My wonderful stepson is 7 (going on 8). He’s cute and smart and funny and does well in school and everybody loves him however he cannot seem to stop losing coats and jackets.
His mom and I know that kids misplace things (the lost & found at his school has tons of coats and backpacks and whatnot) but it is driving us nuts. Every few months he loses another coat. When I pick him up from his afterschool program I have to make a point of checking that he’s got it, because odds are good that it’ll be flung into a corner and forgotten, left out in the park, etc.
We can afford to replace them, however we need him to stop losing the damn things to begin with. We’ve talked to him nicely. He’s gotten lectured about it and even chewed out. We’re trying to come up with strategies to help him remember to bring it with him.
First, I’d say to sew a patch on it with a way to contact you if it’s found.
Another idea: Maybe give him a sticker every time he does remember it and then give him a reward of some sort once he gets enough stickers. I think most creatures respond better to rewards than punishments. I wouldn’t use punishment or yelling over something like this. Not like it’s unusual for kids that age to be careless with things.
He starts losing privileges when he loses a coat. Yeah, you can afford it, but he needs to get into the habit of taking care of his belongings. He can pay back the cost of the coat with chores and game time…that is, he gets paid a couple of bucks for chores or he has to sacrifice game or video time. The chores get paid by COMPLETED chores, done to a parent’s satisfaction, don’t pay for time spent at doing a halfassed job. Set the chores and sacrifices so that they are doable, but so that they involve a significant cost to him. The chores shouldn’t be things that he’s supposed to be doing anyway, but special chores.
Do you mean that your boy is supposed to find a coat that fits him in the lost and found? Even if it wasn’t his to begin with? Oh, THAT’S a wonderful lesson to teach him! :rolleyes:
Virtually all of my daughter’s clothes come from the consignment store for exactly this reason. I suggest that you make him buy a secondhand coat with his own money. Repeat as necessary.
I’d say make him “work” for the replacement somehow. Do chores.
Separately - does he really need a coat if he keeps forgetting it? I mean, if he walks outside and doesn’t think “Shit, it’s cold, where’s my coat?”, or is taking it off in the park and forgetting about it, maybe the solution is to just not make him wear a coat?
I chose the second option, but I’d suggest making him pay for part of the next coat instead of the whole thing since he’s just a tyke. If he loses that one, he can foot the whole bill for the replacement. I agree with the idea that “kids misplace things,” but this is where you can start teaching him to appreciate and take care of his possessions. You might also think about getting him thrift store coats until he gets through this losing phase.
I was about the same age when I lost several pairs of prescription glasses in a row. We could definitely not afford this, and my mother made sure I was reminded of that at every opportunity for the next 30 years. I would suggest letting him know about the seriousness of caring for his belongings, but also avoid words and tones that make him feel ashamed.
I’d say get him a bit more emotionally invested in the coat in the first place. Make a fun day out (movie, ice cream, some sort of minor but fun treats) and make it clear that this is leading up to buying the Best Coat Ever. Have HIM choose the coat (within reason—maybe pre-choose three or four) and say that you’re proud of him for becoming so responsible.
I wouldn’t suggest this as a first resort, but you say he’s already had a few lessons about the importance of keeping track, so this is just another thing on top of it.
Could he have ADD? My son that has it constantly loses coats. Do you write his name in it? I second the suggestion to buy all coats from the secondhand store from now on- especially as he gets older, it will be highly embarrassing to him, thus motivating him to not lose them.
I also wonder about ADD, based on my own childhood experience. I could put my schoolbag down to tie a shoelace, get back up and walk the rest of the way home without my schoolbag. Luckily I only lived a couple of blocks from my school! I also regularly lost clothing, the funniest instance was possibly the day I realised after swimming that I had lost my knickers, forcing a search of the girls’ changing room to no avail. Turned out I had forgotten to put knickers on in the first place, they were still on my bed at home…:smack:
Is the coat inappropriate for the season? By that, I mean, are you forcing him to wear a winter parka because the calendar says it’s winter, though it’s also a freakishly-warm 70F out? I could easily see a child losing a coat on such a day, due to taking it off to play, and forgetting to pick it up when the game is over. If that’s the case, you may want to be practical according to today’s conditions, rather than according to the calendar.
That doesn’t forgive the loss of the coat, however. I can state that if I had ever lost my coat when I was a child, my parents made it very clear that I would have to do without for the rest of the season. Given that I am in Canada, the loss of a coat in January would leave me freezing for the next three months. I took care not to lose my coat.
This past winter, after Slim lost his favorite Old Navy hoodie, I told him if he lost another one I was going to hang him from the ceiling by his thumbs.
When we bought him a heavy winter coat (which he only wore a couple of times since we don’t really GET supercold winters around here) I wrote his name in it…in five places. I told him if I had to go hunt in lost and found for it, I was going to be very, very upset.
I hate our school’s lost and found. It’s on the stage in the cafeteria behind the curtains and you can’t SEE anythng back there because it’s dark. So the few times I’ve had to look in there for stuff, I had to have Slim hold back the curtains (which weigh as much as he does). They only put a handful of stuff on a rolling rack, the rest of it was in a trashcan nearly as tall as I am and I couldn’t go through EVERYTHING because the trashcan was literally packed so full you could hardly get anything out of it.
Makes me wonder what they DO with all that stuff at the end of the year.
I’ve not had any experience of children, other than being one, but random thoughts off the top of my head:
Be explicit on what you want him to do. Not “remember your coat” but “whenever you leave a building, check you have your coat and blah with you”.
He’s had lots of lectures, but may still think of it as an arbitrary rule rather than realising how much trouble it is to replace. I want to convey the hassle of replacing it, but without giving him a truly commensurate punishment (or he may just focus on the apparent arbitrariness of the punishment, than the actual connection to the coat)
Be upfront that replacing coats costs money and you only have so much. It’s unlikely to stick, but you never know.
A few days, tell him to spend without a coat and see how it goes. A seven year old will never think to take a coat if it’s not cold right now, but may be able to grasp “Do you want to take a coat? Remember, it’s fine to take a coat if you’re not sure you’ll need it, but you remember the times when you didn’t have it and you were cold, you want to avoid that.”
Look for physical solutions. Eg. buy a really distinctive coat.
Firstly, Do you have his coats labeled so they can easily be returned to the owner instead of the lost and found?
Secondly, what is his explanation for why he keeps forgetting them? Perhaps that could suggest a was to handle this.
If its simply forgetfulness, they sell these little cube bag tags here which can be attached to a backpack foe each day of the week with what the kid needs to remember to pack. Could something like that work?
First things first: Has anyone asked HIM what would help? Or even if he thinks it’s a problem that needs solving? It’s his problem, after all. Perhaps the problem isn’t at all what you think it is, so the solutions you’re providing don’t make any sense.
Perhaps he thinks the coats are ugly. Perhaps the girl (or boy?) he likes thinks they’re dorky. Perhaps the class bully thinks they’re awesome, and wants them and your son is hiding them so they don’t get stolen and then forgetting about them. Perhaps he’s trying to assert his independence and this is his first adorable little rebellion. Perhaps he’d prefer sweaters, 'cause that’s what the cool kids in his class are wearing. Perhaps he really hates hoods and feels like they’re strangling him. Who knows?
No way to know until you ask. And it’s not fair or productive to do that when you’re angry; you need to wait until everyone is calm and working on the same team.
Once you’ve identified the actual problem, solutions often present themselves. But it’s his problem, and he needs to solve it. He can ask you for ideas, and assistance, and moral support, but until he feels ownership of the problem (not to mention the coat), it won’t be solved long term.
If the problem is mere carelessness, I’d say letting him choose whether to buy a replacement or go without a coat are the best options, most productive and likely to instill good responsibility and problem solving abilities. Unless you’re living in Alaska, wearing a coat this time of year *this *year isn’t a life or death situation.
I don’t think you can punish a 7 year old into not forgetting. Forgetting isn’t doing something on purpose - you just forget!
Buy him cheap, second-hand coats and replace as needed. Let him know that once he’s able to remember to bring his coat home, then you’ll start getting him nicer clothes/coats.