I love this one. Everyone says they hate it but they end up repeating to to others anyways…go figure…
Two potatoes are walking down the street. How can you tell which one is the female potato?
The female potato is wearing a t-shirt that says “Idaho”.
this duck walks into a pharmacy. he grabs a stick of chapstick and takes it up to the counter. the guy behind the counter says, ‘that’s $1.39.’
and the duck says, ‘can you put it on my bill?’
that joke’s been slaying me for over 20 years.
A 32-year-old Haitian male walks into a bar.
He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, “My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can shit into a shotglass ten feet away.”
The bartender says, “Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?”
The Haitian says “Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it’s an ordinary duck.”
“You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork.”
“Of course.”
The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, “Either you’re the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you’re suffering from cerebral hemorrhage.”
The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, “I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to shit all over your bar and you’d laugh about it.”
The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of
A. Ceftriaxone
B. Erythromycin
C. Methicillin
D. Tetracycline
E. VancomycinQ. Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
A. Right where you left it.
God that kills me.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bar tender?”
Ha ha ha! He he! I love it!
(Get it? Bartender… bar tender…termites eat wood…)
This ones the best to tell out loud for the complete confusion it causes as people try to figure out how that’s a joke at all.
Two proper southern ladies are sitting on a porch talking.
Betty Jane says, “Oh, May Anne, my husband is just the nicest man. He just bought me brand new car!”
And Mary Anne says, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
So Betty Jane says, “Oh, Mary Anne, my husband is just so nice, he bought me set of china dishes for our anniversary!”
And Mary Anne says, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
Betty Jane says, “Now, I just know your husband must be just as nice- what has he done for you?”
And Mary Anne says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school, and that’s how I can say ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of ‘Fuck you’.”
Sorta pointless, I know, but it’s one of my favorites. I also have some incredibly dark-humored, utterly offensive jokes that I love, but I won’t post them for fear of offending someone.
Two proper southern ladies are sitting on a porch talking.
Betty Jane says, “Oh, May Anne, my husband is just the nicest man. He just bought me brand new car!”
And Mary Anne says, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
So Betty Jane says, “Oh, Mary Anne, my husband is just so nice, he bought me set of china dishes for our anniversary!”
And Mary Anne says, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
Betty Jane says, “Now, I just know your husband must be just as nice- what has he done for you?”
And Mary Anne says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school, and that’s how I can say ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of ‘Fuck you’.”
Sorta pointless, I know, but it’s one of my favorites. I also have some incredibly dark-humored, utterly offensive jokes that I love, but I won’t post them for fear of offending someone. Well, okay, just this one, but:
WARNING: INTENSELY OFFENSIVE JOKE TO FOLLOW
Please skip the rest of this post if you are easily offended or dislike dark/sick humor. NOTE: I DO NOT support the mentioned activities, nor do I mean to offend anyone by this joke; I just laugh at it because I’m a sick, sick bastard. No offense is intended by this telling; please don’t flame the messenger.
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A pedophile and a little boy are driving in a pick-up truck one night. They pull over next to some deep woods and start walking back into the trees.
The little boy says, “It’s so dark and creepy in these woods. I’m really scared!”
And the pedophile says, “YOU’RE scared!? I have to walk back to the truck all by myself!”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
A tourist walking through Italy comes across a man sitting on a wall not looking very happy.
Tourist - Excuse me but why do you look so glum this is a beautiful part of the world and the weather is fantastic why look so glum?
Luigi - Do you see this wall I’m sitting on? I built this wall with my own bare hands. 2 weeks it took me but do they call me Luigi the wall builder? NO
Luigi - Do you see that path going up that hill? I laid that path with my own bare hands. 2 weeks it took me but do they call me Luigi the path layer? NO
Luigi - That house at the top of the hill. I built that with my own bare hands. 1 year it took me but do they call me Luigi the house builder? NO
Luigi - I SHAG ONE SHEEP !!!
Two nuns in a bath.
One says “Where’s the soap…?”
The other says… “Doesn’t it?”
A priest and a rabbi are talking. The priest asks the rabbi “Now, I know you’re not suppose to eat pork. But tell the truth…have you ever been tempted, just once.”
The rabbi says “Yes, I must confuse. Once I did try pork. But you’re not suppose to have sex. Have you ever been tempted?”
Priest says “Yes, I must confess. Once, I did have sex.”
Rabbi says “Helluva lot better than pork, isn’t it?”
I love this joke; people who love me put up with it.
Rene Descartes, after a hard day mathematizing, decides to do a little philosophizing. He goes to a bar, has a few drinks. The bartender notices he’s empty, and says “Hey, Rene, ready for another?”
Descartes, looks at his glass, considers, and says, “I think not.”
And disappears.
Favorite jokes probably reveal the personalities of the tellers so much they could be used instead of x-rays at airports. This is my favorite joke but I’ve never known why. (It was told by a stand up comedian whose name I never knew).
Frank Sinatra saved my life in Las Vegas last night. Three goons were beating me to pulp and Frank said “that’s enough boys”.
What’s green and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
a pool table
An old air force retiree was relating the story to his grandson about the first time he was called on to jump out of an aircraft during training. All the other troops had jumped, and he was the last one left, but unwilling to take the plunge. “Son” his C.O. bellowed. “if you don’t jump out of this airplane right now, I’m gonna stick my manhood where the sun doesn’t shine.” Did you jump, Grampa?” The grandson asked, to which the grandfather replied, “a little bit.”
What’s Irish and sits on your lawn?
Paddy O’Furniture!
[that one has never failed to crack me up since I heard it in third grade . . .]
superbee that’s warped… and now on my list.
Crude Humor Below
How can you tell when a homeless woman is havinger her period?
She is only wearing one sock.
What goes, click click click “Is that it?”, click click click “Is that it”?
Ray Charles doing a rubix cube.
A man comes home from a bar to find his wife packing her bags and moving out. “What do you think you’re doing?” the man slurs.
“Leaving, you’re nothing but a drunk and a pedophile,” his wife replys.
He yells “That’s mighty brave talk coming from a 13 year old”
I’m glad this isn’t a tacky or tasteless joke thread, I would most likely get flamed by the end of it.
Two lions walking down Main Street, and one says to the other,
“It’s quiet for a Saturday isn’t it?”
I must be dense today, but would someone please explain this one to me?
Here’s my fav:
Little Johnny accompanies his 3rd grade class on a field trip, along with his very attractive, young teacher, on whom he has a crush.
On the bus ride, they pass 3 birds sitting on a utility wire, and, trying to impress her, Johnny asks, “Ms. Jones, if I had 3 rocks, do you think I could hit each one of those birds off the wire?”
Ms. Jones: “No, Johnny, because as soon as you throw a rock at the first one, the other two would fly away. But I LIKE the way you’re thinking!”
That afternoon, Little Johnny tells Ms. Jones he has another question for her: “Three women are walking across the street, each one with a pickle. The first one is holding her pickle carefully in her hand; the second woman is kissing her pickle; the third woman has her pickle crammed all the way down her throat. Now, Ms. Jones, which is the married woman?”
“Well, Johnny, I guess it would be the one with the pickle down her throat.”
“No, it’s the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I LIKE THE WAY YOU’RE THINKING!”
Yeah me too.