I too am having this problem with the instant jump to “She’s depressed; get thee to a doctor and drug her up!”
You know which part of the OP jumped out at me immediately
(bolding mine)
Seems to me that her parents’ easy-going attitude and low expectations have (SHOCKINGLY!!!) rubbed off on her. They are probably the type who want to be her friend. Fuck that shit. Rules, discipline, and most of all expectations are what this kid has needed. I’m not saying you should have unreasonable expectations, but encouraging her to “just get by” are you really surprised that she doesn’t give a shit? How about some chores, some responsibility, some accountability?!
Find out something she is passionate about, travel, etc. Now that school is almost out it may be the perfect time to let her explore what sparks any interest.
School is very depressing and I don’t blame her for feeling that way, nor trying to motivate her to do better in something already so depressing.
Is this a change of mood for her, or has she always been quiet and unmotivated? If she’s taken to a doctor or counsellor, that’s one of the questions that will be asked.
An unmotivated child can receive approval for being quiet and not causing trouble. Then she’s a teen and now suddenly everyone wants something else, or rather they still want the quiet and no trouble, but they want accomplishment, too. She might feel like people are changing the rules on her.
I’d vote to consider it depression, teenagerism, and a lack of self esteem. A counselor may be of better use than a bottle of meds. Especially at that age. In fact, unless she displays some psychotic tendencies, I’d advise against it.
No, not everyone is saying “give her drugs,” and I wish people would stop claiming that. I’ve counted two posts in this thread in which people unequivocally advocated medication (and/or therapy); many others were suggesting that she see a doctor, who may prescribe medication and/or therapy - or may simply suggest changes in the way her parents are raising her.
I didn’t see anyone saying “she’s depressed, just give her drugs”. If I missed it, please be so kind as to point it out.
What I did see is a number of people pointing out that this could be a medical issue, so she should see a doctor. For instance, there are a number of tests that are often run to rule out physical problems that can manifest similarly to depression.
And that it could be a mental health issue, so she should see a therapist. Who could help determine if she is suffering from a mood or other disorder, and how best to treat it.
And that the therapist and family and doctor could decide if she needed medication.
Which isn’t really the same thing at all now, is it?
Uh OK, so everyone said “give her drugs and someone to talk to [about the drugs]”. Semantics.
I’m not anti-drug at all. I just think that fails to address the real problem, which has likely been inherent in the way her family has treated her from the very beginning.
No, we didn’t say that, or anything remotely resembling that. It’s certainly starting to sound like you have some sort of issues with the very concept of mental health problems.
Depressed doesn’t mean sad, per se. My son had mild depression which showed as a completely flat affect, no interest in anything. It resolved when we recognized and started treating his ADD. He was 12 at the time.
No. No one said to give her drugs. They said take her to a Doctor. Some said a doctor might prescribe drugs. That is for the girl, her family and the doctor to decide. It also could be a problem with expectations, there again, at this point it is unlikely that the family can change the dynamics without some assistance.
Honestly, this seems to be a pretty common problem with teenagers. I was like this, I knew quite a few kids growing up who had similar problems and now that I’m an adult I have friends with kids that have the same problem. I’ve seen it in kids with very strict parents, kids with very “hands-off” parents, kids who went to therapy, kids who didn’t, kids from poor and rich backgrounds, etc. I don’t think there’s really a “cause”, its just the way a certain type of personality deals with the general experience of being an American teenager.
I’m not sure there is really a solution, though admitting that is probably difficult for parents. Most kids seem to shake it off after a few years, like cryptic c62, some don’t, or manage to screw up their lives enough before they get over it that they never really recover, but I don’t think I’ve ever really seen a case where someone did “X” and then the person got better.
It seems to be something that teens have to work out on their own. And most do. But I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to aid the process.
Really? I was a fairly lazy teenager and had some issues with self-esteem and not knowing what I wanted, etc. I’ve known a lot of teenagers like that. And most of them do get over it as they grow up.
But someone who doesn’t want to do anything, doesn’t like anything, doesn’t care if they can’t watch tv or talk on the phone or play games or see their friends or go anywhere? That doesn’t sound like any “typical” teenage angst that I’ve seen.
And as I mentioned earlier, a therapist can also help the parents learn better ways to deal with a difficult child.
I would agree that part of the problem could well be the parents - but if they’re “at wits’ end”, then they need some help also.
True, I missed that. But just because the OP suspects, I don’t see why people are so dead set on it. Yeah, it very well might be, but why the “She MUST be depressed, ONLY meds will help her” mentality?
I have had custody of my nephew for 4 years now. He’s been seeing a counselor for the past 3 years, and only in the last year did he then recommend anti-depressants for him. When we took him to the doctor, he also was very reluctant to prescribe anything until he had spoken with the counselor.
My point is that any counselor or doctor that is good won’t automatically prescribe drugs. Diagnosing depression is a long and arduous process.
I think that depression is a legitimate concern for the OP. Taking her to a counselor is a good first step. After she has seen the counselor for awhile can a determination be made of whether or not she’s suffering from depression. They will also be able to help with what to do next, whether it be drugs, group therapy, etc.
If someone was saying that their grandchild was peeing all the time, was thirsty and and was losing weight, people would suggest that the child was diabetic and to see a doctor. The symptoms suggest this. Depending on the type of diabetes medicine or lifestyle changes would be recommended.
Depression has specific symptoms that can be recognizable to someone who knows what they are looking for.
The description in the OP is of someone who sounds like they have disthymia (mild depression) or major depression. It could also be other problems, but the symptoms sound like depression. The solution to that is to see a doctor to rule something physical (like hypothyroidism or even Lyme disease) and then move on to a therapist or psychiatrist, who made, indeed, prescribe medication as a part of a treatment program.
In my child’s case, it was untreated ADD that caused his depression (which is not uncommon). Treating the ADD through medication and behavior modification ultimately helped his depression, because he was more successful and less frustrated in school.
Dunno about “typical”, but I think its pretty common. I’m sure the girl in question just doesn’t stare at the wall when she goes home, presumably she does do things, just not with any particular enthusasim. When I was in HS, I spent a year or too sitting in my room reading sci-fi books, hiding from my parents and blowing off homework. My old girlfriends little sister spent a year or more sitting on the couch watching Wonder Year reruns (they had the series on VHS). One friend spent a lot of time building models, another friend would play video-games or hang out at the mall with friends. But in all cases it was mainly just to kill time.
And most cases, they do shake it off after a year or three, and then usually have to spend the next year or two trying to salvage their GPA or otherwise undo damage done.
This is why I see this as depression, and not just teenage angst. It is NOT NORMAL for someone to not be able to think of one single thing that they enjoy. It is NOT NORMAL to be perfectly okay with having all privileges taken away because those privileges don’t matter to you.
I recognize what the OP is talking about because I lived it. I WAS this girl when I was her age. And it just didn’t go away, it stayed for twenty years until I sought medical attention for depression.
At least have the girl see a doctor to be evaluated for depression. I can’t imagine why there are so many that are against this.
If this is the case, then the girl will eventually get better on her own. So going to see a doctor and a therapist won’t really hurt anything, will it?
And if it’s not the case, then taking steps to resolve the problem could mean a world of difference to her and her family.