Just one tangible thing you can do to let your daughter grow up more is to NOT insist she call you every hour she is away. Let her prove to you that she really is the good daughter you’ve raised her to be and that she deserves your trust.
Other than that, don’t envision her maturity process as disrespect. Wanting to spend time apart from your parents is a very normal expansion of understanding social expectations and cues. It’s absolutely crucial to becoming a well-rounded adult.
Furthermore, you both would really benefit from her being able to get herself around and not depending on you so much. That would help you to also see her as the adult she has become.
Can I ask why she must call you every hour? You said she was a very responsible, good girl. I would only force someone to call me every hour if I didn’t trust them to behave themselves.
Your daughter is not a baby. She’s 18. I understand that she’s still living with you, but that does not mean she is a baby. Eighteen-year-olds have friends. They have boyfriends. They don’t like calling their parents every hour. They don’t like being treated like children.
If you don’t lighten up just a little and let her grow up, YOU will drive her away from you.
Honestly, I’d be more worried if my hypothetical daughter wanted to spend more time around me and the wife than hanging out with her friends. I love my folks, but the last thing I wanted to do when I was 18, or 17, or 16, or 15, etc. was to hang out with them all the time.
I think you need to explain to her what it appears like to you and make sure that she knows what this 25 year old man wants. She probably already knows these things, but some people can be very naive.
You cannot keep her from heartache, nor should you. But make sure she knows about human nature. And protection.
I think a good rule for an 18 yo old is that she has to tell you what time she will be home and call you if she’s going to be late. That was my rule when I was 18, living at home and not yet having sex by choice.
She’s been accepted to university but decided to take a year off and work. And we don’t want her own a car just yet.
This is the exact reason my husband and I have an issue with this man. T be quite frank, she has never had a boyfriend and has never had someone, I guess, take such an interest in her that I’m afraid he will take advantage of her. She doesn’t need that happening to her. And I will not let that happen to her.
We have explained our concerns to her but she keeps insisting that they are just ‘friends’. Quite frankly - my husband and I find that very hard to believe. What business would a 25 year old man have with an 18 year old little girl?
You don’t think maybe she resents that just a bit? Do you find it strange that she might resent that just a bit?
Does she have her driver’s license? How does she feel about the whole “we don’t want her to own a car just yet”? It kind of seems to me that it’s HER decision, if she should be able to afford it, to own a car or not, being 18 years old and an adult.
You can’t shield her from everything. At some point, she needs to make her own mistakes or she’ll never learn anything. That’s not to say that I’m telling you to not worry at all. But you need to let her make the mistakes she’s going to make, but be ready to support her if the whole thing ends up in the toilet.
She’s NOT a little girl. She’s an adult. And a seven-year difference isn’t THAT wide a gap. It’s not like he’s hitting on a 16-year-old.
ETA: Frankly, I think you might be heading for disaster, and it won’t be her or, probably, his fault. Why is she not used to social situations? Is that her natural inclination, or is it because you never let her have a social life outside of your immediate control? And if it’s the latter, you have no one but yourself to blame if the freedom of legal adulthood is too intense for her, or if she’s not prepared to deal with diverse situations. The job of a parent is to make themselves obsolete…the whole POINT of raising a child is supposed to be to propel that child into an independent, well-adjusted adulthood.
Oh, bullplop. She’s hanging out at a friend’s house, what could possibly happen to her? The whole point of this little exercise is this part:
If you’re going to be Controlly McControlpants (known to Daughter_L3’s friends as “Daughter’s Psycho Mom”), at least be honest about it. Your kid deserves that much respect.
I have a horrifying news flash for you: Anything this 25 year old guy wants from your daughter, guys her own age want, too. In fact, they probably want it a lot worse because they’re at peak testosterone production and have had far fewer opportunities to get it. And next year when she goes to University, she’s going to be surrounded by them. Alone. In her own living space. Without you hovering over her shoulder insisting she call every 30 minutes. And even if you call her, I can tell you for a fact that a 19 year old is perfectly capable of having a phone conversation with a guy’s hand down her shirt.
You need to get a grip and cut the umbilical cord already. Letting go to build her own life won’t estrange you from her. Acting like a crazypants and treating her like an untrustworthy toddler when she’s old enough to get married if she wants WILL. You yourself pulled away from your parents, and they pulled away from your grandparents–one of you pulled away enough to leave the whole freaking country. Are you parents or grandparents any less dear for that pulling away? Of course not, and you won’t be either.
Yes I do find that strange. I’ve explained to her my reasoning for why I would like for it to happen. She has said she doesn’t have a problem with it because she has nothing to hide.
No she doesn’t, we haven’t allowed her to because we don’t feel she’s ready to drive.
I agree that I can’t shield her from everything, but there are certain things that if I can prevent her from doing, im going to try my best to protect her and prevent her from doing it.
Thats what we’re trying to avoid.
Yes she is. She has not fully grown into an adult. Yes, i understand the law sees her as one, but 18? There’s so much out there that she should not be experiencing yet at just 18. She still needs to enjoy life before being thrust out into the real world and treated harshly out there
And 7 years? They are are at two completely different stages in their lives. This man has a career and she’s barely got her feet yet into what it is she wants to do with her life.
she has always been shy and quiet, and she’s had no interest in doing things after school or going out with friends. She was always about her schoolwork.
My job as parent is to protect her.
She is independent, to an extent and she was well-adjusted until she met these friends and this man
He wants to date her. He wants to spend time with her. He wants to have sex with her.
She wants to date him. She wants to spend time with him. She wants to have sex with him. Well, I don’t know about that for sure, but, well, she’s 18. It’s likely. That’s what business he has with her. And it’s none of your business. Seriously, I need to repeat that: it’s none of your business.
My view is that you should let your adult daughter be an adult. She apparently wants you to be part of her adult life - she’s telling you a lot more than most adults tell their parents - so grab that chance. Meet the guy. Oh, I know he won’t be good enough for your “little [18yo] baby” but then, who would? Invite him round for dinner.
If you continue to treat her like a child, you’re going to lose her. You’re getting hourly calls, supposedly from her friend’s house, but what she’s doing in between those calls and IF she’s where she says she is are beyond your control. If you continue to try to control her like that, you’re going to push her out of your life completely. Barring some bizarre aspect of the situation that you haven’t told us about, you’re going to have to trust her to do the right thing, or at least the right thing for her. If you’re confident that you gave her the tools to make good decisions, you have to trust her to use them. If you didn’t give her those tools, then no amount of looming nosiness is going to keep her from making mistakes.