17 years divorced, my parents are squabbling again, and I'm caught in the middle...what to do....

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the situation. I’m 31, my parents are both 60 or so. They got divorced in 1996, and my dad since got remarried a couple years later. Their divorce contract had him paying alimony while my brother & I were living with my mom, as well as for our colleges. She also received his pension from a job he previously worked at for 25 years.

About 5 years ago, my mom met a guy and they fell in love. They bought a house together and have been engaged for the last 3 years, ring and all, but my mom has openly talked about how they will not get married because if they did, she would lose her stake in the pension, which is all she is currently getting from the divorce. Right now she works part time as a teacher and her fiancee works full time in a management title. My mom and dad haven’t remained friends but they do occasionally talk.

About a month ago, my dad called me and mentioned that my mom called him looking to get more money from him. He was retired for a couple of years but went back to work at a new company, and she seems to think that she is entitled to start receiving alimony because of it. He told her to go to hell and hung up.

Yesterday he called me again to tell me that he received a letter from a lawyer that she will be pursuing legal action against him for new alimony payments. She stated that she has remained single since the divorce and is NOT in a committed relationship, which apparently is what makes the difference here. Now he is getting a lawyer of his own to fight this, and asked me to testify that my mother in fact has been and is currently living in a common law relationship.

He just called me again to ask that if my mom is going to claim that she is NOT in a relationship to not spend any time around her fiancee (visit them, or have them visit me at my home) and that doing so would be a sign of approval for them trying to defraud him. Note that my mother tried to do the same thing with me with my dad and his second wife, but I refused to let her make demands like that, especially since she never did anything bad to me.

Anyway, I feel like this is 15 years ago all over again, and I’m stuck between two fighting parents. Note that I haven’t discussed any of this with my mom yet.

IANAL, nor do I know how divorce arrangements like this work, but I can tell this is going to get ugly and create a big rift in my family. I told him that if I have to get dragged into this, I will testify the truth but I’m not taking sides.

So how do these situations usually play out?

2

No advice here but your mom sounds like a real winner.

3

Jeeze - 60 years old and they refuse to grow up, eh? I would normally say don’t say anything and don’t get involved, but your mom is doing a very wrong thing - it isn’t her ex-husband’s job to support her for the rest of her life, when she could work or re-marry.

I think you said the right thing so far - I’d be tempted to tell him to hire a private detective to prove she is de-frauding him; it doesn’t sound like she’s been very private with her fiancé, and it wouldn’t take much to prove it.

4

Excellent plan. Good luck to you.

5

Either both calm down and come to their senses, or one or the other has a break down and gives up, or one or the other runs out of money to fund the lawsuit. Bottom line: to get in that position in the first place, one or the other has to be bent, so don’t expect anything other than nastiness and hurt to be spewed about. Best to duck and run.

6

I hope there isn’t a chance in the world that your mom can get alimony for any reason at this late date. I could see if one of you kids got disabled and she was again a caregiver but just because your dad got a job? Crazy. Once all the divorce stuff is final it would be outrageous to be able to drag each other back to court over anything not related to children or possibly forgotten joint owned property. I hope your dad sues her for his legal fees after she’s laughed out of court.

Do you think the lawyer letter could be faked or a bluff.

7

Does your mother’s lawyer know about the engagement ring and the house they bought together?

If your father has evidence of those things…pictures of your mother wearing the ring, land records showing her and her fiance on the title to the house, and she denies it under oath, your mother could possibly get herself in trouble for perjury.

8

My brother’s ex hauled him into court for increase support. He found assets she “forgot” to report and the judge reduced the support he had to pay.

Dad should get an attorney and go in loaded for bear. He could get the original support over turned.

9

I just looked at my mom’s FB page, and there’s a post about 5 months ago stating “Today is our 5 year anniversary of being a committed couple”, and she’s had her status listed as engaged for as long as she’s had an account (I took screenshots of both those pages, just in case they magically disappear down the line). So no, their relationship is no secret to anyone, and my dad has known about it pretty much since the beginning (and he was even happy for them). So that’s what surprises me the most - that according to whatever he got from her lawyer, she is claiming that she is not and has not been in a relationship with anyone else that would invalidate her stake in new alimony. I don’t know how these laws work, but my dad is pretty convinced that she is trying to commit fraud and perjury here.

Does anyone know what actually invalidates an ex’s stake to financial support? Does a marriage license itself have to be signed? Are there people who get remarried and are STILL collecting from an ex?

I have this bad feeling that my mom is gonna end up in the poorhouse in the end of this, and then next thing I know she’s gonna turn to ME for help…I wonder if “I love you Mom, but you brought this on yourself by getting greedy” would be an acceptable response?

10

She is trying to (or currently committing) fraud; it sounds like she is going to go for perjury, too. Maybe you need to explain to your mom that you’re going to testify the whole truth and nothing but the truth like a good citizen, and maybe she should re-think her position.

11

First of all, yes - perfectly acceptable. :slight_smile:

Secondly, why would she be in the poorhouse? She has a part-time job, her fiancé has a full-time job - what more do they need?

12

Silence speaks volumes.

13

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. This is a blatant attempt at fraud by your mother. Whatever else happened between the two of them before, your father is in the right in this case, and the justice system WILL notice. Your mother deserves what’s coming to her if she pursues it.

Also, your stated intention: “Tell the truth and not take sides” is the wisest course here. Just be honest about it with both of them. Tell your father that you will be honest if you are called upon as a witness(although you could request that he get a dfferent person with knowledge of the situation, so as not to hurt your relationship with your mother), but also tell your mother that your aren’t going to lie for her if your testimony is called for.

14

I think the lawyers are gonna end up the rich ones here. I really don’t want to be dragged into this any further than I have already, which is why I’m not calling up her right now and asking what her side of the story is.

I also don’t know what the actual legal standing is. All I know is that my dad paid alimony to support my brother & I when we lived with her, paid for our higher educations (and also helped support me, not because he had to, but because he chose to, when I was between jobs a couple years ago–and when he suggested I go to my mom for financial support, she just told me to go back to my dad, since he’s the parent with the money–which is something else my dad plans on bringing up as an argument), and they had an agreement that when he retired from the job he used to work at, she would get his pension. So he retired, and then came out of retirement a couple years later because he was bored staying home all day, and now all of a sudden she wants a new check every month. I don’t know if part of that agreement said that he HAD to stay retired or not…

I’m never getting married.

15

Was your dad paying alimony or child support when you were living with your mom (were you minors)? Child support often extends to college payments.

16

Did the pension stop being paid out because your dad is no longer retired?

17

Yes, he was paying both up through the end of me and my brother graduating college. The pensions are still being paid every month.

18

“Mom, I’m not going to lie for you. Period. Incidentally, did you stop to consider that the only ones who will win in this will be the lawyers?”

For me, this sums up the thread neatly. Of course, I’m on the outside looking in with no interest in either party’s position. Free advice, for what it’s worth…

19

Have you told your mom this, along with all the truthful things that you know about her relationship? She’s likely already committed fraud with that first letter. Impress upon her the downside of going to trial, HER downside.

20

No advice beyond what’s been given. I just want to say I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.