Not everyone who suffers from clinical depression seems sad.
To the OP: your granddaughter does sound depressed, but it would be good to have her checked out by a doctor first, to rule out any physical causes for her condition. There are meds available to help with depression.
At first I thought that the “She’s depressed” posts were sarcastic (because people often respond that way to “What’s wrong with my kid” threads) but are you guys actually serious?
Depression doesn’t simply mean “being sad all the time.” Here’swhat looks like a pretty good list of symptoms. Note that you don’t need all of them to be depressed, just that “one or more of these symptoms persist.”
It sounds like the OP’s granddaughter fits at least three of those in just the short description. Get her professional help; this is beyond her parent’s expertise.
Depression is a very poorly named mental illness. It is not about being sad. It is a somewhat treatable mental illness, depending how severe it is. She likely needs treatment, therapy and drugs.
Sounds like me ages 11-18 or so. It was from depression and anxiety in my case. I didn’t care about anything in life because I felt awful, all the time. I didn’t appear ‘sad’.
I got better. Moving out of my parent’s house and being responsible for my own life was the cure. Therapy and meds were also helpful but I had a bad home life and hated school, so I wasn’t able to recover fully until I escaped those things.
I will second the theory of depression, but I also have a couple other suggestions.
When a kid perceives that the bar is set too high or unattainable they just decide they have to live with the punishment. It does not matter that you believe that you are looking at a really smart kid who has the potential to get straight A’s what matters is that kid’s perception. The other problem is that if the child has no privileges it is impossible for them to do things that might actually lead to finding things they might care about. The other thing that can happen especially if you are dealing with any attention issues is that the long range planning to make up a full quarter or semester of grades is just beyond them.
#1 Ask the school if they could do a daily or weekly report for her. She can get signatures from each of her teachers to let the parent know if there is any homework or classwork missing while there is still time to avoid a hole.
#2 Instead of taking away privileges, make them things that can be earned with baby steps. Maybe she can talk on the phone or play on the computer for a period of time if she brings home signed daily report. In the beginning even if there are missing assignments she should get those privileges for each signature.
#3 While she may be smart enough to get way better grades, she may just not have the study skills or knowledge of how to get there. There are books that can help or ask for a conference with her teachers.
#4 It is probably past time to get medical professionals involved. You could be dealing with things a doctor might be able to provide some answers.
Yes, we’re serious. Teen depression is a real thing, and is often treatable. A person who isn’t interested in anything has a problem. Maybe she’s just not interested in anything she’s willing to tell her parents or grandmother about, but it is possible she’s depressed, or has damaged adrenal glands or something else that can be helped by modern medicine.
Get her to a doctor, LoneWolf1038.
I was in a somewhat similar situation when I was in middle school / high school. I enjoyed learning and was smart enough that I could readily absorb the material, but I just did not do the homework. I was a real trouble maker, too. The lowest point I got to was a span of a few weeks during which I was accused of both sexual harassment (not really true) and making racist comments (very true), then when I skipped my detention, I was given an in-school suspension.
I hated team sports (I still don’t really get the point), I did karate for a while but hurt my leg and never returned after it healed, I was somewhat overweight, and I spent pretty much all of my free time playing video games. During summers or long vacations, I would typically stay up until 2 in the morning every night playing Morrowind or Halo or whatever.
I was also a very angry person, to the extent that my mom took me to speak to a therapist. I was actually somewhat receptive to the idea, but I entered my first session with some serious misconceptions about what it would be like, resulting in total disappointment and discomfort with the whole experience. Even today I seriously doubt that it would have ever done me any good.
However, somewhere along the line, something clicked into place in the back of my brain, and I consider myself to be a very different person. I consistently make Dean’s List at my university, I have a variety of interests to which I apply myself with fervor and passion, and I have developed an extensive, coherent worldview which allows me to circumvent many of the frustrations that seem to plague most humans.
So what happened to cause this change? I honestly don’t have an easy answer for that off the top of my head, so I would be hesitant to give any prescriptive advice for you and your granddaughter. However, there were a number of events that may have been relevant to the transformation:
The in-school suspension may have woken me up from my teenage invincibility daydream. Something along the lines of “Hey, asshole, there are real consequences for your actions. Get it together.”
My mom pushed me to try out for a middle school play. I had a blast doing the show, and I continued to do theater throughout high school, both acting and tech work. I put a lot of positive energy into this, and I met a lot of interesting people…
…one of whom, Adam, kept nagging me to try editing Wikipedia, and when I finally did, I got sucked into the wonderful world of collaborative writing and research.
At some point, I saw a guitar under my brother’s bed and said “I’m going to teach myself to play guitar.” He countered with “That’s impossible, no one can just teach themself how to play guitar.” Naturally, I had to prove him wrong, so I spent the next seven years (which brings us up to the present) doing just that.
So how does all of this apply? I would say that there is still hope that your granddaughter will bring herself out of her slump without the aid of medication and therapy. I would humbly suggest that forcing her to experience a variety of activities will eventually lead to something clicking. Hope this helps!
See anhedonia, also apathy. Both are symptoms of depression and other mental/neurological illnesses. OP’s granddaughter should see a doctor for a mental health evaluation.
Come on, guys. Doesn’t anyone think it’s just a bit of a leap to go from “apathetic teenager” to a universal chorus of “SHE MUST BE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED GET HER ON DRUGS NOW!!!”? This kind of armchair doctoring is exactly why the offering of medical advice used to be banned.
I get that it’s a big deal but you can diagnose someone you’ve never met from a few paragraphs? I don’t think anyone can conclusively say she’s definitely, absolutely depressed. She may be and seeing a doctor is probably a good idea but you can’t be sure that’s the issue.
Yeah, that’s pretty much my issue with people assuming it must be depression.
The OP herself, who is this girl’s grandmother and knows her personally, believes this girl is depressed. To quote:
People generally can’t fix their own depression. Take her to see someone.
Another possibility is ADHD-PI (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - Predominantly Inattentive)*, which can accompany or cause both depression and/or anxiety.
At the OP’s granddaughter’s age I had interests and kept my grades up high enough to keep my parents off of my back most of the time, but I could live inside my own head well enough that removal punishments would have had no effect at all.
What’s wrong with taking her to a doctor and having it ruled out?
BTW, meds are not ALWAYS the solution to depression. Only your doctor can say that. And it’s not just “here, pop this pill and you’ll be all happy!” Therapy is a must. (That’s one thing I do wish people should stress – don’t automatically say “get her on meds!!!”)
If she IS depressed, then it’s crucial for her to get help. If she’s not, then you’ll know that for certain, and can work on finding the problem without that worry.
While a few folks have said as much, most (myself included) have said something like “it may be depression,” and - far more importantly - that she should go see a doctor.
Maybe it’s normal, maybe it’s not. The straightest dope is likely to come from an in-person visit with a doctor, who knows what symptoms to look for and what questions to ask.
She might be depressed, and she might be normal. I’d suggest getting her out of the environment altogether and see how she does.
Only you, the patient (or the parent of a minor patient), can say that, regardless of what the doctor suggests.
The other point to make about this is, I very much doubt a doctor can “rule it out”. I’m unaware of any clinical tests which can unambiguously determine whether someone is suffering from depression. There are surely indicators, but if there anything definitive I haven’t heard of it.
BTW, this opinion could be an indicator of my own ignorance, and if I am incorrect, I would like to know.
Brain imaging can give some fairly definitive answers, and is getting better all the time. If you can afford the cost, of course.
Everyone is saying “give her drugs”, which can help, but that doesn’t really address the problem so much as cover it up with a short-term solution.
The thing is, motivation has to come from within. Finding new ways to punish her is exactly the opposite of the correct thing to do when someone doesn’t feel motivated. She has to feel like she’s accomplishing something that has meaning/purpose, and that there’s something rewarding about it (whether intrinsically, extrinsically, or ideally both). And when she inevitably fails or doesn’t live up to expectations of others or herself, she has to be encouraged to keep going.
Everyone needs these things to feel motivated. Ignoring the real problem and just saying “give her drugs” tends to miss the point.
Can you point out some place in this thread where someone (beside you) just said “give her drugs”? What I see is suggestions that medication AND therapy may help and she should see a doctor.
If you are anti-drugs, just say so, but don’t put words in my mouth, please.