That actually made me snort out loud. 
After defeating/killing all the terrorists in the world, Jack’s work load drops off drastically and he starts work as a pizza delivery guy to pick up some extra cash.
“30 minutes or less! Don’t put it in a box! THERE’S NO TIME!!”
Jack grabs pizza and runs for his car
Later, after delivering the pizza and almost shooting the customer in the thigh for not having the exact amount, Jack runs back towards his car. He reaches for the door and freezes, looking around intently. He begins to sniff and cautiously lifts his foot. He finds dog shit on the bottom of his shoe. He looks around, sees a dog a few feet away. He immediately drops to the ground and rolls behind the car, drawing his gun. Slowly and carefully, he reaches for his cell phone and punches in Tony’s number.
Urgently whispering, “Tony, it’s Jack. I’ve got dog shit on my shoe. Repeat. I’VE GOT DOG SHIT ON MY SHOE! Assemble a team–I’m sending my coordinates to you now. I’ve got the perp in my sights–sending you an image. Give it to Chloe and have her run a trace ASAP. He sorta looks like Benji.”
The dog sees Jack and starts towards him, tail wagging.
“Tony, I’ve been spotted. I’m going dark. Get here as soon as you can.”
Clock flashes on screen: 12:35
Cue commericals.
"Tony, it’s Jack. I have the terrorists in sight. Get Chapelle to assemble a team of agents right now. The terrorists have nuclear materials. Repeat: The terrorists have nuclear materials. Make sure no one else knows. Especially the public. The last thing we want to do is cause a panic. The code to detonate the missiles is 35-alpha-38573. Ya got that?
"What?
“Um, is this 555-2078?”
In the same vein with the ‘they never go to the bathroom’ stuff, I would think it would be pretty funny if somebody mumbles ‘I’ll be right back’ in a fairly dull moment. Then, about a minute later, someone else rushes in with news… “OMG, the terrorists called again – they want the plans for the latest spy bomber and the missile defense project, or they’ll set off the earthquake machine and collapse every building in Los Angeles. We need to tell him that we’re working on getting the security clearance. Where’s _______?”
“Umm… I think he took a leak.” (Points at an out-of-the-way door.)
(bursts in) “Hey, we got a big emergency here!!”
“I’m on the can here!”
“THERE’S NO TIME FOR THAT!!”
(fill in the names as appropriate.)
I have nothing to offer except this transcription of a recent Foxtrot cartoon as best as I remember it:
Panel One: from TV: The following takes place between 8 am and 9 am.
Panel Two: from TV: ZZZZZZ…
Panel Three: from TV: ZZZZZZ…
Panel Four: from TV: ZZZZZZ…
Roger: Jack Bauer forgot to set his alarm clock.
Andy: Oh, my.
[sub]©2006 Bill Amend (more or less)[/sub]
As Jack is waiting to be debriefed, an agent walks into the room to find him messing with his phone. Jack says to him, “Hey, I never noticed this - did you know you can put this thing on vibrate?”
I’d pay to see that on screen.
Why would Jack be calling one of those fake 555 numbers?
7:04:23…
Logan: Jack, where are you off to?
Jack: Off to get this broken rib fixed, what’s up Mr President?
Logan: I’ve got a special job for you, we want you to go to Afghanistan and get Osama Bin Laden.
Jack: This rib can wait, I’ve got 23 other good ones. I’m on my way.
7:21:45…Jack lands at Afghanistan airport. Finds a helicopter, and lands in the middle of Afghanistan. Buys a camel and rides off.
7:35:12…
Jack: [hoarse whisper]I’m inside the cave. I can see him.
Chloe: Jack, get out now.
Jack: No, I’m staying here. He has a stick of dynamite attached to a cell phone. It looks like a Nokia. Here, I’ll send you a photo.
Chloe: Yea, it’s a Nokia 3200-DLX. Just a second, I’ll get the access codes. click…click…
Jack: Hurry, I think they see me.
Chloe: Here Jack, try this…5498770#1.
8 terrorists point their grenade launchers at Jack.
Jack punches in code.
Kablooyie!!!
7:57:54
Jack, while pulling out a live grenade from his right arm, says “Mr President, he won’t be a problem anymore. I have some good news for you…”
“…I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”
It would be still more ironic if it was for Allstate.
With David Palmer.
And Sherry.