You all seem fairly sane and I need advice. I’m writing this on my phone because I’m I’m the middle of moving so I’ll be brief. This is me:
Middle school: good kid. Fairly introverted. Friends with nerdy kids. Very concerned with doing well in school. Relatively happy.
High school: lots of booze and weed. A-/A average. Partied with non-nerdy kids. Attractive girlfriend. Unstable relationship but relatively happy.
Senior year: got in to good school in Chicago. Started doing cocaine. Unhappy with some things in my life but very outgoing and comfortable in my own skin. Good social circle, pleased with life.
Beginning of college: heavy drug use. 3-5 day binges without sleep. Began with decent friends but eventually only associated with drug addicts. Nearly arrested more than once. Can’t get laid to save my life. Forced by school to go to rehab.
Rehab: 30 day program turns in to 9 months. Unhappy with circumstances but confident that things will improve. Fairly well-liked by drug addicts despite being introverted and obsessively intellectual. Convince good school to take me back.
School #2: A average returns. Attractive girlfriend. Very little social life. Still have a handful of friends from freshman year. Start taking anti-depressants. Very emotionally unstable.
Today: less attractive but very nice girlfriend. Good job. About to return to school to take hard classes (junior year). No friends. Everyone that still talked to me when I first came back seems to have lost interest now that I’m no longer fucking up my life in amusing ways. No real friends at work. Feel like I can’t relate to anyone because all I do with my time is sit around and study or work on projects tangentially related to work/school. Extremely unhappy.
Today is my 21st birthday. Almost no one that I’m not sleeping with or biologically related to has called to say hi or express any particular interest in the fact that I’m alive. I feel like the only way that I’ve ever had any kind of non-sexual relationship with another human being has been somehow mediated by drugs and alcohol. I fucking hate being this good little worker drone and I just want to go out to a bar and have a legal drink like a normal human being.
It’s undeniable that drugs ruined my life, and I never want to be the kind of drug addict that I was ever again. But god, I’m not happy with my sober life.
Would it be so bad for me to go out and have a Corona?
Yes, because given your past behavior, it wouldn’t be a Corona. And given that you are trying to cover up pain, it wouldn’t be a Corona.
Find a group of people that tends to be universally accepting (the SCA - Society for Creative Anachronisms is generally such a group) and spend time with them. Volunteer organizations are usually accepting - and volunteering with those less fortunate might help you feel less sorry for yourself.
About another sober year from now, find a copy of A Better Way to Drink by Wayne Bartz. (No, it’s not a joke; Dr. Bartz is an old semi-colleague who doesn’t believe in the absolutes of the AA credo.)
I don’t want to encourage anyone to go off the wagon unnecessarily, but I’ve known a lot of “alcoholics” who haven’t had a drink since they were 20. Just maybe they’re more into the meetings and self-flagellation than reality…
ETA: corrected book title, noted the second edition is by the co-author only.
I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. I’m not saying “I’m sad and I think that if I was drunk frequently I wouldn’t feel sad so much.” It’s just that I’ve spent a pretty decent chunk of time doing all of the things they teach you to do in rehab in order to have a normal life and, for a variety of reasons, I’ve found my life to still be pretty boring and unsatisfying other than the academic/professional parts. Going on lots of coffee dates on Wednesday afternoons isn’t really as satisfying/conducive to bonding as getting a beer with a buddy on Friday night.
I’ve also had pretty much zero contact with anyone of my own gender since I got out of rehab. I don’t really know if there’s a social activity for heterosexual 20 year old males that doesn’t involve weed or beer. I used cocaine/heroin/benzos/etc by myself whenever I had the chance but almost never alcohol. I did a lot of dumb shit when I was drunk, but many 17 year olds do dumb shit when they’re drunk.
Is it really possible for me to conclude that I’m an alcoholic when I checked in to treatment at 18?
Possible? Certainly. Likely? I wouldn’t bet against it. Absolutely? No way.
I think most who end up tagged (or self-tagged) “alcoholic” at very young ages are more likely to be young idiots who had access to booze and took it off a cliff, the way teens will do with anything from booze to drugs to driving to extreme sports to sex to whatever. I don’t think it means you’re tagged an alky for life (except in AA-think, which I largely disagree with).
You’re just now to the age where someone responsible would be drinking lightly and socially. It would be a deep, possibly tragic, potentially lethal mistake to start drinking for the wrong reasons - like pain relief or emotional release. But I think you could consider light, controlled, friend- or partner-supervised drinking in the next year or two, and would not be surprised to have you learn you can control it easily.
Or not; maybe you’re an alky to your bones and shouldn’t have cherries jubilee much less a beer. The key is moderation, sensibility and someone close and trustworthy enough that they will watch you and you will listen to them while you experiment.
If I knew a safe antidote to emotional pain I’d tell you where to find it.
I don’t know if you are an alcoholic. I do know that if you are expecting alcohol to make your life less boring and more satisfying you are heading down the wrong path.
Alcohol never improves anything in your life other than your arrest record. You’re not talking about going out for a beer; you’re talking about how being sober is boring. Translation: you want to go get drunk/high and think it will solve your problems, which are really NOT problems. If you’re bored, it’s your own damned fault. Stop doing boring things and do something that interests you; oddly enough, when you do that you’ll run into other people who have the same interests.
In 20 years, when you’ve nearly got enough money in the bank to retire, your alcoholic/druggie acquaintances will still be bitching about how it’s everyone else’s fault that they have nothing to show for themselves. You’re young, you’ve dodged a major bullet, and you’re on the right path. Keep it up.
You know it’s a bad idea and you are looking to strangers to give you permission to drink for your birthday. You and I both know you won’t leave it at your birthday. Don’t drink today. Don’t drink tomorrow. Get through one day at a time. Best wishes and Happy Birthday!
First: Happy Birthday! Make this a good year for yourself, you’re on the right track.
I’ve never had a problem with drugs or alcohol but I nonetheless have gone many years of my life only having only a couple drinks per year. I’ve never had any problems making and maintaining friends, however, even as a sober 21-year-old. Now, dating a regular drinker, I drink more and go out to bars, but have yet to make a friend at one (though I’ve made plenty of friendly acquaintances). I also know a lot of people who don’t drink or smoke weed, who have friends who do, often, and it’s not a hindrance.
Alcohol is not part of what is missing in your life. Friends are important to your health and happiness, and I absolutely understand why you want to solve this problem! ‘Going out’ and having a drink or two at a local bar can be a way to meet people, for people who don’t have substance abuse problems (for people with substance abuse problems, the bar becomes a place where you make enemies, all too often). But it is not essential. You can ‘go out’ to a hell of a lot of events and places which will allow you to connect with guys around your age. You can drink at these events, or not, it’s not that big a deal.
I’d focus on figuring out some kind of hobby or pursuit which will let you to interact with a social group with the same interest. That’s an iron-clad way to make healthy friendships. Also, I’m assuming your girlfriend isn’t a shut-in - can you socialize through her friend group? Maybe most of her friends are girls, but they are bound to have boyfriends, male friends and brothers who you might enjoy the company of. Do more fun things with your GF and invite other people.
There is nothing wrong with drinking and having a good time, but there is something wrong with using alcohol as a means to an end: whether it’s trying to lose feelings of sadness and depression, attempting to be more social, loosening sexual inhibitions, or if you feel you need it to have a good time or to relax. All of those are unhealthy things which will lead you down the path of heavy drinking and usually, making mistakes you regret when you are drinking.
Happy Birthday to you and congratulations on your progress so far.
I strongly urge you not to drink today or for a good long while.
There are plenty, PLENTY of activities that you can do with heterosexual males and have a good time. I made it all the way to 21 having lots of fun with friends both male and female without ever drinking recreationally. You can find groups of people who love to play board, card and video games. You can get into intramural sports if you want. You can join movie and tv types who like to watch shows and movies and critique them together. You can get into the music scene and go watch local musicians perform with folks who enjoy that. You could get into standup comedy either directly or just by watching it.
Entertain yourself with things that interest you. Make a list of things you like to do. The friends who like to do those things as well will come eventually, but you absolutely should not rely on others to make you happy. I know what it’s like to be bummed out on your birthday, to not receive a single phone call from one of your friends. It hurts. But you’ll get over it.
Hell just a few months ago I posted a whiney little thread about how I was disappointed in my friends for not doing more for my birthday. And I got over it. But it hurts. You will too.
You can make new friends, you can find new activities. But you have to be happy with yourself and your own interests first. Don’t rely on other people to make you happy. And especially don’t rely on drugs and alcohol.
This always seems to happen with young people and birthdays. OP, for the past 20 years, people have made a big deal out of your birthday, but after 20, it stops. That’s the way of the world. It’s not that nobody loves you or cares about you; it’s that nobody loves or cares about your birthday.
So don’t get so down on yourself. You’re normal. You’re going through a normal experience. This is just how it works. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Alcohol is not a solution to your loneliness. Go find an AA group now. Talk to them about it. And talk to a therapist about it.
Remember that if you want friends, you have to go out and find them. You say you are an introvert. So am I. I have to make the effort to pick up the phone - and sometimes is really is an effort. But pick up the phone and call someone. Open up at a group. There are people out there who would love to spend time with you. But they have to hear that you want to spend time with them too.
Yep, you need to fix your life, but what does drinking have to do with that? Millions of people are non drinkers by choice, not because of any past problems with substances. What would give you the idea that drinking is the holy grail of happiness?
