Inspired by a Far Side panel: “…and you’re sitting in it right now.”
Any reference to one’s personal colostomy bag.
Complaining about the poor quality of your photograph on the Sexual Offender’s Website.
A buddy of mine and I were at dinner one night and the waitress (who was kind of cute) kept coming over to our table to talk to us. It was just idle chit chat, but it definately seemed to me that she was fishing for something besides a good tip, if you know what I mean. nudge, nudge wink, wink
At one point she asks us if the place we were at was a steak, what kind of steak would it be. This, was actually a very bad question to ask, since my friend at the time, had given up eating meat because he was convinced that the government was putting mind control substances in it (no shit). In hopes of shutting him down before he went on one of his tirades about how meat was bad for you, I said, “He doesn’t eat meat. He’s a wiennie.”
My friend, instead of taking the hint, immediately pipes up with, “We’ve got a friend who eats wiennies!” just like some three year old kid proudly announcing he’s made a poo or something. The waitress’s jaw hit the floor, and I nearly buried my face in my dinner from embarassment. She excused herself and we hardly saw her the rest of the time we were there.
I tried to explain to my friend what it was that he’d done wrong, but he couldn’t grasp it at all. Funny thing is, he thinks that I’m the one who says inappropriate comments constantly. :rolleyes:
And then…penis ensued.
“Excuse me, I just dropped a load in my shorts.”
“I miss my childhood, especially mom and dad fucking me to sleep.”
“The government will have to pry my vibrating cock rings off of my cold dead cock.”
“I literally have hornets swarming in my brain.”
Actually, I’ve had a few conversations stopped when the person I’m conversing with suddenly announces that whatever we’re talking about is evil, of the devil, against their religious beliefs, etc. It’s like a dash of cold water, and I never know what to say in response.
“… and then I killed her.”
“That was my mother’s name.”
I had a friend who announced to all the other people sitting around the table, “Yeah, well I’ve chosen a life of celibacy.”
This was at my sisters wedding.
Was it the groom?
“… and that’s how I got syphilis in both my eyes.”
No such luck. My poor friend was at a table of people he’d never met. I had to sit up by the best man, so the one person he knew was far away.
The other day a friend piped in with “One thing I had never tried before moving here was heroin.” and was met with at least 10 seconds of stunned silence. He was kidding of course (or backpedaling) but it was one of the longest conversation pauses I’ve ever experienced.
'Oh, come on! As if I’m the only one at this table who has eaten human flesh! :rolleyes: ’
“Daddy’s penis tastes funny.”
“Well, at least that’s what the voices tell me.”
Stand up, let out a scream as long and loud as you can, then sit down again, panting and glaring with fists clenched and trembling.
“Like Mom always said, Incest is Best ! That’s my motto !”
A friend of mine likes to wait for people to start talking and then stuff her fist in her mouth to see what kind of reaction they have. She says it usually shuts people up immediately. Didn’t work when she tried it on me though, I just kept talking at her.
OK…I got one that really happened…
Couple of guys sitting around a Blackjack table. One guy was black, the other was a young kid who was very drunk.
Drunk White Kid: Yeah, but black people are great at dice. I ain’t NEVER going to bet against a black man at a game of dice. I hope you don’t think I’m being a racist, I’m not. I would just never bet against a black man playing dice.
Black Guy (to his credit, plays it very cool): No man. I think an adult man should be able to say what’s on his mind.
White Redneck Lady: I WISH I WAS BLACK!!!
Whole Table: :::Crickets:::
One thing that an ex-gf of mind did, which had everyone at the party staring at her in horror, even though there was nothing really wrong with what she did. We’re all sitting around talking, when she casually pulls out a crispt one dollar bill, she then folds the dollar bill lengthwise evenly until it’s about 1/2 an wide. Next, she did what had all of us gaping in horror. She picked up a pair of scissors and proceeded to turn the dollar bill into those connected paper dolls. :eek: