So I was fine for the first year after we split. Well and truly fine. Friends, career, home life, volunteer work, all of it lining up pretty much the way I’d hoped. Better, actually. No men, but after 25 years of constant friction with my ex-husband (and not the good kind) that was aok with me.
I did look in the eyes of the men I met to see if there was anything interesting lurking. Nope. Nada. Well that’s fine. I’ll just enjoy the relief from the burden of my marriage.
I read that something like 80% of people marry within 5 years of their divorce. Naw! No way!! Not me, bub.
Then I happened to meet someone intriguing and I swear, it’s like I fell down Alice’s rabbit hole. Completely disorienting and dizzying. Much worse than any crush I had in high school. ALL these things that I always wished my ex could be – well, damn, they existed after all. UNreal.
And of course it didn’t pan out. Of course not. That would be too easy.
NOW I’m lonely. I wasn’t before. I was just relieved, before.
This sucks.
A friend was telling me it’ll take 3-5 years for the shit to finish falling.
I have no suggestions. I can only commiserate. My divorce was finalized five years ago last week, after 13+ years of marriage. I have only had one relationship since then that ever went anywhere, and even that was only a pale shadow. If you ever figure it out, please let us all know.
Aw, I’m sorry - is that the reason for the lack of response? I thought I was the only one who felt lost.
It’s really frustrating that the YEARS I’ve invested into becoming a functional adult have very little bearing on this issue. In fact, plenty of those life skills are now drawbacks!
I will tell you that in the past 12 months I’ve crossed paths with about ten different couples who met late in life, generally following a divorce. All of them told me not to worry about it, and to just go about my life. Que sera.
Bill’s wife of 30 years died about a year and a half ago. We were only friends up until then. We are more than friends now, but I feel that Bill needs to recover and heal before we make plans.
Your life changed in many ways, you have lost your routine. It sucks.
(the first time Bill and I “hooked up” he didn’t know what to do because I’m not his wife.)
My advice is that you shouldn’t rush into anything. Keep condoms handy for the just in case thing. Remember that your life has changed in many good ways and you don’t need anyone else to make you complete.
I don’t know if I’m helping or hindering, fessie, but so far, my story’s been pretty good. The abbreviated story, in case you’ve already read about it here, is that I started talking to a Doper here (just as a friend to vent about my divorce situation) a week after I split from my ex-wife. Even though we weren’t looking (I sure as hell didn’t need to be looking at that point), we started feeling that spark after a few weeks of talking. We eventually met in person, did the long-distance thing for a year and a half, and then we started living together. We got married a couple of months ago even though I thought for sure there’s no way I’d have done that again.
I don’t think there are any guarantees in life, but I’ve been extremely fortunate to this point, and as happy as I’ve ever been in a relationship. So, post-divorce has been mostly a positive (sans dealing with the divorce itself) for me. Here’s hoping your unpleasantness lasts as brief a time as possible.
I would say: don’t fret about should-I-shouldn’t-I ; let it happen or not, as fate would have it. Don’t try to make every new possibility be THE ONE or not.
Lay back, live a good full life and become your own self again. Be a self-sufficient free agent happy in your self, in your own company.
Then if you come across someone you’re interested in, you won’t need to try to change to please them, but can take or leave them as seems best at the time. IOW don’t be needy OR stand-offish.
Just be prepared, though, that it will come and go in waves. You’ll feel good as you think you’ve gotten past something, then a trigger of some sort will come up and you may find those feelings are fresher than you thought they were. 25 years is a big chunk of your life. The feelings are going to be complicated and wrapped up in a lot of things you didn’t really think they would be.
Happened to me too. The first girl after my marriage ended was everything the ex was not, all the good things - or at least that’s what my heart was telling me. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen for anyone so heavily before. This same heart caused me to ignore all the warning signs that my brain was whispering to me. And when it ended horribly, it knocked me totally on my ass and took me a couple of years to get over, far worse than the divorce, which had been a relief.
But be patient: the good news is that after three years of singledom, occasional one-night stands and more than a few dating disasters, I finally met someone totally awesome. I think what made it work was that I considered her dispassionately at first: I was getting ready to swear off relationships, and at first I was vaguely interested in her rather than infatuated. A year and a half later we’re still stupid in love, and want to spend the future together.
Like breaking any addiction that’s bad for you, there are still days when I miss my ex wife a lot, and I know she goes through the same thing too, from time to time, but they are fewer and further between now.
After my last divorce, which followed a very long separation where I kept hoping for signs that we would reconcile, I waited until I was sure there were no residual feelings (bad or good), and I had talked it all out with friends and had gotten to the point where I never wanted to mention him again. Then I reluctantly went the internet dating route because I had no other means to meet a lot of people (had already looked around the classes/church etc route). I signed up for one month, went on several first dates, and a few second and third dates. None were what I wanted. BUT…I did get something from each encounter. I discovered several nice bars and restaurants which I later visited with friends, lots of new music and authors, some video series I’d never heard of, and good conversation about topics and interests that had been long forgotten. I dated one man for several months, then remained friends, took some time off to think things over, and after being off line for a year, signed up for one month only again. By that time, I wasn’t hoping so much for love but just some type of social life for awhile. I went on each date believing that I would learn something new, but probably not find ‘the one’. I was lucky to meet someone who had just gotten out of a 20+ year marriage (not his idea), completely lost and unsure of how to go about ‘dating’ (he’d always been shy). We are still happy and together 5 years later. So…it can happen. Good luck!
My marriage of 10 years ended with a separation in 2008 after a lengthy cold period where my wife and I live separately in the same house for over a year (I insisted she delay her departure until her son from a first marriage finished high school) and looked forward to life as a free man. I was left with the house (incredibly underwater in a falling housing market), a decent job and a sense of optimism.
A few months later I tested the waters with a new girlfriend, and life was an adventure. Then on what we jokingly called our ‘third date’ (really more than that) my new beau and I went to a medieval event (Dagohir’s Ragnarok) for a week of fun and beating others with foam swords. Three days in I snapped my left femur.
From that point on she stayed by my side, and I hers when she was in a bad car accident a month later. By December 2009 the inevitable happened and we married.
However in the fall of 2011 we were going our separate ways. I had lost the house I had worked hard to keep, and damage had been done to my relationships with my children.
Now I am separated again, starting over. I have lost almost everything I own. The past few years have been pretty bad.
But there is a bright future. You get one life, make it what you want. I have often said when faced with a tough situation, put it in perspective:
There are over 6 billion people on this Earth. On this Earth there are others who have had the same thing happen to them. Of those, some have done well, some have not. Your job is to figure out what people who succeeded did, and to follow their lead. You are not alone.
So it’s a good start to ask questions here on a message board, that’s a good thing. My advice - look forward and move on. Yes there is pain ahead. But it will go way, and you will have a life to live.
From my learning curve I suggest this. Don’t break your leg during a rebound relationship. That’s bad.
I do not think that means what you think it means.
Joking aside, I am sorry for the difficulties you’ve had, and I have to say I admire your attitude. It’s tough to find that strength when the universe has decided to kick you into a storm drain for fun. I didn’t. I wish you the best.
I have the good fortune to work in a job where I am exposed to bigger problems on a daily basis. I’m packing to go back to Charlottesville VA to cover a murder trial for the 3rd week.
Of my circle of friends, one friend is battling cancer, another has heart problems, another has quietly battled his demons for years, another struggles to balance his personal goals with family. I’m the two divorce loser of the group.
Your experience sounds a bit like mine (minus the dating). For the first several months, I felt relief to be out of a bad marriage. After that I realized how lonely I was. I went back to the Community Theater I had volunteered at, mostly to fill my time.
I managed to meet The Most Wonderful Woman in the World. We’re coming up on our eleventh wedding anniversary at the end of summer.
It sounds like bad rebounds are not at all unusual, particularly when they closely follow the divorce. Seems important for me to listen to that. Thank you.
Congratulations Maus Magill, and thank you
I got lucky and found someone within 2 months of leaving. Got married about 5 months after that. That was 3 years ago now and things are incredible. It can happen. But life’s like that. Some people win the lottery on their first ticket, others play their entire lives and get nothing. I really think all anyone can do is learn to get really in love with themselves and boot anyone who doesn’t dig them. I think part of what attracted/attracts my good wife was my absolute refusal to give up who I’d become. I know for a fact my first wife wasn’t turned on by the fact I’d sold myself out to my marriage–if that makes sense. It’s a cliche’, but you’ve got to fall in love with you before anyone else will.
Good luck with Bill 
