A compliment coming from you is as good as an insult. Now umm…errr…ohhh yeeeahhh…Gotta clean the keyboard.
Damn psychic orgasms 
I hereby and forthwith apoligise to all sentient life forms who currently exist, have ever existed or will ever exist. Said life forms include, but are not limited to, Homo Sapiens, Homo Erectus, Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, Klingon, Romulan, Borg, Vulcan, Cardassian, Bolian, Ferengi, Martian, Venetian, Narth, Psychlo, and all other races, both aligned and non-aligned. I offer this apology on behalf of myself, my family, my ancestors, my progeny and the guy I sat next to on the bus last week. Said apology is for all words, deeds, actions, insinuations, thoughts and miscellanious stuff that any other being found offensive, rude, condescending, ignorant or out of line in any way. I am sorry you didn’t get a pony when you were little, that your husband/wife/SO dosen’t understand you, that your car dosen’t get better gas milage and for any and all behaviors, real or imagined, that have caused anyone pain or joy. I offer this apology freely and with full recognition and acceptance of my responsibility for every single thing that has gone wrong since the Big Bang, and an earnest promise to do better. I’m sorry.
Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it.
Well, I for one am mortally offended. What’s more, I’m not gonna TELL you why I’m offended–neener, neener, neener-- because if you collectively had the sensitivity of a toilet seat (thanks, JD Salinger!) you’d KNOW which of your crass, offensive and personally demeaning statements have caused me such pain.
[…sounds like…4 syllables…]
Of course I’ve informed my legal counsel of the trauma you’ve caused–though at $125 per billable hour, I talked fast. You will have to pay the attorney’s fees even though you’ll be unemployed after I send a DETAILED email to your boss, outlining what a sociopathic predator you are.
Apologies not accepted; we’re talking TRAUMA here. My teeth itch, my hair hurts and then there’s aliention of affection… my love life is the pits AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
So there.
(Can we ressurect the Guy Thread? Oddly enough, it was kinder, more honest and a helluva lot more fun.)
Veb
So you think apologizing to “bigots, Holocaust-deniers, and racist scum” is enough, do you? Well, let me tell you something, Mr C.K. Dexter Haven, until you apologize to George Kittredge for stealing his fiancee Tracy Lord, not to mention the way you treated that nice Mr. Connor, your contrition means nothing.
Green Bean, I deeply apologize. I am sorry to have ever even considered using your name without your express written consent. I swear on my dead baby kittens grave, that I will never do it again.
May I offer up my first born son (who, I apologize, doesn’t exist yet) to you as a peace offering?
Notthemama, I am offended by your not offering ME any “Newbie Pit Hints”.
I demand $1 as compensation for pain and suffering.
When you know that your time is close at hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Life down here is just a strange illusion
christi. Let me be the first to flame your truckload rearend call 1-800-I-drive-safe self. You mean to tell me you have been here since April and have yet to have an unkind thing said to you? What kind of a sucky life do you have going anyway? No snotty-nosed littly christi wannabees? or nothing? Geesh, I demand an apology from you for just making me take my useful time to even read your crummy posts.
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
WierdDave, I would have accepted your apology had it read “since ADAM AND EVE”, but now I’m deeply offended at your paganistic, atheistic assumptions, and demand a retraction!!!
I must apologize to those I haven’t offended. I’m really sorry.
<< Well, let me tell you something, Mr C.K. Dexter Haven, until you apologize to George Kittredge for stealing his fiancee Tracy Lord, not to mention the way you treated that nice Mr. Connor, your contrition means nothing. >>
You can read all about it in SPY magazine.
SLYTHE, I do apologize. But I must confess I am offended by your taking offense at such an innocuous post. I await your apology.
I believe it’s fifteen-love.
Jodi
Fiat Justitia
Ultress:
Sorry, you time-wasting, named-after-a-hair-coloring-so-your-hair-color-must-not-be-yours, crummy-post-reading, spelled-my-name-wrong-even-though-it’s-right-in-front-of-you wench, you!
Hey! This apology stuff is fun!
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)
jodih, I’ll apologize for over-reacting to your innocuous post, after you apologize for making an innocuous post in the BBQ Pit!
Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
I’d like to apologize for breathing - I’m sure I’ve offended many people by continuing to do so.
All offendees may take comfort in the fact that eventually I’ll stop.
You’ve got a point there, brother - and one of these days I’m going to figure out what it is. - Cecil Adams
SLYTHE – Okay, I apologize. In the spirit of the Pit, I would even refer to you as a hermaphroditic serial squirrel molester, but then I’d have to apologize.
I – I’m really feeling the love in this room.
Can I get a hug?
Jodi
Fiat Justitia
Inappropriate touching!
I’m sueing!
BTW, the squirrel consented.
Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Cristi never even realized I spelled your name wrong. Twenty-five points to you for being the first person to ever recognize where my name came from.
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Jeez, I’m sorry too and this is my first post!
ahem
Milady, a gentleman always assumes that the hair color is natural. If it is different the next day, we assume it to be an act of Ghod and treat it as a miracle to view in wonder.
Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Very charming, slythe. But I still got the 25 points. Heh.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)
CK,
I am offended by your apology.
As a prolific poster who sincerely thinks my wit don’t stink and thus has the right to flout board rules and incessantly whine when I’m reigned in by the administrators, I believe your apology does not go far enough in assuaging my jovian* ego.
Unless I’m declared a divine entity of this MB and am given a promise that all future administrative decision are decided in my favor, I shall threaten to leave all the while getting in vindictive digs against you and all the administration by butting my nose into every dispute that every nimrod has with you.
Peace.
*IOW, it’s a gas giant.