Let’s face it, our current social and governmental systems just don’t cut it anymore.
The U.N. is a joke of diplomatic analysis paralysis. The world is in turmoil. There is no thoughtful guiding force. Social inequality is rampant. Things are falling apart. The center cannot. There is an ever widening gyre and the falconer is picking his nose. Beasts are slouching around everywhere, and nobody’s doing anything about it.
Fortunately, I have some management experience and happen to be available.
I have turned the world over in my palm like a marble with pretty veining. Up until now I’ver followed a strict policy of non interference in global affairs, but as I again consider the flawed gem of human affairs, I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I was being selfish.
It seems inescapable that the world would be a far far better place if I were supreme despot (although vegetarians might have it rough at first.) It seems my resposnibility… nay, my destiny to seize power for the greater good. They say absolute power corrupts absolutely, but I’m prepared to take that risk.
Once I’ve subdued the world, I will rule fairly, but with an iron fist.
Once that happens, I will of course be very busy. I probably won’t be able to talk to you any more. So, here’s your chance for input. Ask me anything or make a suggestion while I’m still in the early planning stages of this thing.
The hand of vengeance found the bed,
To where the purple tyrant fled,
The iron hand crush’h the tyrant’s head,
And became a tyrant in his stead. - William Blake, The Grey Monk
ummm, I hesitate to ask this lest I give you ideas, but you’re not gonna institute any kind of dress code, are you? Not that I ever suspected you’d want legions of women in French maid outfits going about their daily routines…
Oh, never mind. Forget I brought it up…
No. You can’t have a job. And, I’ll be keeping an all-seeing eye on you as well.
beagledave:
Granting personal favors would be beneath it.
FairyChatMom:
Certain government employees and functionaries will be uniformed, as well as the armed forces. The general populace will be free to whatever fashions I find pleasing.
Can I be the High Commander of your Legion of Doom[sup]tm[/sup]? I mean, Hell, every self-respecting despot needs a flunky to take the fall for him, and I’ve always wanted to command a Legion of Doom[sup]tm[/sup].
So whaddya say? As a bonus, I’ll develop a super-mega-weapon-of-ultimate-destruct for you to use.
Can you make it a felony to put out things like garbage cans way early, so that if it rains the things get half-full of water, making it next-to-impossible for garbage collectors to even lift the things?
And make it so town residents don’t complain when the 70-lb bags of wet, stinky grass-and-thorns they put up doesn’t get picked up because it’s 30 lbs over the legal limit?
And make it illegal for town residents to step in wet cement when the people who laid it have gone back to the shop after laying 5 yards of concrete in 90-degree weather on a code-red air quality day? Possibly punishable by castration by goat?
Oh, and any musical act calling itself a “band” must use instruments. As in, the people purporting to be the band must use the instruments, not back-up people who can’t be seen.
And I want to claim amnesty for all vegetarians right off the bat, you evil one:)
I am only doing this for the greater good of mankind, not for personal aggrandizement. I intend to be a benevolent supreme leader. I will not have a Legion of Doom, and if I do, I certainly won’t call it that.
Once I’ve seized total power, why will I need an ultimate destruct mega weapon?
Great, glad to hear someone around here is taking charge. BTW, once you are in power how about putting me in charge of measuring all the females for their new french maid outfits? You can trust me, my hands don’t wander [sub]much[/sub].
Oh Scylla, do not get yourself all upset about Jester. It’s normal for your minions to get things somewhat wrong.
Now come here, and I’ll give you back-rub while you figure out how to implement your world-takeover plan. Not that you don’t already know, of course, seeing as you’re perfect.
I will need… many
consorts to alleviate the stress and responsibilities of my position.
Iampunha:
I have invented a wondrous device that will solve this problem. I call it a “lid.” This wondrous device will fit on top of the can preventing fluids from entering it, and will be mandated on all garbage cans subject to fine.
No. They will get picked up anyway. Those that habitually exceed weight limits on garbage bags will be subject to fine, but we will not punish the neighborhood with unsightly garbage because of one citizen’s folly.
Vandalism will be illegal of course.
You fool. If we had done that we never would have had The Monkees.
Didn’t I say I was going to be benevolent? I’ll be doing this for your own good. No amnesty will be needed. Vegetarianism is not a crime. I will be compassionate and sympathetic in all things. Vegetarians will not be harmed in any way. They will not be imprisoned or coerced, or anything like that. They will be benevolently brainwa… er… reeducated for their own good.
I wouldn’t try it, or I’ll have to send out one of my Happy Fun Squads to track you down for your own good. You might hurt yourself or someone around you.
You know, it’s rare to see a despot who’s willing not only to admit that his thing isn’t big enough to justify a consort, but to provide her with bigger ones simply out of a sense of propriety. You’re a brave guy, Scylla.
–excuse me for a second, folks… it seems there are some jack-booted thugs pounding on my door. I’ll be right back.
Elly