[sub]written by me many years ago as a skit for student television in college. Sadly (or fortunately) it was never filmed…[/sub]
STAR TREK: THE NEXT DEFENESTRATION
*The scene: a bunch of people in a large car or station wagon…some or all of them are wearing Starfleet uniforms or something Trekky looking
The characters: Captain Picard is in the front passenger seat, Wesley in the driver’s seat, even though he can barely see over the steering wheel…in the back seat are Troi, Riker, and Geordi (holding a banana over his eyes).*
Voice-Over: Highway 15-501. Just another stupid frontier. These are the voyages of the Carship '76 Buick. Its daily mission: to seek out young buxom ensigns, fast food and an occasional movie.
Riker: Captain, unidentified object approaching from rear, sir.
Picard: Counselor, analysis?
Troi: (turns around and sees biker guy from “Raising Arizona”) I sense hostility!
Geordi:* (turns around, lifts banana and looks for himself) *No shit!
Riker: SHIELDS UP! RED ALERT!
Picard: Fire all phasers!
Riker: Belay that order!
Picard: What? I’m the captain here!
Riker: May I remind you about the Prime Directive, Captain?
Picard: Aww, screw the Prime Directive! And I’m not going to take any insubordination on my ship. #1, go to the brig.
(#1 sighs and puts a paper bag labelled “Brig” over his head)
Troi: They’re closing in, Captain!
Picard: Ensign Crusher, warp seventy, engage!
Wesley: I can’t, sir, the helm’s not responding, sir.
Picard: What’s going on, Geordi?
Geordi: I’m working on it, Captain…I think it has something to do with the tachyon array emitter destabilization…doodad…thingy.
Picard: Layman’s terms, Mr. LaForge!
Geordi: We’re screwed.
Picard: Thank you. Hail the vessel.
(Wesley hands Captain the CB radio)
Picard: Breaker, breaker, good Starfleet buddy, can you hear me?
(silent pause)
Wesley: No response, sir.
Picard: (sarcastically) Thanks, I’d guessed that. Geordi, any progress?
Geordi: I’m working on it, Captain.
Picard: I need answers NOW, Geordi!
Geordi: (sighs) All right, already!.. What’s our speed?
Wesley: Thirty-five, tops.
Geordi: Computer, estimated time of intercept…
(Troi looks back out again, checks, puts hands over mouth and does computer voice)
Troi: Twenty five point three five eight seconds and counting.
Geordi: Wesley, how old are you?
Picard: Is this relevant?
Troi: Wait, this may be important!
(everyone looks at Wesley)
Picard: Well?
Wesley: (swallows hard) I’m twelve.
All: WHAT?!
Riker: How in the hell did you get a license to drive this thing?
Picard: Never mind that. Geordi, what’s the point?
Geordi: Simple. He can barely reach the gas pedal.
Picard: (sighs) I’m going to have to have a nice long talk with Starfleet Academy. But it can’t be helped now. Load the torpedo bays!
(Geordi produces a full grocery bag, and tries to hand it to #1, but he’s still in the brig. Annoyed, Geordi rips the bag off #1’s head. #1 takes the grocery bag and rolls down the window.)
Troi: Hey, those are my groceries!
Riker: Torpedoes ready, sir.
Picard: Fire!
(lots of neat laser sound effects, but all we see are tomatoes flying out the window. Cut to shot of exploding biker. The car pulls off the road.)
Riker: Well, I hope you’re happy sir, that’s the third new life form you’ve obliterated this week. Why don’t you talk to Starfleet about that?
Picard: Did I ask you to leave the brig, #1?
Riker: I was needed at the torpedo bay, sir, and-
Picard: Did I ask you to leave the brig, #1?
Riker: No, sir.
Picard: Then get back in it!
Riker: Aye, sir.
*(#1 puts bag back on)
(pause)*
Picard: And take that silly bag off your head. You look like an idiot.
Riker: (grumbling) Aye, sir.
(pause)
Troi: Is someone going to pay for my groceries?
Geordi: (looking out back window) Is someone going to clean up that mess?
Wesley: Is someone gonna give me a decent line in this stupid skit?
All: NO!
Wesley: (whining) I don’t need this. I’m leaving.
All: GOOD!
Wesley: Permission to disembark, Captain.
Picard: Granted. Mr. Worf, report to the bridge.
(Wesley leans down out of camera range, puts on scary mask, sits back up)
Worf: (to Captain) RRRRrrrrr.
Picard I love you, too, Mr. Worf.
(shot of car driving off)