18 yr old daughter changing for the worse? (Long)

In My Humble Opinion
61

I have to ask you, because it’s just bizarre that you haven’t “allowed” her to get a driver’s license at 18…is she developmentally disabled or something? Because 18 is WAY overdue for a person to be “allowed” (which I enclose in quotes because, really, you have absolutely no legal right to allow or disallow anything to her at this point) to learn to drive.

Sorry…you really are trying to do the impossible. By the age of 18, she should be ready to face the world and make her own decisions, barring some sort of developmental disability. She’s past the “best by” date for preventing her from doing things.

Another impossibility. She’s going to stumble. Sometimes that stumble will be a doozy. You can’t protect her from that any more than you can turn her into a 4-year-old again.

How’s she supposed to enjoy life if you only let her live in Real-World Disneyland, where mommy and daddy set up velvet-rope trails she’s not allowed to stray outside of?

In her childhood. Her childhood is over and she should have long since had at least some tentative contact with that harsh real world so she knows how to use those tools you were supposed to be teaching her to use.

You do know that “well-adjusted” doesn’t mean “does everything I tell her to do”, right?

62

Funny, my parents were like that. I left after a huge blowout at age…twenty or so. Never looked back, and I still resent them sometimes for not making me be a real adult, and trying to keep me a baby for their own purposes.

Right now is the time she *should *be experiencing the harshness of life - while she still has you there to protect her.

63

I’m almost having a difficult time believing this OP is for real, it’s so off the chart for me in terms of parental relationships with an 18-year-old kid.

64

This can’t be real. I treat my 14 year old with more respect and give him more autonomy that she is to her 18 year old.

If your 18 year old is so incompetent, it is because you have made her so. People can’t behave responsibly until they are given real responsibility.

65

Well, there’s a case in my neck of the woods where the father killed his daughters for dishonouring the family, by dating or something.

Here.

I’m not making any comparisons whatsoever. Cultural clashes are real though and need to be understood by everyone.

ETA: Actually, this story is a better description:

66

I almost agree. I’ve been avoiding accusing anyone of anything, though. It does seem a bit over-the-top.

67

No she is not.

I can try while i still can.

We will allow her to step into the ‘real world’ (if you will) when we think she is ready.

Yes i do.

68

I hate to break this to you, but “when she’s ready” became a decision that is NOT yours to make on her 18th birthday. At this point, it’s only her continuing tolerance of your treatment of her that is keeping you in her life. If you push too hard, she has every right to cut you off completely. I’m sure she’ll be reluctant to take that step (I know from overprotective parents and the kind of mind-screw it does to a person), but at some point, she’s going to decide that she has to live her life and the only way to do that is to get you out of it.

69

I hope everyone realizes that i am only doing out of love for my daughter. Im sure none of you would want something awful to happen to your son or daughter and would try everything you can to stop something that you felt wasnt right from happening.

Reading through some of your responses, I do realize that maybe her having friends isnt so bad. And maybe I should get used to the idea of her hanging out with them. I do have a problem with this older dude she’s been ‘friends’ with however.

I’ll take everyones response for consideration. And thank you for the honesty

70

You do realize that just because she checks in with you does not mean she is not also hanging out with this guy, don’t you?

71

I do realize that. I don’t think you’re evil. I just think you’re seriously misguided. I have complete confidence that, assuming the whole thread is sincere on your part, you think you’re doing the right thing. I don’t agree with it, and legally, you’re on shaky ground, but I do think you’re not deliberately trying to cripple her socially or anything.

72

A lot of the parents of the friends of my 14 year old daughter insist, INSIST that they are friends on Facebook so that the parents can keep tabs on what’s happening.

We’ve never done that. I told my daughter a few weeks back that her friends no doubt just created a second Facebook account under a slightly different name and use that one for friends.

Absolutely, she concurred.

Kids aren’t stupid. Parents can be though.

73

If your daughter attended school outside the home, she has long been aware that her peers have rights and responsibilities that far exceed what you’ve allowed her.
But what about you? Where are your peers? Are you friends with other parents in your area? Have you discussed and compared boundaries and expectations with your friends with children?

74

My head asplode.

I mean, this is starting to turn into a pile-on and I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said, but WTF!? I’d give a 14 year old more freedom than this poor girl has. And she’ll be 19 and only allowed to commute to school? How is it that nearly every other 18 year old in North America manages to live alone, hold a job, go to school by that point and this young woman can’t?

75

i’m sorry, what? you “maybe” realize that her having friends isn’t so bad? having a tight social circle is one of the healthiest and best things a person can have. yeah, i’d damn well say you should get used to her hanging out with them instead of sitting at home with mommy and daddy. that’s normal. she’s normal.

OP, you’re coming across as a nutjob. your kid is not going to stand for the crazy controlling crap for her whole life. it’s not your job to decide when she gets to have sex or when she gets to go into the real world. who’s to say she hasn’t already? i first had sex at age 17, living at home, with my parents asleep across the house, and my mom never knew til years later. happens every day.

you can’t put her in a plastic bubble for life. she will get hurt, she will have her heart broken, probably more than once. she may break a few hearts herself. the best thing you can do for her is let her live her life and be supportive when things fall apart. she needs to have these experiences for her to grow into a healthy adult. you’re stunting her.

76

Qin? Is that you? :wink:

77

Yes. I’m not a parent yet, so I really shouldn’t lecture, but I believe it’s also your responsibility as a parent to transition your children into independence. In my opinion, by the time they are 18, they should be more than capable of taking care of themselves, for the most part. I understand the want to shelter a loved one from all the bad things out there in the “real world,” but I don’t think you are doing the kid any favors by artificially extending their childhood, and you risk engendering resentment in her. An 18-year-old is not a “baby” by any stretch of the imagination. Honestly, if I may be blunt, from my perspective your attitude seems crazy to me. I mean, if I were in your household, 18 years old, and dealing with those circumstances, I would run as fast and far away as I could.

78

I do not think you are doing your daughter a favor by being so overprotective. Are you ever going to think she is ready for a life of her own? At what age? If she’s not even allowed to drive at 18 and you’re upset she might be dating…at what age will you consider her an adult able to make her own decisions?

79

Frans_L3, are you my mother from 12 years ago? Seriously; this sounds exactly like my parents. And speaking from the child’s perspective, I’ll tell you this much: your daughter probably resents the hell out of you..

My parents, like you and your husband were immigrants into a western country. I was a “first generation” child, so to speak. I was raised in England, speaking English, hanging out with English friends. But my parents still clung to the traditions of my grandparents and my parents’ grandparents, from back in the old country.

My parents were exactly how you describe yourself; I couldn’t go out and see my friends, if I did go out to school sanctioned events, my parents drove me there, were there at the exact scheduled end time, and if I was late, all hell broke loose. I was 18 years old, and “wasn’t allowed” a driver’s license because my parents thought I was “too young”. My mum used to refer to me as “my baby” or “my little girl”; my mum’s friends thought I was about 5 years old from the way she talked about me to them. I was 18/19 at the time.

By the time I was 18 and ready to move away to college, I resented my parents. I felt completely and utterly unprepared for life at college. I’d never been out on my own; I was petrified. It took me a very long time, and a lot of bad experiences to learn how to deal with things. It took a good 3 or so years for the relationship with my mother to mend itself, helped by the fact that my mum realized that what she’d done with me simply was not healthy and had caused more harm than good. And helped as well, by my own realization, of a clash of cultures, and my parents acting out of love rather than malice. But it took time. A lot of time.

After that, she let me make my own mistakes, she let me date a couple of guys, whom, in earlier days, she would have told me were absolutely no good, and that she didn’t like them and didn’t know what I saw in them, and if I loved her, I wouldn’t date them. She told me once we’d split up exactly what she thought of them. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me earlier, her response was “but you wouldn’t have learned anything that way.” She was right.

I understand that you and your husband love your daughter. I know that seeing her growing up and growing up fast hurts like hell. But please, if you love your daughter, and if you want to continue having a fantastic relationship with her, let her blossom and grow into the young woman that she is.

80

Congratulations, Frans, you and your husband have raised an 18 yo child. Unfortunately, it’s the job of parents to raise an adult.

She is not allowed to drive yet, and presumably won’t be until you decide she is ready? She will not be allowed to live away from home while in college- which is what your post implies? She is shy and bookish?

I didn’t drive until I was 18, and planned on living at home during school, I was painfully shy and bookinsh. My parents insisted that I leave home- 3 hours away in fact. It hurt. A lot. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grew up so much that first year: I learned how to live, how to buy food, do laundry, meet new people, build a strong circle of friends, negotiate a mindless administration.

I also had fights, failed my first paper ever (I had a 3.7 GPA in college, so it was a devastating thing). I wrecked my car being stupid in the snow, skipped classes, partied, studied, failed magnificently, got food poisoning, broke a leg, fell in love, made love for the first time, and had my heart broken into a million pieces. I know it was painful- profoundly painful- at the time. I can still feel that agony at seeing that ‘F.’ And is there anyone who doesn’t die just a little bit when their first love ends?

I am appalled that you think your role is to protect your child. It is not. It is to help them get back up when life beats them up. It is to teach them to be resiliant and self-reliant in the face of adversity. And that is exactly what my parents, lovingly did, when they told me it was time to leave. I didn’t want to go, and when I did, some of my worst and most painful memories resulted. But, so did some of my best. I wouldn’t trade any of them, good or bad, for all the world. Those painful errors and bad experiences have made me who I am. As one writer has said: “I’m stronger at the broken places.”

Give your daughter the same gift. Let her grow up, and be proud of the woman you have raised, but let her be herself. She will make decisions you would not; this is not disobediance, this is being human. Love her and trust her, whatever her decision.

She is not, and has not been a baby for at least 16 years. I wish children didn’t grow up, but they do.