A week or two I posted a hypo about a magical cure for unrequited love. I’m not gonna link to that thread because I’m too lazy to search for it, and anyway most of it’s irrelevant. What is relevant is remarks made by a few posters who averred that the undesired lover was behaving badly–maybe even unethically–by distancing himself from the friend he was in love with.
I couldn’t follow the logic here. It’s one thing for the undesired lover to pretend to not have feelings for the other person, in the hopes of changing the beloved’s mind by being charming or friendly or nice, but removing yourself from the situation is another thing. That’s just emotional self-defense, it seems to me.
But I could be wrong. Dopers, what’s the best way to handle falling in love with a friend whom you know will never love you back the same way? For that matter, what’s the best way to treat a friend who loves you in a way you can’t return?
What’s the point of love that that is inauthentic ? Induced by any means, you have merely a puppet, whose feelings have been twisted by you for your own selfish, fruitless pleasure.
On receiving ones congé, either explicit or implicit, one should separate both for her happiness and your own.
Keep it to yourself. Don’t bug him/her. Don’t drop little coy hints. Don’t make googly eyes. Pretend, while your heart is breaking…but mind your own goddam business.
Don’t trespass. That turns into stalking, and damn quick. Whatever else the hell you do, don’t get creepy about it.
And if you can’t cope with those rules, get the hell out of the way. Leave him/her alone. No visits. No lunches. No fucking Christmas Cards.
Either behave as a good friend – a true friend, considerate of his/her comfort – or just go away.
A great many of us have been in love with someone who doesn’t share the feelings. Many of us have gone to the wedding of someone we love…watching them married to some other person. It hurts… But too bad! Real love is selfless. Real love means putting the other’s joy ahead of your own.
Failing in this makes it a greedy, egotistical, selfish kind of love – and that isn’t truly “love” at all.
I think what **Claverhouse **is talking about is that when your beloved “dismisses” you (conge is French for dismissal or giving leave to depart), then you should do that, for your sake and the sake of your beloved. Any attempt to woo them into loving you – being charming, etc. – in hopes of winning them are more like manipulation and the feelings they might generate in your beloved would not be, according to Claverhouse, genuine and authentic.
From my point of view, if the object of my affection makes it clear that there is no hope of a “we,” sensible self-defense calls for me to distance myself from them as much as the situation allows. If I can’t spend time with someone without it causing them or me pain, why would I? I’ve suffered enough already in my life; I don’t need to do it some more. And, if I genuinely love the other person, why do I want to make them uncomfortable or unhappy?
Personally, one of the most off-putting traits I see in people is codependency, like hanging on to a relationship that isn’t working the way you want it to in the hope that, if you whine or cajole or wheedle or sigh enough, the other person will feel differently/behave better toward you.
No one guaranteed that your every wish and dream, especially romantic ones, will come true. Like **Trinopus **says, we’ve all been in love with someone who didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, love us back. That’s life. Put your chin up and move on.
Trinopus’ excellent post summarizes the position when one is positive the other person does not share your feelings. Unfortunately, that certainty is not always there, and hopefulness can trump common sense sometimes when one has to figure out what another person really feels.
Assume for the sake of argument that the other party is generally available (unattached, of the correct sex and orientation for you). Assume you have let the other person know that you are interested. Finally, assume that the response is equivocal or ambiguous. You have to figure out when to stop trying, and that’s the really hard part. Stopping is not really the hard part, figuring out when is the hard part.
But if I knew my advances were unwelcome, I can’t see anyone objecting to my removing myself from the scene. I’m not punishing them for rejecting me, in fact I would think it would be easier for them not to have me around*; it’s certainly easier for me.
*If I found that the other person still wanted me around because it made him feel good to have a rejected suitor, that would probably be enough to make me fall out of love anyway.
I can see their being an ethical conflict if you are vital part of someone’s support system. Like, you fall in love with a good friend while they are going through a nasty divorce. They don’t return the feeling. It kills you to be with them, and for your own emotional health, you’d prefer to distance yourself, but this is a time and a place where they really could use affection and support. Backing away from them would leave them feeling abandoned at the worst possible time. How can you treat someone you claim to love like that? On the other hand, how can you live with a constantly breaking heart?
I think the usual answer, and probably the best, is you muddle through and make imperfect compromises between your own mental health and your desire/obligation to support the one you love. And in time you either fall out of love, or slowly disappear.
This is important - because it’s easy to imagine, in that situation, that your love for the person will last for all eternity, when in practice, it probably won’t - because that doesn’t even always happen when both parties notionally want it to.
If your emotions aren’t working for your best interests, you need to shut them up or at least put them in their place. You don’t have to listen to everything they say, especially when the seat of those emotions is somewhere in your nether regions. Good advice rarely comes from that area. Don’t ruin the friendship, and make sure that the big head remains in charge, and not the little one.
And, yes, holy cow, how I wish that I could jump in a time machine and give my 20 year old self that advice. It seems so simple now.
I’ve been in both the situation of being the “lover,” and being the “loved,” in different unrequited situations (I hope I explained that clearly.)
I think Trinopus has it right. I know I felt damn uncomfortable when a good friend of mine, who I thought of as “only” a good friend but who had romantic feelings towards me, stated doing romantic things to me. I tried to remain friends with him but it ultimately drove us farther apart.
Here’s how I do it: I care about them more than I love them. They give me so much good in my life that it’d frankly be a lot worse to lose them than know that they’ll never love me the way I love them. I don’t know I ever really had a shot anyway, so why keep up hope for something that’ll never happen?
Besides, they’ll be the closest amongst my friends to get married, and I’ve never been to a non relative wedding before.
Personally? If they’re actually a dear friend? I’ll get the fuck over myself, and look for someone else to fall in love with, while still retaining their friendship. Falling in love is the best cure for being in love, IMHO. Scratch that - In My Humble Experience. I have several friends I used to be a lot in love with. Now I’m in love with my wife. But they’re still my good friends, and if I love them a little still, so what? I love my wife sooo much more.
This only doesn’t work if you believe in that one-true-love-bolt-from-the-blue crap, which I totally don’t. You have to actively (even if subconsciously) open yourself to falling in love with someone new. You can be in romantic love with more than one person at the same time. And you can have any variable amount of romantic love for different people. You can be friends with people independent of romantic feelings. Put all that together, and yeah, “get the fuck over yourself” is always going to be my advice.
I’m not saying it’s unethical to distance yourself from unrequited love. I’m saying it’s immature and pathetic. Toddlers let themselves get totally dominated by their emotions. I’m not saying be Vulcan about it :dubious: , I’m saying everything goes better when your rational and emotional halves work together.
Correct…while Hollywood may glorify this scenario, in real life it plain old sucks. I’ve been on both ends, and was miserable both ways .
Ultimately I had to completely sever ties with both of them…and forcibly refrain from Facebook stalking, google searches,whatever …
While we Are on topic, does anyone feel that platonic friendship between two emotionally available individuals ( heterosexual or homosexually, as in my case) works out? At least for me, I always seem to cross the line
I don’t get the talk about ignoring emotions. Shutting out your emotions is how you withdraw from a friendship. How can you stay close friends with someone if you can’t stay emotionally connected to them?
Friendship is not a service. It’s mutually beneficial. If one side is getting primarily hurt by it, what you are in is not a friendship.
Distancing yourself may be the only way to stay friends.
