As many of y’all may have heard, a good number of Xtians have decided to ignore the plain words of the Gospel and assert that they know when the Rapture is going to occur: namely on the 21st of this month.
Such persons are, of course, nincompoops. I think. But in the event they’re right we should go ahead and plan a big freaking party, since those of us who are left are obviously going to hell anyway. So if it happens I want y’all to meet me in Shelby Farms in Memphis. I’ve already made arrangements to [del]purchase beer and food[/del] loot several local Kroger’s, so we’re good on the basics.
My best friend is getting married on the 21st, so we will be having a hell of a party afterward regardless of any rapture. I’m sure there will be rapture later that night though! Oh ho!
The Druidess is an excellent cook–along with many other sterling qualities. We bring two each of dogs and attack lizards, some good bourbon and a reasonable facsimile thereof, a semi-random collection of classic tunes on CD, and I’d probably “find” a few weapons with ample ammo along the way…
Excuse me, but could you enlarge upon the theme of “attack lizards?” What, typically, are they trained to attack, and should the other party attendants worry? Are they house-trained? Do we need to stock up on Lizard Chow?
Of course they’re not house-trained. I don’t even understand the question there. As for whom they’re trained to attack, unless the counselor has hinked with them, they attack what they are commanded to attack, when commanded, or in self-defense, but not otherwise. We tried doing it other ways but there were a lot of lawsuits.
How big are the attack lizards? Are we talking Komodo Dragons, or geckos, or somewhere in between?
And, while I understand that lizards, being cold-blooded, require less food to sustain them than most mammals of equivalent size, do you expect us to have sufficient occasions to command the lizards to attack (or situations in which their lives are threatened) that they will have enough prey-food to sustain themselves?
And, silly, by house-trained, I mean can we leave them on sentry duty in the house without waking up to lizard fewmets (scat, faeces, turds) all over the place? Don’t know about you, but I’m not all that taken by the idea of waking up to go to the bathroom and stepping into lizard poo.
I live alone in an urban area. Maybe I should consider acquiring one of these attack lizards. Have you any more for sale?
Sorry, on the 22nd, I’ll be stuck going to a postponed Mother’s Day dinner. (And now I’m picturing a cartoon with all of the Family Circus characters up in heaven. The Mother has her hands on her hips, saying “You postponed my Mother’s Day dinner knowing this would happen, didn’t you?” The rest of them look sheepish.)
Are people who own Aston Martins likely to be Taken Up? I don’t think so, but good luck.
These particular attack lizards are of the Bearded Dragon variety. Very well trained, and don’t causes issues with fewmets. Poop is rare, and usually just a pellet. When not eating intruders or other annoyances, they eat super worms and salad greens.
