When do you know if you’ve reached the point where you should just keep quiet when trying to help a friend?
Say, for example, you have a friend who is morbidly obese. Or you know someone has another problem, like, say drinking too much. insert issue here
You care deeply for the person, and would like to see them around for a long time. You discuss the issue with the person.
When do you say, “Well, I’ve tried and now I just have to leave them alone.”?
Are you a good friend if you sit and watch them spiral downward without continuing to try to help? Or are you a busybody who should mind their own business and allow others to lead their lives as they see fit?
Anyhoo, people will often give you helpful advice, such as “mind my own f*&%ing business” or something to that effect, and hence it’s really not necessary to know beforehand when you should stop “helping”. You are virtually assured a clear indicator that you’ve crossed some line will be provided. Often, you don’t even need to ask when you’ve reached that point. Your friend, wishing to be helpful in turn, will gladly volunteer all essential information.
It seems that if you’re sure that they have ample info to make an informed adult decision, then repeating th einfo seems pointless.
As a friend, however, one does not have to be an “enabler”. You do not have to provide booze to an alcoholic nor cheesecake to one who is morbidly obese.
If the help you have to offer is redundant, then give it a rest.
Very tough question. Without any doubt there are millions of people out there who would like assistance dealing with personal problems but are afraid or embarrassed to ask for it directly. If you bring the issue up for discussion and they are very willing to talk about it, chances are that they are hoping you can offer advice of some sort; of course, figuring out how best to approach it may be difficult. On the other hand, if they act very defensive, or are definitely trying to avoid talking about it, then pushing the issue may do more harm than good.
If you have a friend who is morbidly obese, chances are that she or he has noticed. Talking to the person about dieting and exercising has very little chance of making the least bit of positive difference. It may have a negative effect. But researching information on the latest developments in weight loss might help quite a bit. (Medications to treat compulsive eating, various surgeries available, why it is not a matter of will power, the role of genetics, etc.) But share this only if the other person is interested in what you have learned. You might find some good websites to share. I don’t recommend anything that involves just dieting, but I am not a physician or nutritionist.
Someone else might be able to make suggestions about dealing with alcoholism or concerns about it.
Sometimes other people have problems that we just can’t fix.
~ Zoe (maintaining a 140 weight loss after 7 years)
Congrats on the loss. That’s a significant amount!
I suppose, after having talked about this before, that I should drop it. All I really wanted was to help if I could, and let them know I cared. I have no aspirations to be the nag that constantly badgers a person to make them live up to some standard I set. I just want to have my friends happy, healthy, and whole, if possible, and they have indicated the same wants and asked for input from time to time. I’d hate it if someone badgered me, so I guess, “Do unto others…” works well here.
This situation, on reflection, is too difficult to describe without putting in an entire history in writing. I also know they are adults. This makes them responsible for their own choices and lives, and I’ll wait, going forward, until they ask for help. It just sometimes feels like I’m copping out by not trying a bit harder.
I attempted many times over the years to help a friend whose parents were declining health-wise. I tried giving her brochures, websites, info, offers of help, and so on. She always said, “Yes, that’s a good idea/I’ll have to look into that/etc.” but never did anything. Yet she continued to wear herself out, yell at the folks, complain and whine constantly about the situation and how tired she was. So they got no help because she wouldn’t pursue it. She is a perfectionist and no aide would have been good enough. Also, the family had plenty of dough but always acted like they were on the verge of poverty. After a while, I realized that there was no point in suggesting help any more.
She is also a hoarder and clutterer and there are support groups and other forms of help out there, but forget it. Tried that too. The house continues to grow from the inside out. I don’t even mention it anymore.
I’m not sure that talking to people about weight/alcohol problems really helps much, unless they came to you about it.
So, if talking is out, what can you do? Well… a lot of times, overweight people don’t get invited to participate in fun sporting activities, because it’s assumed they won’t be interested. (And they don’t invite themselves along for fear of looking stupid or not being able to keep up.) Similarly, alcoholics may be seen as party animals and thus not invited to quieter social events.
Be sure to buck this trend. If you’re going out on a hike, or to play a few rounds of golf, invite them along. If you’re holding a movie night or other quiet non-alcoholic gathering, invite them over. Spring is here and there are lots of opportunities for fun, outdoor events that don’t involve alcohol or food.
That said, don’t start proposing things just for their benefit. That will be obvious and offensive. Just invite them along to things you’d be doing anyway. If they decline, then mention later in passing how much fun you had. If shyness was holding them back, then the third or fourth no-pressure invitation may do the trick.
I tend to help others when they have a plan and/or are helping themselves.
Everyone say things like “I want to be a millionaire” or " I want to lose weight", but they mostly don’t do anything about it.
If my ‘wanting to be rich’ friend had a plan or was working toward their goal, I might help, say, with childcare or transportation- stuff like that.
If my ‘wanting to be thinner’ friend was dieting and exercising, I might help by not tempting them with brownies (or whatever) and exercising with them, etc.
I tend to not help with financial aid because I find it’s usually a temporary fix and is often neither appreciated past the point of the payout, or returned.
Recently, my neighbors lost their house and moved away. I liked them and miss them, but didn’t help them. They had made so many bad decisions and didn’t develop any kind of plan to help themselves. Had they seemed genuinely interested in solving their problems, I would have helped them generously.
The fact is, quite flatly, you cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves. If they do not wish to pull themselves out of the hole they’re in, you simply cannot pull them out.
Arranging interventions, or doing any of that kind of stuff won’t make a bit of difference unless the person really wants to change.
Once they want to change, as someone else said, they will let you know themselves when you’ve crossed the line.
People in general do not like unasked for advise…even when you are certain you are right and the other person is wrong…When advise or help is asked for the help should be given…however:
loan a friend a reasonable amt of money and in my experience, many do not pay it back or cannot pay it back…embarrased or otherwise, they often avoid contact with you and the friend is no longer a friend…OR
when aske- for- advise is given as honestly and helpful as you can be…the friend will often hold you responsible if things go wrong…thusly the explanation for the title on this post.
Don’t get me wrong…plenty of people ARE appreciative of help but a huge percent do not.