My parents contacted the parents of the kids I had a few problems with. We went to their house and talked about the problems. It really broke the ice enough to become friends with them. This was in the late 70’s in a middle class area.
My parents were fantastic.
I was shunned in 6th grade, so I know how this can feel. Talking to her teachers or school administrators may help, but bringing the bullies out into the open might make things worse; you’ll need to be on the lookout for that. I hate to offer the big passive-aggressive solution, but is there any chance you could move her to one of the schools her friends moved to, or did they move totally away?
Ask her if she wants to try a fresh start somewhere else, after all there are other schools. Sometimes the best solution is to just start over, no harm, no foul. Nothing wrong with recognizing that things are out of control here, in ways no one can really control. If my kid was finding school so uncomfortable it be my very first thought.
Good Luck!
I actually mentioned this to her this morning but she said no, that she liked the school and had a good friend and just hated some of her classmates.
Her friends moved to another city, another province and one of them is about a 30 minute drive from our house and we try to get them together as often as possible but even they are drifting apart due to lack of similar interests.
She is also in Girl Guides and has two friends there. I have been meaning to try to get her together with them outside of Guides.
I went through this too. My school system was organized K-6, then a 7-8 middle school, and 9-12 high school. Is that how your daughter’s school system is structured? Because things became a whole lot better in junior high, since I met new kids from other elementary schools who cared about the things I did.
And I agree with all the people who suggested looking for things to do outside of school. You said she’s a tomboy–is she athletic? I’d pick a sport like track or tennis, rather than being one of a group–more chance for exclusion.
Ruh-roh, were getting to the root of the matter. Self-appointing yourself the jr. teacher rubs nearly ALL kids the wrong way, not just the mean girls. Why would she decide to place herself in charge unless she wanted to be the person responsible for the inevitable disagreements? Why did she think things needed to get organized and it was her job?
I hate to side with the mean girls but she was bossy, superior, and presumptuous to appoint herself Organizer of the Song List then get butthurt when the class expected her to stand by her self-appointed role and resolve their differences.
Eta: I was shunned in the 6thgrade myself.
Yeah to the Ruh-roh. If that’s not your place in 6th grade society, and everyone knows exactly whose place it is (read:POPULAR girls), then just be invisible. No, that’s not a technique for getting ahead in life or your education, but it will however get you thru the hell that is 6th and 7th grade.
When I encountered this sort of bullying, my mother explained to me that some people need to feel better about themselves, and they achieve this by knocking down others. Explain this to your daughter. It helped me a bit to imagine what, exactly, was so wrong with these people that they had to pick on me?! Bonus points if she can work up the nerve to turn the tables on them: “What is so wrong with you, that you need to pick on me to feel better about yourself?”
I agree with Shodan in that maybe some martial arts training might help. (If she’s a tomboy, she’d probably enjoy it.) That will inspire confidence, and they are singling her out simply* because they can.* Maybe if she had the internal knowledge that “I could whoop you if I wanted to,” maybe she’d carry herself differently. Less like a victim. If she is apologizing when they yell at her, she is playing the part of the victim, and that will need to stop!
I never learned physical self defense, I learned the value of a well-slung insult. If she’s smart and funny, maybe she can turn the tables that way. Get a good one in, and the class will be laughing with her, not at her!! 
Once I got it in my head that these people were not my friends, and weren’t going to be, no matter how much I kowtowed, it was easier to put them in their place. They weren’t physical bullies, luckily for me, and standing up to put them down was enough. They found another victim.
I agree with encouraging her to find a non-school activity, disagree with encouraging her to engage the Mean Girls’ abuse verbally, let alone physically.
But mostly I’d tell her to tough it out, as the end of the school year is in sight – would advise differently if this were October instead of April.
I’d say, yes to finding a counselor. If she’s asking for mental health days, she likely does need some non-mom help with coping skills.
Almost done with the school year. If she wants to finish the school year, that’s one thing. If she continues with the same group next year, I would consider finding a new school. Being bullied at her age can be emotionally crippling. Telling her to just suck it up for more than the rest of this year is not a good plan. Heading for long-term depression and other messes.
I also think trying some new extracurriculars is a good idea. Find her some new interests and new friends.
Good luck.
as an introvert, I caution you against pushing too hard. you’re telling her to “conform” when she doesn’t want to. Or, more likely, can’t. you’re more or less telling her that the way she is is “wrong.”
even now, decades after school, I remain an introvert. If you try to force me to be social, I will just fight that much harder to get back into my comfort zone.
Middle school is the fucking worst. I was a shy nerdy tomboy and I had a bully - albeit they were boys a year ahead of me, not “mean girls.”
I lashed out at home and spent a ton of time in my room by myself. I literally punched a hole in a wall. I didn’t spend a lot of time with friends (my two best friends also moved away!!) But I still played softball, was in Science Olympiad, did some intramural sports and was in band. So I DID stuff sometimes.
Band is a great refuge for the Great Downtrodden. You get a bunch of instant forever-friends and you do something as part of a group. And if you’re lucky you can spend time in the band room at lunch and/or study hall. Then you’ve got an instant gang for the rest of your school years.
Choir can be like that, too, at some schools.
Anyway, it’s going to suck and it has sucked for a lot of people before her. But I am SO GLAD she is admitting to you that it is stressful and not just hiding it from you.
She needs to stay in Girl Guides (I did that as my way to stay somewhat normal before 6th grade and band and stuff) and maybe pick something else extra-curricular to do. Maybe she needs to volunteer at the library or something. She doesn’t need to make new BFFs right now if she doesn’t want to (I wasn’t even BFF with my BFF when we were in 6th grade band together) but I think that keeping busy being a part of groups is important. Just to keep her out there and not buried in Minecraft all day.
I was buried in a BBS online all day by high school but thankfully for me it was all talking to local kids so we did get together IRL. If I had the real Internet when I was that age it would have been GAME OVER. I’m so glad I did the few things I did, extra-curricular wise. Most importantly, band.
I second ZipperJJ in that band might be one of the best things I ever did for myself. With that said, I often felt disconnected (not shunned) even there, and for a while in ninth grade I was bullied in band.
Also, I am very leery of the idea that sports, especially competitive sports, and especially competitive team sports, are some kind of panacea. The same goes for lots of extracurricular activities suggested here. I’m a much bigger fan of people creating their own “scene,” as it were, and my first thought was that this is the sort of girl who will discover punk rock (or something comparable) before long.
that hinges on having the talent/skill to get into those things in the first place.
My daughter went through pretty much the same thing from about grade 5 to grade 8, although it was the boys doing the bullying. We tried a lot of different things…standing up for herself, ignoring them completely…both of which resulted in an escalation until the boys eventually got tired of the game. Girls don’t seem to tire as easily though. Today at 16, she has very little in common with the girls in her peer group, including her own twin sister unfortunately, but she shares a lot of interests with the boys in her class ( not the same ones who bullied her)…Manga, the Marvel Universe (sigh) and gaming. The boys actually seem to like a girl who shares there interests but doesn’t have a romantic interest and they all seem comfortable together.
If her grade is populated with mean girls, perhaps she should entertain the notion of making friends with a boy or two who likes to play minecraft.
“How is there even a popular crowd in 6th grade?” No offense, but this statement is absurdly out of touch with reality. Sixth grade is exactly on target for this type of situation developing.
You’ve been “meaning to try to get her together with” some kids from Girl Guides. This is not a good idea, as she is too old for her parents to arrange play dates for her. You could suggest that she invite one (be very careful about groups of three kids this age, as the tendency is for two to gang up on one) to a movie, or whatever. You could help her practice exactly how to invite and what to do if the answer is no, etc., but she needs to do the inviting, not you and the other girl’s mom setting something up.
When I was in school, I had no idea that I could simply sign up for drama club (did not realize that it wasn’t just a matter of trying out and that anyone could sign up to build sets, etc.), band (assumed you had to already be able to play an instrument), various sports (assumed you had to try out and be chosen, but this was not at all the case for swimming, cross country, and a few others), etc. Meeting with your daughter and the school guidance counselor could be very helpful for figuring out whether there are any clubs or teams that would put her in a better position to make some new friends. From where she stands, it may seem that “everyone” is into clothes, boys, pop music, and such, but this is definitely not the case. The popular kids are distracting focus from the kids that are not. Also, boys can be great friends too and she may have more interests in common with some boys in her class. There is no shortage of sixth-grade boys who love Minecraft.
Make sure she knows she does NOT have to pretend to be someone else to have friends and that she is perfectly fantastic being exactly herself. She needs opportunities to find people who appreciate her, not to conform or develop a fake persona. Sure, taking charge of a class decision is not winning her friends, but this self-confidence should not be discouraged. Maybe there is a debate club or Model UN that would welcome this asset. She sounds like a natural leader and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
Outside of school, a part-time job or volunteer work can be huge self-confidence boosters and give her a chance to feel valuable and appreciated outside of her family.
Having been in band from 6th grade through college, the amount of talent required is usually around “can you figure out which end to blow into?”. Most public schools are not going to kick someone out of the band, but they might have to sit last chair and play nothing but whole notes. The band itself usually welcomes everyone no matter how bad they are as long as they’re trying.
Should I call the other child’s parents to resolve the situation?
Generally, this is not a suggested strategy unless you know the other parents and expect an objective ear.
Please disregard my suggestion, and I hope these links help.
http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10360.aspx
My experience with reaching out to school administrators for my daughter have always been positive, I hope that is not an exception. I hope you have a happy resolution.
Is that a bad thing?
Not at all, I’m happy she has finally found her people, although it is a shame she no longer values female relationships…not as a part of bullying in the past, just lack of common interest.
The Marvel thing is a little all consuming at the moment as well. Don’t ever ask a question about anyone’s backstory unless you have an hour or two to spare!