I’m into mental sado-masochism and am very offended by your lack of offending me.
I’m also sarcasm-impaired.
Too bad. You’re smart, witty, and cute to boot! Take that!
So you’re in the same boat as bjOrn are you? I’m so sorry. Does your family know? I think Green Bean has a school that you can attend to try to help you with the, uh, situation.
(Note to self, don’t say impairment. And smile. A lot.)
When you know that your time is close at hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Life down here is just a strange illusion
You deleted it???
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Well, I would like to apologize for having apolgized in the past to people I was worried I had offended (or whom I knew I had offended). I realize now that my attempting to short-circuit their righteous indignation, justified or not, was selfish of me and done for my own purposes, and so I apologize for it.
Jodi
Fiat Justitia
I would like to apologize for my last post, in which I apologized for apologizing. I realize now that it made it appear as if my earlier apologies were not genuine, which of course they were, if selfishly motivated. My apologies.
Jodi
Fiat Justitia
Oh, crap! That was you?
I figured anything called “Hot Ass-Smackin’ Love” had to be spam.
Sorry.
Oh, and when I say “sorry”, I truly, truly, truly mean it, and not in the sense that I’m just saying sorry to be polite, but in the sense that I really, really, really, truly, am very, very, very sorry.
The BBC would like to apologise for the rude and crude offensive language spoken in the previous announcement. The three pieces of vocabulary were uncalled for, and the wanker who wrote that announcement has been sacked.
The BBC would like to apologize for the use of the word “wanker” in the previous announcement. The BBC holds no knowledge of the previous announcer’s relations with his hand, and would also like to point out that not every BBC announcer wanks on a regular basis.
The BBC would like to apologize for the crude definitions and word usage announced previously, and would like to apologize to any wankers in the viewing audience that took offense.
The BBC would like to apologize to our viewing audience. The previous announcement did not imply that our core audience is of a wanking society, or that the program that we are blatantly interrupting is targeted for a wanker-filled audience.
The BBC would like to apologize for the superfluous use of the word “wanker.” The writers of the four previous announcements have been sacked.
And for the constant repetition, too.
Thank you, Bean and Flyhalf. Should I be alarmed that I’m starting to feel the slightest bit comfortable in the Pit?
Shit.
I hearby apologize to those who live for the Pit for insinuating that there is something wrong with the Pit.
Damn.
I hearby apologize to those who don’t live for the Pit and who, by hearing my apology, might think that I hold the Pit denizens in higher regard than the rest of you.
Ah, fuck it. I’m getting too old for this PC shit.
How dare you mention my user name without my express permission? I am offended, and demand an immediate apology.
Oh, and I apologize in advance to anyone who is offended by my offendedness.
<sarcasm ON>
CK, you offended me and all of womankind (or is that womynkind) to the deepest degree by not acknowledging we are intelligent enough to KNOW you are a sexist pig who opens doors for women when they can do it themselves. You didn’t have to post it. How DARE you assume we didn’t KNOW?
Bastard.
I hope your significant other slices off your family jewels (if she/he can find 'em) and feeds 'em to the neighbour’s cat.
Yeah.
</Sarcasm OFF>
Ok, that felt better. CK, can you become my own personal punching baaaaaaag? PLEASE? Pwetty pwease with a cherry on top? 
I think I need a vacation. I’ve been drawing stickman versions of my employees and running 'em over with my car.
Elenfair
“Black holes were created when God divided by 0” ~Wally
With less than a half dozen total postings, I want to say I am offended by how NOT offened I am. Since everyone else seems to pissed off, I must be missing the whole point and hereby promise to try to be offended much more easily in the future.
jodih, your last apology offended me deeply.
I demand an apology!
Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Dragonlady, welcome! You came in just at the tail end of this particular SDMB train wreck, but don’t worry, another one will be along in a couple of days.
I’m sorry you don’t feel offended yet. I want you to feel at home here, so I will advise you on the best way to achieve this desirable result.
Newbie Pit Hint #11: to achieve maximum flame return for your post investment, walk into, say, either “Fast Food Clerks”, “Old Glory”, or “Are Black Women Looking Better?”, and say something wide-eyed like, “Gee, I don’t know what you guys are so upset about!” and then try to reason with one or more of them, you know, be a “peacemaker”. This should guarantee at least two return posts concerning themselves in a most obscene way with your character, ancestry, etc.
THEN I am sure you will be most satisfactorily offended, and hopefully you will begin to feel more comfortable with the SDMB.
Then, of course, you’ll have a chance to start your own Pit Thread–you can have your choice of a “Whining” Thread or a “Fuck You” Thread.
I personally would advise a “Fuck You” thread for a first-timer. They require less mental effort, and I think are overall more stimulating, both for you and for the rest of us.
Oh, and be aware that it is quite rare for apologies to take place in the Pit, let alone for someone to start an “Apology” thread. Don’t embarrass yourself like that. Actually, I can’t remember the last time someone did that. It couldn’t have been during the Reagan administration, because the board wasn’t here then…
Oh, well, good luck, and again, welcome!
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!” - the White Queen
Actually dragonlady, if you wish to remain a lady on the board and have no desire to stoop to the level of the f*** you verbage, there are many other words that serve the same purpose. Or just a haughty attitude will work also. Then again, I’ve never been flamed in the pit before (is that good?) so I’m not sure that I would be able to keep myself in control if that should happen to be the case.
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Noththemama & Dragonlady:
There is a much easier way to be offended…got to any post where Mr. Zambezi or Califbloomer is and disagree with them in a polite manner. That oughta do the trick…
As for the rest of this thread…FUCK EVERYBODY…
please don’t give me a first warning…I am not insinuating that anyone has sexual relations with other people…no really, I swear
Rather, I was in the position of a spore which, having finally accepted its destiny as a fungus, still wonders if it might produce penicillin.
–Ayi Kwei Armah
SINsApple, are you implying that none of us engage in sex with others?
I demand an apology!
What a sorry bunch you all are! 
I’ve been here for quite a while, and I’ve tried really, really hard not to offend anyone. I stay out of the fights. I don’t flame. I just try to be nice.
And for that, I’m sorry.
I’m terribly sorry I haven’t offended anyone. My sincerest apologies to everyone I have not called a “fucking loser” or a “yak-felching-knuckle-dragging-son-of-an-unmarried-whoremonger.”
I hope all of you will accept my apologies, and know that they truly do come from the bottom of my heart.
Buttheads.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)