So my ex threatened suicide at me tonight

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

TL;DR I called the police, even though it was really hard. I don’t know if I even did the right thing. I still feel sick about the whole thing.

Long version:

My ex broke up with me a month ago. It’s a long story, but it came down to the fact that she wanted to make out with some 44 year old (she’s 22 I’m 23) she met at the Goodwill Job Center. She kept telling me, as she was breaking up with me, that she loved me and she has no self control and she’s sorry. She explicitly said the guy didn’t even like her that much, she didn’t like him and was just getting an urge, and that he was probably just going through a midlife crisis. Recipe for success right?

Well, predictably he dumped her after a week and a half, and she started regretting breaking up with me (I was her longest relationship at 2.5 years). I went to a wedding reception today and dropped some of her stuff off at her home on the way back (she lives an hour or so away from me and the wedding was on the way). She was crying and trying to get me to take her back to my apartment “just for tonight” (riiight). I just kept saying “sorry, no”. It really broke my heart, I still kind of love her, but I just refuse to get into a yo-yo relationship. I kept stoic and saying no.

Then it happened, she said that tomorrow is 44YO Guy’s birthday and she was planning on killing herself as a symbolic gesture and that if I didn’t take her down she was going to kill herself. I kept strong, and didn’t give into it. I know textbook emotional manipulation when I see it, it made me sick, but I kept strong. I eventually had to cut off the conversation and go down to my car. She called me again and we went through the same goddamned cycle for 30 minutes.

I kept telling her “I’m sorry, I have to call the police. You can’t come with me. I can’t do this.” Eventually I got her to agree, I wouldn’t call the police, but I’d call her back when I got home. She told me show knows how to get rid of the police (she did a suicide threat with her last two boyfriends, and both times she got the cops to go away without being taken in, but her BFs got back together with her for it. She also tried jumping out of my car twice when I tried to break up with her this summer). She pointed out that if she was in a psych ward she wouldn’t be able to work and wouldn’t be able to attend nursing classes, and I really didn’t want to ruin her future (even though she didn’t like her job OR school at all).

On the way home I called my mom, we had a ton of ideas. I was thinking of calling her mom, but didn’t have her phone number. And so on. Eventually we agreed on calling her old roommate (mutual friends), she called her. My ex said she wouldn’t talk to anyone but me. It was our agreement that she was probably bluffing, but me, roommate, and roommate’s boyfriend agreed to call the police just in case. We agreed that if she was going to do it she needed help, and if she was bluffing, she needed help regardless.

I realized that if I called her back when I got home we’d just go in circles for 3 hours and the phone call would end the same way it started, with me not sure if she was actually going to do it. So I called my mom, and we agreed to call the police as well. So I called the police, told them everything, including what she told me she’d say to get the police to go away. She was calling me every 10 minutes after I got home, now she stopped, so either she did it, gave up, or is in custody.

I feel really bad, I broke the last promise I ever made to her, that I wouldn’t call the cops. But I really can’t deal with it, and I really want her to get better, and I simply can’t help her myself, and I can’t let myself get manipulated.

I don’t hate her, I really don’t. I just feel really bad for her, Like I said, I just made the decision right when she broke up with me that I refuse to be in a yo-yo relationship, especially an emotionally manipulative one. But right now I’m exhausted, feel sick, and full of adrenaline. I’m also completely fucking terrified. I think I did the right thing, but I don’t know. Right now I’m so worried that they didn’t take her in and she’s laying there dead right now and I’m going to get a call tomorrow or Monday telling me. I don’t know, did I even do the right thing? What a fucking great graduation weekend.

2

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You absolutely did the right thing. In fact, all of your actions have been the right actions. Your ex has problems and needs to get professional help.

3

She wants to be a nurse?

4

Thank you.

I wouldn’t say wants to. Her dad is paying for tuition and her new step mom is a nurse, so she decided “why the hell not.” She doesn’t really like it, she frequently broke down crying about how much she hated it, but she literally has no motivations for the future. She’s, in a way, a bit of a contradiction, she can’t really make her own plans, for the future or otherwise, and yet she’s manipulative. I didn’t know that was possible. I think she’d instantly attach at the hip to any boy that promised her she could be a stay-at-home trophy wife with a maid (because she anti-cleans any place she stays at. I’m still doing damage control from when she lived with me for 6 months. I couldn’t stay at her apartment when we were together because its state of cleanliness made me incredibly depressed.).

Anyway, update: She kept calling me. I called Roommate, apparently she called her, and the police took her to the emergency room. She was calling me every 5 minutes, roommate said she “wanted to make sure I got home okay.” Right, I don’t really buy that (neither did Roommate, really). Despite my better judgment I texted her that I got home okay, but that I would absolutely NOT be returning any further calls or texts, and that I was glad she was getting help.

I turned off my phone, but I’m thinking of turning it back on just in case the police have to call me back for some reason.

5

Words fail me, except for what Alessan said. She doesn’t sound like someone who should be taking care of other people’s health. Is “being completely self-centered and thinking other people are made by Kleenex” in the Big Book of Psychiatric Diseases?

6

She sounds utterly useless.

7

If you give in to her, you’ll find that the threshold for her “killing herself or else” will go down over time.

So it will be “We’re watching Dancing with the Stars or I’ll kill myself”

Or you’ll say…

Do you want burgers or Chinese food?

and she’ll say…

It’s pizza or I’ll kill myself!

and you’ll say…

Thin crust?

and she’ll say

It’s deep dish or I’ll kill myself!

8

I had to call the cops for a guy I was casually dating once. They held him in a psych ward for the weekend. He was pissed. Looking back on it now, 24 years later, I have absolutely no regrets about it.

If I had done nothing and he had followed through, I would have felt guilty. And if he was just manipulating me, I bet he didn’t pull that shit on the next girl he dated. Win win, as they say.

9

I wish I had called the cops on someone pulling a manipulative suicide stunt on me once. He called me on the phone and when I wouldn’t give in to his demands (being with him, whatever) he fired a gun off into the phone, then dropped the handset. I hung up.

I didn’t call anyone because I was in an awkward place of having casually (and very briefly) dated the guy, who was doing contract work for my employer, before he came my legit stalker. His job was supposed to be done any time and he would be leaving the state, so I just kept riding it out but the job kept getting extended. Just two more weeks. By the time he’d left he’d poisoned my dog, slit my tires, busted my tail light and tapped my phone.

Next time (and fuck that if there’s a next time) I’m calling the police. You did the right thing Jragon.

10

You did right. You can’t surrender to manipulation. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s behaviour in a case like this, even though it sure feels like it. Promises of the sort you made not to call the police aren’t binding when mental health/suicide issues are at stake.

And congrats on graduating!

11

You certainly did do, and are doing, the right thing, Jragon. That it was hard to do, and still, you did it is a testament to your foresight and maturity. Keeping her out of your life is a great decision.

And BIG congrats on graduating - don’t let the fruit loop turkeys take that feeling of achievement away from you!

12

So, when did you meet my ex-boyfriend? I swear when I get even a whiff of manipulative behaviour off a guy, I think about him and run like hell.

Adding to the chorus of ‘you done good’.

13

You did the right thing certainly in calling the police. What you might think about now (and what we might all discuss) is how you (or any of us) can avoid getting into a situation like this in the future. Were there any early signs that she had mental problems? In fact, why did you get involved with her at all? Was this a case where the two of you instantly decided you were in love? Did you wait at all after meeting her before deciding to get involved with her?

14

Jragon, you did the right thing. Unless you personally are the one holding a gun to someone’s head, you are never responsible for another person’s actions. For me, threatening self-harm is the surest way to get me to drop a person out of my life like a hot potato and never look back. You did the best thing for both her and yourself. Now try to enjoy the rest of the weekend and block her number already so you can keep your phone on.

15

I knew her for 3 months before dating her. Before we got together I was aware of all the drama and problems she could cause. Because she told me herself. I took this as owning up to her flaws, but I think mostly it was just that she was the first girl that I actually somewhat liked to make a move on me and I’m shy.

I bear full responsibility for being in the relationship in the first place, and I really had very little reason to not see this (or at least, not see some sort of drama) coming*. Which isn’t to say she was the sole source of drama in the relationship, I’m certainly not perfect, but I really had little excuse to not predict it on her end other than a girl likes me <dating>.

  • Well, that’s not fair, for maybe a couple months out of the relationship I may have had the delusion that she would treat me better than her other boyfriends because she loves me. And by all accounts, she really DID treat me better (think about that for a moment). But after a few months, I probably could have predicted a lot of this if you pressed me. But, at the time I still liked her a lot. We’ve only really been running on inertia for a couple months, so I didn’t settle for two years or anything.

So I guess the advice is… don’t date a person who admits doing bad things to their SOs because they like you since you, as an SO, are definitely not immune to the same behavior no matter how much you think they like you?

I can go into a more long-winded version of the whole thing after I wake up. But for now that should suffice.

16

You absolutely did the right thing. Keep doing the right thing and do not contact her.

17

Congratulations on your strength of will, character and proper decision making.

You will make some sane person very happy some day.

You passed this test with flying colors.

18

You did everything right in this situation, and that’s pretty incredible since I think most people would have totally played into her attempts to be manipulative/destructive. Most people totally would have slept with her or tried to be her personal therapist to try to make sure she wouldn’t kill herself, both of which would have been terrible mistakes.
Calling the police was the smartest thing you could have done. If she was serious about wanting to kill herself, clearly she needs a psychiatric evaluation. If she was just bluffing to try to manipulate you, then being detained at the psych hospital will probably teach her not to try that again.
Don’t try to deal with someone’s psychiatric problems yourself. Let the professionals (cops and psychiatrists) deal with it. They’re trained to do it and they’re in a much better position to be objective about what the person needs.

19

Jragon, you were worried that you “broke the last promise you made to her” That promise ws made under duress, it had no binding on you. So don’t worry about it.

As others have said, you have done the right thing by not giving in to her. Even in pain, you did the right thing. My hat’s off to you, and here’s hoping she finally gets the help she needs.

I’m sorry to say I hope she doesn’t manage to become an RN. I’ve got a lot of them in the family, and it takes more strength of mind and character to be an RN than almost any other job I know about. Doesn’t sound like the ex has that.

20

You did the right thing, and I am so sorry you are going through with this.

She sounds like a piece of work all around. To my shame, I have been the source of some drama in breakups (not to that degree!), and I can understand how a breakup can unhinge a person. Know that this is not about you and has nothing to do with you. What she is experiencing is in her own head, and is related to her losing a bit of identity and not knowing how to heal from that. She’s not sure who she is right now, and she is casting about wildly for anything to hold on to, because she is scared of what she will have to do in terms of getting her head straight to move on from you.

The best thing you can do for her is be unambiguous in your response. As much as you would like, you just cannot be the one to help her through this. She will need to find someone else.