a lot, and jokes about how once you're married you will "Never Have Sex Again...en...en...en...en", which is simply untrue.

No, we don't have sex whenever we're in eyeshot of each other like we used to, nor do I want that, but after twenty years, a couple of times a week is not bad. If anything, sometimes that's a little too frequent. I mean, it's twenty years for goodness sake. It's not like things are suddenly going to be different.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 02-21-2011, 12:30 AM
Superhal Superhal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Onomatopoeia View Post
I hear and read this a lot, and jokes about how once you're married you will "Never Have Sex Again...en...en...en...en", which is simply untrue.

No, we don't have sex whenever we're in eyeshot of each other like we used to, nor do I want that, but after twenty years, a couple of times a week is not bad. If anything, sometimes that's a little too frequent. I mean, it's twenty years for goodness sake. It's not like things are suddenly going to be different.
You are luckily in the 1% of outliers. Rejoice while you can.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 02-21-2011, 12:55 AM
Onomatopoeia Onomatopoeia is offline
僕は女性の香りが大好きですよ。フア!
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: 小浜国
Posts: 5,205
Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal View Post
You are luckily in the 1% of outliers. Rejoice while you can.
I simply don't believe that. I know we're not in GD but cite?
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 02-21-2011, 02:38 AM
cochrane cochrane is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfman View Post
So I should murder a man in Reno?
Only if you watch him die.
Reply With Quote
  #41  
Old 02-21-2011, 02:40 AM
TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by Onomatopoeia View Post
I simply don't believe that. I know we're not in GD but cite?
From here:
Quote:
Percentage of Men Reporting Frequency of Vaginal Sex, N=2396
Age Group---18-24/---/25-29/---/30-39/---/40-49/---/50-59/---/60-69/---/70+


2-3 times
per week ----45.8/-----/37.1/-----/26.8 /----/19.9 /---/15.0 /-----/9.5/-----/5.8

4 or more
times per
week ----------20.8--- /5.9/ -----/ 5.8/-----/ 3.7 / -- ---/ 1.1 /----/ 0.0/ ---0.8
If we can assume that you got married at a legal age, after 20 years, you would be in one of groups on the right hand side.

If you were to say "a couple" of times as two, then the frequency would be in the 15% to 19.9% range, but the doesn't say how many of the times are with the wife.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 02-21-2011, 03:10 AM
HazelNutCoffee HazelNutCoffee is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Wow. I honestly cannot believe that the majority of couples my age have sex once a week at best. Really?
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 02-21-2011, 03:46 AM
KinkiNipponTourist KinkiNipponTourist is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snarky_Kong View Post
But she wasn't present to get the jealousy.
I won't presume to speak for ChessicSense, but my take on it was this:

First of all, jealousy isn't remotely involved. If the fiancee herself went and told her friends that CS dances with her in the kitchen, they either go "awwwwwwww, how sweet!" or they go "yeah yeah yeah, we get it, yer in love, etc." But chick is bragging, and that gets old fast.

But if the boyfriend goes and tells them,

1. The girlfriends get to see what a sweet guy he is

2. Without her having to brag about it. They will come tell her about it later!

3. And, broomstick poke in the kidney notwithstanding, it's a sweet, romantic gesture. In real life, if the guy sneaks up on us, we KNOW his final objective isn't dancing, usually because his hands head right for the boobage. Or he might pretend to dance for a few seconds, but then Mr. Broomstick makes himself known, etc.

4. But if the guy tells the girlfriends "I dance with her in the kitchen" they get all the romantic part: "he dances! he's comfortable w/ himself to share this with us AND, contrary to 100% of every other couple's experience, it didn't lead to sex! He just wanted to dance with her. OMG!" Courtly love!

Hell, even I want to sleep with CS, and I've never met the guy!
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 02-21-2011, 03:56 AM
Onomatopoeia Onomatopoeia is offline
僕は女性の香りが大好きですよ。フア!
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: 小浜国
Posts: 5,205
Quote:
Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer View Post
From here:

If we can assume that you got married at a legal age, after 20 years, you would be in one of groups on the right hand side.

If you were to say "a couple" of times as two, then the frequency would be in the 15% to 19.9% range, but the doesn't say how many of the times are with the wife.
Okay, so 19.9, let's just call it 20 percent of couples my age who've been married for 20 years, have sex, on average, twice a week. That is lower than I would have expected, but it's still much higher than the 1 percent number I questioned.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 02-21-2011, 05:05 AM
TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelNutCoffee View Post
Wow. I honestly cannot believe that the majority of couples my age have sex once a week at best. Really?
From the linked chart, for females in their 20s, it all depends on the middle group, and how many of them are only weekly vs. those who are several times a week.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 02-21-2011, 08:26 AM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer View Post
From here:

If we can assume that you got married at a legal age, after 20 years, you would be in one of groups on the right hand side.

If you were to say "a couple" of times as two, then the frequency would be in the 15% to 19.9% range, but the doesn't say how many of the times are with the wife.
Am I misreading that or doesn't it say that married people are having sex more than singles?
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 02-21-2011, 08:31 AM
Unintentionally Blank Unintentionally Blank is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
/reads title of chart

/reads across to age group

/reads down to frequency

/does some mental math

/sighs unhappily.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 02-21-2011, 09:10 AM
TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsgoddess View Post
Am I misreading that or doesn't it say that married people are having sex more than singles?
Pretty much every survey I've read reports married people have more sex than singles. Access is the key point.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 02-21-2011, 09:13 AM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer View Post
Pretty much every survey I've read reports married people have more sex than singles. Access is the key point.
Well, I thought I knew that, too. But this survey was posted in reply to a request for a cite about the opposite, so I got confused about what was actually being demonstrated.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 02-21-2011, 10:20 AM
Angua Angua is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelNutCoffee View Post
Wow. I honestly cannot believe that the majority of couples my age have sex once a week at best. Really?
Its believable, and certainly mirrors my experience now that the initial "OMG! You're awesome, I love you!!" thing has worn off. We work long hours, inevitably have to bring work home, and the other stuff that we're both separately involved in, tends to leave both of us absolutely exhausted at the end of the day and just about able to flop into bed. Mornings are a mad rush between maximizing time asleep and getting to work on time. It all leaves very little time for other things. Don't get me wrong, we both still love each other, and think the other is insanely hot, its just that we're no longer jumping each other at every chance we get, because other things take priority. And its not like we have kids either.

Unfortunately, I'm rather convinced that ours is the norm and not the exception.
Reply With Quote
Reply



Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:44 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@chicagoreader.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Publishers - interested in subscribing to the Straight Dope?
Write to: sdsubscriptions@chicagoreader.com.

Copyright 2013 Sun-Times Media, LLC.