“Hi, I think we should talk. Your 18 year old son is sleeping with a daughter. What? No, not my daughter, its somebody else’s daughter, but I figured we need to talk anyway.”
Yep. Sounds legit!
Do the risks of embarrassing a teenager seriously outweigh the risk of bringing an unwanted child into the world to be raised by a kid and an absentee dad? Talk to her, encourage her to see a doctor and take the same precautions an adult having a sexual relationship would.
“I think you should know, if you don’t already know, that your 18 year old son is sleeping with a young woman. Ordinarily this would be between them. However this young woman has self-esteem problems and there has already been one pregnancy scare. I think she could be at a risk for an intended unplanned pregnancy if you get my dwift. Because of all the negative effects that would create for everyone in this situation: you, your son, the young woman, her parents, the baby, etc., I thought you should be told. If it were my son I would want someone to tell me.”
I agree with the advice to arm your daughter with information and resources (such as where to get birth control - i.e. Planned Parenthood) and let your daughter talk to her. She’s more likely to listen to a peer at this age then any adult, even if you and her have a good relationship. However, let her know (through your daughter) that you are available if she needs to talk.
Not in any jurisdiction I’m aware of. (not saying it can’t be true, but most places require a certain number of years of age difference for stat rape)
Is Vicky still living at your house quite a bit? Is it likely that Vicky and baby would end up living at your house?
Arizona. Sex between an 18 year old and minor who is at least 15, Class 6 felony, punishable by up to one year in prison. Arizona Penal Code § 13-1405.
California. Sex between any adult and any person under 18, if the age difference is less than three years, is unlawful sexual intercourse, a misdeameanor punishable by a year in county jail. California Penal Code 261.5(b)
I could go on.
The OP’s location is listed as Minnesota, where the age of consent is 16, so this line of reasoning is pointless.
YOU shouldn’t be telling anyone anything. Personally, I think it’d be really dumb of her to tell them. Advise the girl not to breathe a single word of this to her parents, until she is no longer living under their roof or dependent on their money.
Why not educate the daughter a little bit, so that she can, in turn, educate Vicky?
For instance, “Did you know, Vicky, that is easy and cheap to go over to Planned Parenthood and get a Depo provera shot every 3 months? You don’t need an appointment, they don’t tell your parents, and that way you won’t have to freak out and worry every time your period is a day or two late.” (Although she’d still need to use a condom for STDs, of course.) But at least the immediate danger of a ill-advised pregnancy would be taken away.
I think 17-year-old girls are apt to get hysterical about the possibility of pregnancy anyway - but my experience is that the ones that frequently have “scares” are actually testing the water as to what the reactions around them might be if they got pregnant FOR REAL. It might very well become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if someone doesn’t step in (even back-handedly) to help her nip it in the bud.
Teenagers seem to do a lot more “hooking up” and casual sex these days, but I can still see where this is most likely a self-esteem issue for this girl. She probably has had the positive reinforcement already (“I give him sex on the side when he wants it - therefore he values me, and might consider me as girlfriend material in the future.” when the opposite is true.) It can’t be too terribly hard for her to take the next mental step and think about what he’d do if they had a baby together.
So anyway, my advice to the OP, if you can quietly re-route some information her way, I think you ought to. However, anything heavy-handed like contacting parents, taking the girl to a clinic YOURSELF, etc., should be avoided.
I understand the thinking behind telling the boy’s parents, but to me fisha’s main responsibility is to her OWN daughter. Imagine what kind of Hell she’d be in at school, with her friends and not able to trust her own mom any longer.
You should say nothing to no one. It’s not your business.
It’s not even remotely comparable.
I think it’s ridiculous to say that this is none of fisha’s business. The girl has been staying at over her house for an extended period. While that does not make fisha her mom, it does make her, if not responsible, then at least interested in her welfare. If the girl doesn’t have a lot of support right now, the right thing for fisha to do is to step up and be that support. I wouldn’t call anyone’s parents, but you absolutely should have a contraception talk with her, and help her get some if need be.
At this point, fisha might be the difference between Vicky being a teenage mom and not.
I read all the responses and thought about it for a long time. I had a pregnancy scare a few years later than that. No one helped me, and my parents - well if anyone had told them, hell would have broken loose.
I think this is where “it takes a village” comes in. You say they have five kids, they are in the middle of a messy divorce, also "Her mom is completely overwhelmed, and her dad can be a raging asshole. "
God, don’t tell these parents. What use would they be? But help her, can’t you? Give your daughter the good advice, and have her pass it on, and tell your daughter the other girl can come to you for advice. Why can’t you be the responsible, helpful adult in the situation?
Oh I think there are levels on which it is very comparable. You have a girl making very bad decisions where the risk of a baby being produced is high. and if that happens huge, huge burdens and responsibilities are going to be put on relatives, and resources that could go toward education or retirement etc. are going to be devoted to supporting a teenage single mother.
That’s a disaster in the making, and someone needs to tell the valley residents in harms way the dam is getting ready to let go. It would almost be unethical not to.
I’d talk to Vicky. It doesn’t sound like she has very good support at home, and if you don’t do it, who will?
I’m a middle-aged female gamer so I tend to be around teens and I talk to them very frankly about sexuality. I’m as old as their mamas, but I guess my personality and the gaming connection makes me easy to talk to. I’ve instructed several teens about birth control, bought condoms for some, and found free resources for those that live farther away. We talk about everything from STDs to relationships to gender identity, and if I find out they are sexually active I keep after them about protection and make sure they continue to be armed with the proper information and resources.
So far it’s worked out, no STDs or pregnancies among them. It may be rude, but I don’t particularly care what the parents think if they ever find out. I care that the kids make it through their teen years without getting sick or becoming parents.
Is it legal to obtain contraception for an unrelated minor? (I have no idea, but I’d be afraid to do it without finding out)
I think at 17 you can get contraception from PP without any adult help. -Talk with your own daughter about it, so she’ll come to you when she needs help. -If your daughter thinks Vicky needs your help, let her know to tell you. -Leave the parents of both the other teenagers out of it. I can’t imagine trying to control an 18-year old boy’s hormones, and I would be gobsmacked if his parents could. As far as Vicky goes, it was a scare, it’s already over; she may tell her parents later, but obviously it’s something she handled herself. It’s a rite of passage for most women; if SHE didn’t tell her parents, then there’s no point in you going there. They weren’t needed.
Or they were robbing banks, or planning a bioterrorism attack, or if they set fire to a neighbor’s house, or any number of other things it’s NOT.
She’s running around having casual consensual sex with a similarly aged boy. Take it as an opportunity to talk to your own daughter about sex and self esteem and making better decisions or maybe talk to the friend if you get a chance, but telling everyone’s parents and turning it into a big ugly battle isn’t going to help anything.
Talked to my daughter tonight. We agreed to not talk to any parents. She’s hoping that the boy moving away will help. I guess one of their mutual friends is really taking Vicky to task, but my daughter is trying to reason with her, as opposed to yelling. I told her if Vicky is willing to settle for a guy like that, nothing anyone says it’s going to make a difference. I said basically the best thing she could do is say ’ You know I think you’re making bad decisions, but you’re not going to change your mind about Theo. Since you’ve had a bad pregnancy scare, lets go to the clinic so you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.
I’m not sure if my daughter is confident/mature enough to actually do that. I planted a seed, I guess.
If I see Vicky, Ill try to work it in a conversation.
If she ended up pregnant and kicked our of her house, she could stay here, I wouldn’t turn her away. We’ve got other stuff going on, but she knows we’d take her in.
As to the idea that it isn’t the same as drunk driving, or drugs, you’re wrong. Making poor decisions for the wrong reasons can affect the rest of your life. Early pregnancy/single motherhood can make your life really, really difficult. Are you doomed? Not necessarily, but life is tough enough as it is, no need to make it harder.
Sex is sex. That’s not what I’m worried about.