17 year old has pregnancy scare, tell the parents or not?

In My Humble Opinion
1

TLDR version-A good friend of my daughter is having sex with a similar aged boy (17, 18) I know all of the parents involved, on a friendly social basis, but we are not that close. She had a pregnancy scare last month. Should I tell parents, and if so, which ones?

Backstory

A couple of months ago my daughter talked to me about some bad decisions her friend was making. Her friend, Vicky, was sleeping with a boy, Theo, who had a girlfriend. Vicky said she was cool with everything, and just thought of the relationship as a FWB type thing. Theo would not be seen in public with Vicky, and wasn’t very nice in general. Not horrible, just selfish 18 year old boy stuff.

Vicky’s parents have gone through an ugly divorce in the last couple of years, and there are 5 kids, so she probably isn’t getting a lot of support right now. Not a bad family, just not a good time. Vicky stayed at our house quite a bit last year when things were at their worst. She is a little chubby, and ok pretty. They go to a school where the ideal is skinny and gorgeous, she might have a little confidence issue.

I see Theo around, but haven’t really talked to him much in the last couple of years. No big red flags pop up.

Vicky and Theo started hooking up a couple of months ago. I talked to my daughter about protection, being used, relationships, cheating, etc. She has a pretty good grasp of the situation, and has been trying to have Vicky see reason, to no avail. I stayed out of it.

Yesterday, my daughter told me that there was a pregnancy scare last month, not sure if Vicky even told Theo or not. I am sure she did not tell her mom. The other GF is gone, he is now at college, although it’s only an hour away or so.

Should I tell her parents? His parents? Talk to Vicky? Say nothing?

A big part of me thinks it’s not my business, but I think Vicky is in a vulnerable state right now, and would not be beyond thinking “If I have his kid, then he’ll love me, be with me.”

If this was my daughter I would want to know, and get her on BC, talk to her, something. If it was my son, I would want to know that they were both being stupid, and have a long talk with him.

People will do what they will do, but I would feel bad if she turns up pregnant and I did nothing. I understand that I am not their parent.

Also, I do not want to betray my daughter, and don’t want her to have a lot of fallout over this.

Any ideas or advice?

2

Let me be the first to say, stay out of it. Do whatever you wish to help Vicky, but don’t call any of the parents.

3

MYOB.

4

You forgot the bit where you explain how any of that is any of your business?

5

No good would come of interference. If Vicky is close to you, maybe you can talk to her about protection, etc. If she is not that close, stay out of it entirely.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

6

I suspect your daughter is telling you this so you can give her advice about what she should do about her friend, whom she’s presumably worried about. So I’d talk to your daughter about how she might advise her friend. But otherwise, butt out.

7

do not tell anyone.

keep giving good advice to daughter to tell Vicky.

8

Actually, it came through loud and clear to me:

Vicky is a good friend of her daughter.

Vicky stayed at fisha’s house a lot while her parents were getting divorced.

fisha’s daughter is bringing all this information voluntarily to fisha, and it’s not unreasonable to assume it’s with at least the partial intent of getting advice about or for Vicky.

I’m not saying that automatically gives fisha in loco parentis rights, but it’s a lot different than the case where Vicky is just some random kid at the high school.

fisha, what does your daughter think? Maybe she should be the one to tell Vicky that she should tell her mother, or see if Vicky wants to talk to you?

9

Oh, I know that’s part of it-She is VERY frustrated at her friend, and how her friend is willing to be treated poorly, just so some guy will love her, or at least sleep with her. She feels like all advice is falling on deaf ears, which I am sure it is.

Hey, I was stupid at least once, maybe twice.

I’m not trying to cause a big scene, or get on my moral high horse, just not sure what, if anything, I should say.

Perhaps I’ll just try to talk to Vicky when I get a chance, low pressure.

As an aside, I wonder if all the posts telling me to MYOB would be the same if it was drug addiction, or drunk driving, or an abusive relationship.

10

I think it’s great that you are concerned and talking with your daughter about how to support Vicky.
My advice would be to see if your daughter can talk to Vicky and see if she is willing to talk to a counselor or other adult at school who can keep things confidential. That way there is an adult directly involved who Vicky can talk to if she wants.

Of course you would want to know if your daughter was in the same situation, but this doesn’t mean you have the right to know. Teens are allowed to not tell there parents everything and make stupid decisions, although of course there are high-risk or dangerous behaviors that sometimes necessitates a real intervention or phone-call. This isn’t one of them. Now if the friend was 13, the boy was pressuring her, etc… the situation would be different.

11

Why do people always think that the parents deserve to know because they will be good lovely accepting helpful people? Last I checked, becoming a parent is not a magical antidoite for being a stupid jerk.

Maybe she has a very sound reason for not telling her parents. Maybe they are assholes to Vicky. Maybe they give horrible advice. Probably they don’t give a shit, and possibly they will put Vicky out on the street. When you weigh the bad that might result from your interference (lots) to the change you are likely to effect in Vicky’s behavior by telling her parents (none) it just doesn’t make any sense to talk to anyone but Vicky about your concerns.

And, really, where’s the catastrophe? She had a pregnancy scare, not a baby. Lots of people have pregnancy scares – including when they are using protection. Sometimes a good scare is all you need to straighten up. Or maybe she won’t straighten up and she’ll be an 18 year old mom. Either way I fail to see how your telling her parents is at all helpful.

12

Listen to that part of you. Talk with your own daughter, that’s as far as your responsibility goes.

13

Not your business, but on the other hand given the context another accidentally on purpose pregnancy would seem to have a very high risk possibility of occurring. If this happens multiple peoples lives and life plans are going to get nuked.

Given the context a baby would not be well received by anyone at this stage, but Vicky, and even that is questionable once she discovers it’s not going to glue him to her.

Ultimately the grandparents are going to be saddled with the responsibility for this potential baby, and it does not sound like any of them are in a position to take it on, and it does not sound like Vicky is going to stop doing this boy.

If she is reduced to having sex with a boy who wll not even be seen with her in public it’s obvious she’s obsessed beyond the point of humiliation with him and is not going to be listening to you or anything you have to say on the topic that gets between her and his free range penis.

Normally this would be an MYOB, but if I know the parents in this scenario I’d have to let someone know something. She and the boy are playing sperm and ovary Russian Roulette with their lives.

14

Stay out of it. Nothing good could come of you getting involved in any way.

15

This is a good point. Just because I hope that I would do the right thing, be supportive, whisk her off to the Dr. and try to help her as much as possible, doesn’t mean that her parents would. Her mom is completely overwhelmed, and her dad can be a raging asshole.

16

I concur with the folks who have said “talk to your daughter to pass info on to Vicky”. You could also have your daughter tell the friend that she can come to you, but only do that if you are truly willing to keep it confidential; be up front with “if you tell me you ARE pregnant, or are dealing drugs etc. then I may have to raise it with your parents, but anything lesser and it goes nowhere”.

17

Not a damn thing, unless your daughter wants you to.

18

Word. This is one of those unpleasant situations where the decision comes down to which is more important: the person or the relationship with the person. I would probably talk to the boy’s parents first on the off chance that they are more involved with their son’s life than the girl’s parents are in hers. The possibility of their son paying eighteen years of child support in the near future may move them into more aggressive action than anything else. I would talk to Vicky also and suggest some counseling for her self-esteem issues. Vicky will probably hate fisha for a while. Though it’s possible ten years from now she will be thanking fisha. Fisha’s daughter will probably hate her for awhile also, but if not for this, it would have been something else. Speaking as a former teenager, we all hate our parents at some point only sometimes it’s not justified. The boy will definitely consider fisha the Great Witch of the Universe, but I wouldn’t be concerned about his opinion. Basically unless one of these teenagers is sterile, it’s a no win situation. I would take the path that would leave me with the easiest conscience.

19

Those poor kids. I think it’s wonderful that your daughter confides in you, but if you told Vicky’s parents you’d damage that relationship with your daughter at the very least. Would she be able to trust you again? It would be different if Vicky were 13, but she’s almost to the age of being a legal adult. Her parents were the ones who created her insecurity in the first place and telling them would give them a chance to damage it further. I don’t see any good coming of it at all and could make things much worse for Vicky.

Hopefully the pregnancy scare was a wake-up call for her to at least be responsible about protection.

I think the only things you can do are advise your daughter and make sure Vicky knows she can talk to you.

20

I agree with the consensus - stay out of this.

Here’s one possible consequence: what if the girl is 17 and the boy is 18? One word in the wrong place and the boy is serving hard time for statutory rape - and might end up on a “sexual offenders list” for life, if that state has this sort of thing.