I’m stuck at home with giardia, and I just finished a marathon run of Jack Bauer’s latest adventure-- I feel like the parasites inside my intestines are causing the 24 producers to violently excrete sloppy, stinking turds, as well.
I mean 24 has always been stupid, but you can always manage to suspend your disbelief because it is in-your-face visceral fun. I could not manage that this time. We’ve all come to accept that everyone on the show but Jack is a blithering idiot, but they’ve really outdone themselves this time. If they had replaced the people in charge with that Down-syndrome guy Brady, I don’t think we’d have noticed! Where to begin…
Why do they have to write the vice president as a raving apocalyptically-mad lunatic? “There’s a fly in my soup! NUKE THAT COUNTRY THAT FAYED COMES FROM! DO IT NOW!” Why does everyone go along with it? Have they all taken a drink from the crazy water cooler? What? What? What?
Why do they have to write the Russian president as a raving apocalyptically-mad lunatic? “OH MY GOD! YOU LOST A CHIP THAT BELONGS TO OUR NUCLEAR BOMB THAT OUR GENERAL USED TO KILL THOUSANDS OF YOUR CITIZENS! WE ARE OUTRAGED! IT MIGHT WEAKEN US AGAINST THE CHINESE! SO WE CHOOSE TO GO TO WAR WITH YOU, AMERICA! BECAUSE THAT IS BETTER FOR US! WAR! WAR! WAR! YES I AM A RAVING MAD PLOT DEVICE! NRRARG!”
Why do they have to write the Chinese as raving apocalyptically-mad lunatics? “Yeeeees, we shall gain an advantage over Russia by attacking the United States of America, on their soil, with Chinese-looking people, in their central anti-terrorism agency, on a day when they’ve just had a nuclear bomb explode in their country. I am sneaky Chinese plot device! We gain small advantage by committing act of war against most powerful country in the world. Hehehehehehe!”
That’s not even counting dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of tremendously impossible and stupid things that happen within the show that I guess we’ve become used to (Jack, you left your dad with a minor wound and the freakin’ Russian chip right next to a working boat with minutes to get away… if you even pretend to act surprised when he shows up next season, I will shoot you in the thigh). But the very premise of the season is just about as sensical as a surrealist cartoon, with everyone being pulled to and fro in the air, arms and legs dangling and flopping to crazy clown music. You start to think that the writers are now actively spitting in our faces, and even my normally high-powered 24 blinders can’t shield me from that.
And I bet George W. Bush feels smart watching this show (“See? I only invaded Fayed’s country [or the one next to it… you know the ‘evil’ one]. I’m not a madman!”)