Father's Day for Shitty Dads

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A friend of mine put it well when she said, ‘‘Father’s Day is the Valentine’s Day of lonely little girls.’’ I do not discount the beautiful stories children have about their loving fathers, I’m just saying some of us have shitty fathers or don’t even know who our father’s are, so we get left out on this special holiday.

I don’t even really feel like going into the whole story. It’s enough to say my bio Dad was a major letdown. I didn’t even see him or speak to him between the ages of 13 and 23. After ten years of no contact, I returned to see he was the same deeply alcoholic, ambitionless person he has always been. Only worse, because both of my Aunts died in the process and his health has deteriorated. So when we go over to his house on the rare occasions we get back to Michigan, we watch Fox News, game shows and sports on his TiVo and he sits there and drinks. Or, if we’re lucky, we go to the bar, which is where he used to take me every day when I was a little kid. That’s basically all we ever do. It’s not very enjoyable but he acts so desperate to spend time with me now that I’m back in his life (I am now 30, so we’ve had this strange relationship about seven years now.) He tells me I’m his only reason for living. I basically just do it as a favor to him, because I think I could live the rest of my life without seeing him and not be terribly upset about it.

Anyway, I’ve never felt particularly bitter about it, just guilty that I don’t love him the way he wants me to love him. But the last time I went to see him, he started bitching about what a terrible mother he had and how horrible his childhood was. He had a horrible childhood so I’m not trying to downplay that. What bothered me is that he uses it as his excuse for why he drinks. He doesn’t want to deal with his feelings so he drinks. He refuses to even consider to stop drinking. Last year he thought he was going to get his driver’s license back after having it removed for DUI over 20 years ago, until he found out he had to have counseling first. He was actually angry with the system for trying to force him into counseling.

Anyway, as he used his bitterness and sadness as an excuse to drink, he was basically trying to imply that he’d done any better as a father. And he said, ‘‘Well I’ve always loved you,’’ and I said, ‘‘You loved your alcohol.’’ And he said, ‘‘I can love both you and alcohol.’’

Well, no. I mean, it was my childhood and it was a long time ago, but I went through so much fucked up shit at the hands of irresponsible or mentally ill adults. And if he’d been sober or even remotely willing to take responsibility for his life or his actions, a lot of that could have been avoided. And for the first time, possibly ever, I am feeling something other than guilt: anger. I took my shitty childhood and used it to make something out of myself. I never shrank away from my problems or my feelings or responsibility for my actions. I went to school and got a good job and forged a phenomenal marriage and someday I’m going to be an awesome parent. So I’m not going to sit there and listen to him tell me it’s because I just don’t understand everything he’s had to go through.

But I didn’t say anything that time. It was obvious he was hurting and that wouldn’t help anything, and then he would start trying to lay the guilt on thick, oh you don’t love me, I guess I’m a worthless piece of shit, he would say. And I’m going to say what? Because I’ve been telling myself for a long time that I love him, but I don’t even know if that’s true.

Anyway, I’m going home to Michigan in five days and we were originally planning on staying with him for a couple of days, but I’ve decided I don’t even want him to know I’m in town. I don’t really want to get into a conflict with him and I’m just too angry right now. But I resent that I’m basically going to have to choose, tomorrow, whether to give him a call when I really don’t feel like he deserves it, or invite a shitload of drama into my life when I tell him hey, this isn’t really working out. I’m really kind of stressing about it.

Anyway, this thread is for us to deposit our Father’s Day angst. Angst away.

2

Just before opening this thread I sent my father an email that acknowledges that tomorrow is Fathers’ Day, and that I hope he has a nice day. No card, no gift, no call.

Now, to be fair my father’s shittiness was simply absence. And he’s aware of it, and for that reason doesn’t feel entitled to have any expectations, which is good.

Tomorrow I will be sure and call the uncle who took up a lot of the slack when my dad disappeared. And my father-in-law whose shitty son will likely forget. And I’ll make sure my son calls his shitty dad.

Just because you mention that you intend to become a parent yourself some day - it was the birth of my son that made me seek out a relationship with my father after more than twenty years without contact. I couldn’t even tell you why exactly. It just felt important.

3

My father is a child sexual predator who made my life so much harder than it needed to be. He also lived a great life while my mom busted her ass and still took care of us without a dime from him. He’s a horrible person. He mooched off my brother until my very kind and patient brother couldn’t take it anymore and sent him packing (this was before he knew of the sex abuse). The last we heard he’d been arrested for pulling a scam on people, pretending he was a Vietnam veteran. He was never, ever in any branch of the military. He’s just an old lazy drunk who HOPEFULLY has grown too old to lust after little children. I fucking hate Father’s Day.

I am happy others have their special day and when my grandfather was alive he was my father figure. He was a Southern Archie Bunker, but he was a good man. He was my stand-in dad and I always honored him on that day. I miss him on that day now.

4

Also since we’re throwing out the angst, I’d like to bitch about the father of my little girl, who got himself deported for being an idiot so now she’s always sad on Father’s Day. And the only thing that will brighten her day is me going out and buying a phone card to call Mexico so she can talk to her daddy. The rage I feel for him now has not simmered much over the past two years so trying to be friendly with him just makes my Father’s Day just a little bit crappier.

5

My father wasn’t as bad as some, but he was a borderline personality religious fanatic who didn’t respect anyone but himself (and especially not women, but that’s another story). I tried to maintain a relationship with him, and managed until about a year before his death, and I always wished him a Happy Fathers’ Day… But the man I really honor on Fathers’ Day is my uncle (mom’s brother, not dad’s), who was always there for us growing up.

6

I was wondering recently how things were going for you and your little girl; I didn’t realize he was never coming back. I’m sorry for the frustration, it must feel like it never ends.
My dad got a card and surely expects a call b/c he believes he was a much better dad to us than the dad he had; he’s wrong. He may have beat us less than he was beaten but ‘raised by a drunk asshole’ is ‘raised by a drunk asshole’ no matter which way they choose to hurt their children.

7

And I think some of us are fortunate enough to have someone we can say that about. I always call my Grandpa on father’s day. He wasn’t a Gold Star parent to his own children, but he is a gold star grandfather and probably the closest thing I have to a real father figure.

8

That is all so horrible for olivesmarch4th, gwendee, Rushgeekgirl, Chronos, Nawth Chucka – for everybody who had a crummy dad, for everybody who is scarred and trying to make the best of it.

Nobody is entitled to your love, not without having earned it somehow.

It isn’t right that there is a day automatically honoring fathers. Not when you consider how bad some fathers are. Being a father is so easy that some people never find out they’ve been doing it, because just “a father” doesn’t mean much. Really good fathers, or fathers who were really good in some particular way, are different things.

Everybody deserves a decent father. It is completely vile that so many don’t get one. I am so terribly sorry about everybody that got short changed when it comes to fathers and families in general.

9

Olives, I felt angry for a good long time about both my parents shortcomings. Like you, I built a good life for myself with an amazing partner. I am now a parent and I have broken the cycle of abuse.

I walked away from my parents completely. At the worst times, I remind myself that if they ever had a moment of healthy emotional clarity (not that they probably ever have), they would agree that I did the right thing.

The other day I watched a video of Patrick Stewart where he talks about the fundraising he does in his mother’s name for Refuge (a charity that provides safe houses for women & children) because of his childhood, his abusive father. Then he goes on to say that he also equally fundraises for Combat Stress in his father’s name because he realizes now that he had PTSD and it simply wasn’t treated then the way it is now.

I guess it was time for me, but it really took the wind out of my sails w.r.t. anger. My parents didn’t grow up in the time I did. Therapy was not common, decent antidepressants were not available. If my parents had had the resources I did, plus the stubborn, creative personality I have, I’m sure they would have broken the cycle like I did.

So now my angst is mostly sadness. Sadness at what I didn’t have then, what I don’t have now, and sadness that no matter how hard I work to heal there are still effects. Child abuse changes the brain and it changes the body.

The video is here - YouTube Maybe we can all adopt Patrick Stewart as our honorary Dad for Father’s Day.

10

I was raised by my grandparents. My mother left me with them “for a few days” when I was 8 days old. I didn’t see her again until I was 15. I got the occasional birthday gift.

The man who donated the sperm for my existence is still, and forever will be, a mystery. When I was 15, I asked her who he might be and she slapped me.

My grandfather was “Daddy.” My grandmother hated me, because she had already raised 6 children. I turned out ok, but, I miss my “Daddy” and my father on Father’s Day.

I send my Father-in-law flowers.

11

I can relate to a lot of these posts.
My father died almost exactly two years ago. He was in the ICU this time then.

I don’t want to use the word “shitty” but he had an unfortunate life. He caused me, my mom, and my sister a lot of pain. He was also an alcoholic. One of the last conversations we had was him telling me I didn’t care about him so don’t bother coming to the hospital.

I did/do care . . . this affects me deeply and Father’s Day makes it worse.

12

Good title, but man, that OP was looooong…

13

Yeah, let’s bitch about fathers on Father’s Day.

Why, that’s not tacky at all. :rolleyes:

14

Sharing helps Shakes. I’m glad for you that you don’t feel the need to.

15

Indeed. But does it have to be on Father’s Day though?

16

I am expecting, and so for the very first time in my life, I am celebrating Father’s Day. It’s an odd and complex feeling to have such a previously irrelevant day suddenly seem so important.

But it also makes me sad, to realize how much I missed out on. My baby will have a loving, engaged, responsible father, and that will be a great asset to her life. She won’t know the poverty of a single parent, the emotional toll of an unpredictable parent, or the loneliness of a latchkey kid, and that is a beautiful gift. I never fully realized how much better it is to have a good father.

Anyway, this day is a painful time for a lot of people who have had to deal from a young age with the emotional complexity of what happens when what should be on of the most important people in your life drops the ball.

17

And why not on Father’s Day?

You truly don’t know the pain of having an absent or abusive parent unless you have had one. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are a day of celebration for many, but for others, it just reminds them of what they have never had.

Do you seriously think fathers who have sometimes raped, abused, or left their families really need to be respected on Father’s Day?

:rolleyes:

18

The thread title was clear; there is no set word count for an OP.

If either is not to your liking, don’t participate in the thread.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

19

Father’s Day is a day when those of us without decent fathers watch the whole world celebrate what we don’t have. Honestly, it doesn’t usually bother me. But this year it does, and I’m going to post about it, because I know I’m not even close to the only person sitting here today thinking, ‘‘yeah, that sucks.’’

20

Oh, I forgot to post what I originally came in here to post - I’m not calling him today. Not trying to cause trouble but I really don’t feel like talking and I am one of those people who has a really hard time hiding my emotions. I may not choose to walk out of his life forever or anything, but I’m going to try not to worry so much about his feelings at the expense of my own.

My Mom was married four times, and every time I held out hope that this time, I was really going to have a Dad. But each and every one of them fucked it up by being abusive shitheads. And today, I am not okay with that.