2 dates, then THE TALK, now what?

Seems like a bad idea to become emotionally attached to someone who has told you she is emotionally unavailable.
She felt like she was cheating on someone while being with you? That’s not good.
I hate to say it, but this is probably going nowhere. If my best friend described this situation to me I’d tell him to put it in reverse and back away from this situation.

Run. Run away now. Don’t stop running.

She’s TELLING you she’s crazy, in many ways both small and large. You have to listen.

Man, does all of this sound familiar.

I have dated seven girls in my life (for my definition of “dated”), five of them never made it past the third date (or earlier in some cases) (of the remaining two, I’ve been married to one for ten years). I’m also in a lot smaller place than NYC, so I’m sure sometime a person who doesn’t need us to psychoanalyze the relationship (ie no problems or questions) will come along.

I’m picturing the following:

Minister: “And do you, Annika Hansen, take …”
You (in your head): “Hansen! So that’s her last name!”

Ok, tell me if I’m wrong, but isn’t OKcupid a dating site? And she went looking on a dating web site to find you? Then she tells you she’s “undateable?”

IMO, this isn’t a red flag, it’s a freaking marching band.

If she had met you in any other way, that didn’t broadcast that she was looking for a date, I’d think otherwise, but this doesn’t even sound like someone with baggage, it sounds like someone who’s working some kind of con.

I’d suggest you ask her point blank why she was on OKcupid if she was considering herself undateable.

She considers herself undatable because

a. she’s emotionally invested in someone that she thinks she would have hooked up with if she didn’t have to move across the country (and I think she’s trying to figure out a way to somehow return to him?)
b. despite not hooking up, she seems to think she’s obligated to him anyway
c. she’s flat broke, but has too much pride to allow me to even buy her a slice of pizza, let alone something that a real date would cost. Those two concerts we went to were free.

I do really respect her for telling me this before I got TOO invested in her. It’s a sign that she at least cares about my feelings or is worried about hurting me. And I do admit, I was moving way too fast with all of this, so she may have got more than she was bargaining for too.

She’s 2 months older than me, we’re both 30. There Amy, just in case there was any doubt, if you managed to find this thread :stuck_out_tongue:

Oh, and she said she was trolling okcupid simply for someone new to talk to. Once we quickly established that both of us were huge classical music geeks, she mentioned that concert, and that’s how all of that got started. For someone not wanting to date, she was doing an awful lot of flirting with me though…

WTF would she feel such need to unload all this baggage on you so soon (after SPOONING and light conversation as opposed to just before or even just after SEX or any other potential indication of anything more serious :confused:)

I agree, it is because she is CRAZY/SCAMMING and/or NOT emotionally available. So WTF is she DATING?

Lose this one…she is, apparently, still hung up on “Mark” who wasn’t even, to hear her tell it, that significant of a relationship. She is using you to fish for support and/or test the waters (deep, dark, CRAZY waters you don’t even want to dip your toe in! :eek:) OR is out to rip you off.

Jesus, I am a WIDOW from a VERY significant 23 yr relationship and even I wouldn’t jump right in baring my soul to some guy I’d only met twice and maybe spooned with. I mean, I wouldn’t HIDE my past, but I wouldn’t make it the focus of the evening and probably wouldn’t even bring it up unilaterally at that point.

Yeah, put on your running shoes.

BTW, she focused mainly on point c (and also point d, which was that she wasn’t sure how much longer she was going to remain a New Yorker) during the introductions, up until we had the big 4 hour TALK Tuesday night, when she first explained points a and b.

We kept joking about how that first date on Monday night would be referred to as an “un-date” … but then her attitude seemed to change after she actually met me, and seemed up for having an actual DATE the next night. I’m still not sure what officially constitutes a date, vs two people going to a concert together. The actual spooning originated mainly from a mutual desire to get warm once we got inside my house (it was in the 20s that night), as opposed to any unwritten obligation.

…how is someone ripping me off when they refuse to let me pay for ANYTHING?

Four hours? It took four hours for her to say, “Hey, I’m kinda carrying a torch for this friend and might not be ready to date”?

Diosa nailed it.

I’ve seen this a million times. Unless you want a new friend, you’ve gotta stop talking to her. Now. Seriously. And you’ve got to take her down from her pedestal. “I’m amazed she’s still talking to me?” Really? You did nothing wrong!

Tell her to sort out her shit and come back later.

Classic set up…same way she is slowly sucking you in with her hesitant yet on the other hand rather rapid and transparent suggestions of sexual favors (oh, it’s SOOO cold, let’s spoon instead of turning up the heat or fetching blankets:rolleyes:) Spooning leads to forking, you know…yeah, so does she.

I will just say it, even though I could be wrong; she’s a whore, playing you for all she thinks she can get. AND/OR she is just crazy/emotionally burdened. Either way, DTMFA.

Even if she is just honestly messed up with no ulterior motives, you will be doing both of you a favor.

Basically, I don’t even know why this thread is still open. That’s the answer you need, fuyosa. She said she’s undatable. What is there left to discuss?

This made me laugh, good one!

I must agree. I’ve seen this scenario play out far too many times and it has never, ever turned out well.

“I’m undatable” means exactly what it sounds like. She might be looking for an ego stroke or a backup plan or something to pass the time or she just wants to get laid and won’t admit it to herself, but she is not relationship material. At least not with you. Save yourself the pain and the crazy. You can find someone who actually wants you, instead of Mark.

It is a very common con technique, for EXACTLY the thought process you are showing here. They aren’t ripping you off, they’re conditioning you to think about them a certain way (poor, but honorable) so they can rip you off for more later on. Remember, “con” is short for “confidence game”, earn your confidence so they can exploit it. It’s an otherwise silly movie, but “Still Breathing” with Brendan Fraser shows how a con can work.

Also, although cons are usually about money, that’s not necessarily the only reason to play a con game. The payoff may be in seeing how far they can yank your emotional chain, for example.

“It’s a sign that she at least cares about my feelings or is worried about hurting me.”

No, it’s a sign that she wants you to think that she cares about your feelings. If she truly was concerned about anyone’s feelings, she wouldn’t be on a dating site if she wasn’t interested in dating.

“Oh, and she said she was trolling okcupid simply for someone new to talk to”

Lot’s of places to do that which aren’t dating sites.

You know - she didn’t tell Mark this because she thinks you’re a great guy. I mean, she may think that, who knows. But she wasn’t just making idle chit chat with the guy she really wants to be with when she casually mentioned that she’d met someone else.

Remember, I only know what she’s told me. She may have not said anything to Mark at all, or may have told him that I was some crazy freak. For all I know, Mark may not actually exist at all.

Yes, it’s ironic that I’M the one reminding myself of that.

Merneith, what are you getting at?

If she did say it to a guy she’s interested in, she’s trying to make him jealous or at least to demonstrate that she’s desirable.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read this.

Having not read the thread, I’m assuming this has already been mentioned but… She told you she was ‘undateable’ then she gave you the song and dance about Mark.
I wrote a big long thread with all different scenarios, but it all boils down to this. Get rid of her. It’s just not worth it. Here’s the thing about OKC…you’ll meet the ‘perfect woman’, whatever that may mean to you. Then, three days later, there will be another ‘perfect woman’. So why stick with the one that has issues sounds like she’s already planning to cheat or leave you in the near future when the next one probably won’t.

I really don’t listen to Maya Angelou that often, but she did say something exactly like this. When someone says something bad about themselves, don’t try to convince them that it’s not true, thank them for being honest. This will prevent you from being hurt in the future.

For example, if someone says “Sorry I’m late, I can’t ever seem to get anywhere on time” don’t say “That’s not true, you were on time last week”, instead say “Thanks for letting me know” and walk away with the knowledge that you have to plan accordingly in the future.