I have a feeling that the OP is as isolated as her daughter, cut off from interaction with peers. Otherwise the advice shared here wouldn’t be such a surprise. Fran_L3, we can tell you what life was like for us as children and parents.
I lived at home until I graduated high school, and had a curfew of midnight, later if I attended an out of town concert or prom. My parents were strict and had high expectations, but they were not overprotective. And still, I couldn’t wait to get away from home and live autonomously. I had my driver’s license and first job at 16, and my own car by 17. Just before I turned 18, I drove myself to a women’s clinic for an exam and oral contraceptives. Although I could have discussed this with my mother, I chose to do this secretly, because I wanted some privacy and the chance to make my own decisions and/or mistakes. The only reason I wasn’t sexually active before that was because each and every one of my honor roll friends had been sexually active since 15 or 16, all had pregnancy scares, one caught a nasty STD, and a few experimented heavily with drugs and multiple partners and suffered serious damage to their reputations. I was exposed to absolutely everything you fear, and my parents never had a clue my friends were so wild. Very, very wild. And we were the good kids, cheerleaders, athletes, and honor roll students. By 18 I was sexually active with a boyfriend I planned to marry, I was working full time, attending a local college part time and full time depending on my work schedule, driving a beat up used car in decent running condition, and I was actively looking for a house to rent or lease-to-own. I was living alone in a neighboring town before my 19th birthday.
I was allowed to date at 16, and everyone I ever dated was five years older than me, because that was the age of my older sister’s more interesting and more mature friends. Alcohol was hard to come by before I was 21 so I rarely drank, I experimented a little with weed but no harder drugs. I didn’t drive drunk. I didn’t get pregnant. I didn’t break any laws. I kept my bank account balanced, bills paid, I ate well, and had my teeth cleaned on schedule. I struggled occasionally, had no savings for unexpected expenses like car trouble or medical issues, and borrowed money from my parents. But I had privacy, the free time to do as I pleased, and no heavy expectations or rules to follow save my own.I couldn’t wait to move out and be on my own and make my own decisions, and my parents were cool, modern thinking and affectionate people. But having my own life was and is the normal progression for kids growing up in the modern western world. My peers were doing the same. The handful of kids I knew that were raised like yours rebelled at every opportunity, were jealous of the freedoms their peers had, and resented their parents intrusive micro-management even if the parents did so out of love.
Concern and love are not enough justification for infantilizing your child. You do so at the risk of driving her away and causing her to keep things from you, and also at the expense of her ability to handle responsibility and adversity. Your job as a parent is to raise her, help her grow and learn how to handle the responsibilities of adulthood; not to keep her stunted and at home for your own entertainment. She isn’t merely an extension of you, or a product you and your husband created; she is an independent human being and deserving of respect.
