2 dates, then THE TALK, now what?

Ah, it feels so good to be doing a MPSIMS dating rant again.

So Friday night, Amy (not her real name) finds my okcupid profile and sends me a couple of IMs. I’m already asleep so I don’t get them til early Saturday (I had to work all day). Finally we catch up Saturday night, have a day and a half of amazing IM conversation (where she kept warning me that she’s UN-DATABLE due to some circumstances in her life), and we set an “un-date” for Monday night at a concert. This meeting goes incredibly well, and after the show we go get some pizza up the street (despite being incredibly broke, she wouldn’t even let me pay for her $2 slice) and decide that we both want to return for tomorrow night’s show.

The next night, the same thing, except this time we ARE calling it a date. Once the show gets out, we decide to go someplace private (and warm) to talk. We settle on my place. Keep in mind, this is my first 2nd date in almost 4 years, so I was already into unfamiliar territory.

After some clothed spooning and lite chit-chat, she has a breakdown and tells me that if this is going any further, there’s some stuff she has to be honest with me about. She gives me the option of putting off the talk and letting her go home, but being the curious guy I am, I ask her to proceed.

She goes on this long story about her best friend (lets call him Mark), from her old town. The night before she had to move to NYC (over the summer), due to some family issues which needed her help, the two of them finally came very close to hooking up, and then before they could explore that, she had to leave in an emergency, and hasn’t seen him since (although she’s still kept in contact with him, and did tell him about meeting a great guy last night). She hasn’t been on any other dates since then, so this was the first, and she wasn’t sure what to expect. She said everything with me was going great, except that when I was holding her hand during the show, it felt strange to her, as if she was cheating on Mark, and that one of the reasons she declared herself undateable is that she is “emotionally unavailable” right now. However, she wishes that wasn’t the case and would love to pursue a relationship with me. As for me, if she could get her baggage in line, she’d be my dream girl, so if there’s any chance of this working, I want to try. We were talking almost the entire night, until we ran out of energy to even do that, and then the next morning, we had to hurry off to our jobs.

We were both dead tired yesterday, so every moment I wasn’t at work, I spent trying to catch up on sleep. We’ve conversed on AIM a bit, but it seems like it’s been nothing but small talk, and I really have no idea how to proceed. I’m in fact amazed she’s still talking to me at all.

So…now what?

Proceed, slowly, on the assumption that she cannot get her baggage in line. Figure out if you can like that person, because that’s what you’ve got right now. Otherwise, I predict a long and frustrating time on hold.

I don’t know— seems like a bad sign that she wouldn’t give you her real name.

Sounds like you’ve found yourself a crazy one. That’s a whole lot of drama for someone you’ve met twice. Proceed with caution.

I just didn’t use any real names because I have a lingering suspicion she might be a doper (yes, I said DREAM GIRL). Although, she did seem to take pride in the fact that she hasn’t told me her last name yet - question…how long after dating someone are you supposed to know their last name?

The second oldest SDMB adage should be adhered to in this situation. I have no doubt you’ll completely ignore it, but I might as well reiterate it.

Don’t stick your dick in the crazy.

Um usually it’s in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. Not telling someone your last name is just odd.

Maybe she’s scared of you learning her true name and being banished to the pits of hell.

edit - Damn you lindsay for beating me to that. I swear I was just going to type that in.

I would think she should have told you her last name on the first date. I don’t think she is ready for a relationship and you would just be the rebound-guy and you are bound to get really hurt.

Vinyl Turnip - Well done!

lindsaybluth - I have to bite - what’s the oldest? “Run! Don’t walk!”?

Thank you for the laugh, I needed one today!

I would say the next time you IM her start asking her little things. You already seem to know things about her, why not her full name?

I agree with the don’t stick your dick in the crazy. Wait a while before getting physical. It adds a whole different attachment and if the social stuff doesn’t work out the physical stuff will make it harder to break things off.

I wish you luck with this and I’m happy you got a second date. Please, take it slowly.

Thanks for nearly making me spray yoghurt out of my nose!

@OP, she sounds like a bit of a drama queen, baby steps might be required here, even if she decides to proceed with you she might be stuck with ‘what could have been’ rattling around her head.

P.S. Try calling her ‘Kebert Xela’ and see what happens.

I once told my sister that if you met someone through Alcoholics Anonymous, you were not allowed to know their last name, even if you were dating them. Because it’s, you know, anonymous.

She believed me.

But, yeah, I think first date = last name. I know what it’s like to be so excited to meet someone, but can you look into the future and think, “Yes, kids. I knew your Mom was the one for me right away. I didn’t know her last name for weeks, though.” That is a hefty set of luggage there.

Heh, I was thinking “Hi, Opal!” but that’s a meme, not an adage. “Run, Don’t walk!” must be it then.

OP, please don’t work yourself up since this is your 2nd date in 4 years. Tell her you’ll wait for her to sort out her issues with this guy and she can let you know when she has. Walk away and wait. If she really likes you, she’ll come back to you.

If someone tells you who they are, believe them.

You’ve had two dates and you think of her as your “dream girl”? Whoa, slow down there, big fella!

You’re not falling in love with her, I think; you’re falling in love with your own idea of her, a romantic fantasy. You’re falling in love with the idea of being in love. You hardly know her, and what you do know about her has elements of drama and difficulty, which is in itself tremendously romantic!

She’s trying to warn you off. Not entirely, but she sounds like she’s trying to give you a fair idea of what lies ahead. So slow down. No more computer or phone contact, I’d suggest, except to establish your next face-to-face meeting. Try to be realistic about what you’ve got here. And try to get your head around the idea that you might be saying good-bye to her.

Lindsay, your advice sounds perfect to me right now. I have a bad tendency to hurry things, and I think I just need to sit back and let her come back to me, if she does. I’m still not sure how to handle things in the short term though. I hate just cutting people out of my life like that…

BTW, it’s my first SECOND date in 4 years. I’ve been on a couple of 1st dates that didn’t make it to a 2nd (as well as a 3 year relationship before that, and a couple of flings with a very-former ex).

Red Flags:
we…have a day and a half of amazing IM conversation**. I have nothing against online relationships, or doing the majority of conversation via chat - it happens these days. But “amazing IM conversation”, at its very best, is never a sign that She Is The One. Do not hang your hat on Amazing IM Conversation - its load capacity is a pair of headphones.

she kept warning me that she’s UN-DATABLE due to some circumstances in her life. This is a problem. A big problem. She’s already given you fair warning that her interest lies elsewhere, despite how well you two get along.

this is my first 2nd date in almost 4 years. This is also a big red flag. Your eagerness and excitement are great - but they’re way more optimistic than the situation calls for. Don’t try to force this, because you’re going to be tempted to.

she’s still kept in contact with him, and did tell him about meeting a great guy last night. This right there tells me she’s carrying a majorly bright torch for this guy - they talk extremely frequently, share intimate details, and she totally wants to bang him. This is a very bad sign.

when I was holding her hand during the show, it felt strange to her. You know why it felt strange to her? Because it was the second date and you’re holding her hand at a concert - and there’s another guy out there she was thinking about the entire time.

she is “emotionally unavailable” right now. To you. She’s emotionally unavailable to you. It sucks, but she’s given you fair warning all week long.

As for me, if she could get her baggage in line, she’d be my dream girl,. After two dates? She might be - but with all these red flags, you need to dial your expectations waaaaay back. Don’t force it.

how long after dating someone are you supposed to know their last name? Uhhhh… First date, dude.

Hey, good luck. Never been in your situation but lots of good friends have been. Don’t wanna see ya hurt.

You have to cut her out, though. I know that you know that deep down, you just have to act on it. Like I said, she will come back once she works out her issues if she’s right for you. I’ve seen this happen. I’ve also seen the crazy person spiral out of control. I’m sure you know these are both possible outcomes. But armed with that knowledge, you can make the right choice for you.

When I was in grad school, pre-Internet, I dated one or two girls who turned out to have boyfriends in other places. No big deal, since I never got attached to them. Two things can happen: she can decide she prefers this faraway guy, or she can decide she prefers someone right there. But, definitely don’t get too attached after two dates.
Best thing to do is to contact her if there is something fun to do together, perhaps in a couple of weeks, and don’t contact her to force a third date. Being desperate is a big turn-off. But definitely answer anything she sends to you, at the same level.

Am I missing something? She considers herself loaded down with baggage and OMG UNDATABLE because she almost hooked up with a friend 8 months ago? That’s it? That’s the big reveal?

And, after hearing this, you’re surprised she’s still talking to you? Why is that?
How old is this girl?