OK, it seems that according to Bizarro-Islam (as opposed to Regular Islam, practiced by non-insane Muslims), “If I martyr myself by killing American infidels, I will be seated at Allah’s throne and be rewarded with ninety-seven virgins.” I am not making this up: actual Bizarro-Muslims said this on “60 Minutes” and in the “NY Times.” So, this raises a number of questions:
• 97 virgins seems like an awfully high virgin-to-terrorist ratio. Wouldn’t Allah eventually run out of virgins at that rate?
• Do you get all 97 virgins at once, or is it like Lotto, where you can opt for one virgin a year for 97 years?
• I assume they wouldn’t remain virgins for long—after they are deflowered, do they get to stay up in heaven with Allah and their terrorist boyfriend, or do they get banished to non-virgin hell?
• What if they were virgins in the first place because they were really ugly and had bad personalities? Wouldn’t THAT come as an unhappy surprise for our terrorist!
• Do female terrorists get 97 male virgins? Who would WANT 97 male virgins?
• Is your family also waiting for you up there? In the same room? Wouldn’t it be an awkward social situation to arrive up in heaven and find your grandparents trying to make small-talk with your 97 virgins?
. . . Anyone have any answers, input or further complications on this pressing matter of religious doctrine?
I have no answers or insights, but it strikes me odd that a group that holds women in such low regard considers it a reward to get a whole batch of 'em…
With as large of families as some of the muslim people have over there, I believe the real uncomfortable situation is what if a few of those 97 virgins were members of the terrorists family?
And why 97 virgins, is that a signifigant number in islam? Why not make it an even 100 virgins.
Perhaps Allah divinely “reflowers” each virgin after they are deflowered, thereby replenishing the virgin stock. If that is the case, maybe its the same virgin over and over and over again (wouldn’t that get tiresome? “Say, didn’t I rupture your hymen last night?”)
As to why a female terrorist would want 97 male virgins? If you take into account that each male virgin is going to last, what, 30 seconds at the most, than your female terrorst has run through her alottment in slightly less than one hour. Let’s hope that they sell D batteries in Paradise.
Ike, you just touched on an interesting point. Even though they traditionally make their women wear a bolt and a half of cloth when they’re outside, all the drawings (and there are a lot of them out there…) of women of questionable repute entertaining customers show them wearing things that would make a Victoria’s Secret model blush.
What better to go home to after destroying a thousand infidel women and children, than all the women you could ever want to beat, rape and terrorize? And they are all innocent and pure, ready for your firm hand to repress into submission? Why, it’s no wonder the cream of extremist Muslim youth would be wooed by such a recruitment pitch!
And what’s all this curiosity over what a woman terrorist would wear when you all know that women are not smart enough or strong enough to participate in a holy jihad? They must remain in their place, waiting at home ready to serve their men when they return triumphant.
Nah. He’s their creator! He just waves his hand and pouf!, there’s another virgin!
[sub](I was going to say “POP! There’s another virgin!”, but I realized that is not the correct word for creating virgins.)[/sub]
-Tygr, still recovering from visiting RAWA’s website.
PS: Ethilrist, I think you’ve got it. After all, wouldn’t you want your virgins to be in their prime?
PPS: Coldie, what’s the name of that store? Do they ship worldwide?
IIRC, and in all seriousness (out of keeping with the tone of this thread, I know) this is what happens. I recall reading something from a Muslim source – it may even have been a quotation from the Quran – that stated that virgins are “restored” every night.
Incidentally, Muslims wives end up in Heaven with their husbands. It’s in the Sura entitled “Ornaments of Gold” (this fact pointed out in Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land, but I’ve verified it for myself). I wonder how the wives feel about the houris running around.
You would be referring to those who practice Bizarro Islam, right? By mis-treating women they defy the will of Allah and by definition cannot be called Muslims.
The non-insane Muslims know that it is the will of Allah that a man treat a woman will the highest respect.
I’m pretty sure that the virgins are houris, anyway - not actual human females who died and ended up in Paradise… not that it might be Paradise for them, anyway…
Houris are, as I understand it, soulless female creatures, kind of like Ann Coulter.
Eve - “If I martyr myself by killing American infidels, I will be seated at Allah’s throne and be rewarded with ninety-seven virgins.”
I’m not surprised you haven’t seen Taliban TV because it’s only available on satellite. IIFC, this show goes out at 7.00pm on Saturday nights, it’s called ‘The Guinness Book of Fundamentalist After-Life Records’ – big in Kabul.
They usually do stuff like:
“Come right up Med School Martyr! you will be rewarded with 32 virgins in a red phone box”
FWIW, I can’t see how you can get 97 anyone’s on a throne - it’s virgin on the ridiculous. I’ll tape it, though, and let you know what the after-life feedback was.
“Welcome to Fundie Islam Heaven News Tonight. Our top story: Martyress and terrorist-doyen Fairuza Al-Hazred drowned last night, shortly after her assumption into Allah’s Garden. Tragically, her 97 male virgins had decided to welcome Miss Al-Hazred with what the Infidels call a “group money shot.” Film at 11. Allahu Akbar.”
I’ve read somewhere of an Afghan (I think) woman condemned to die who was deliberately raped to nullify her virginity. apparently virgins who die go directly to Paradise so that a death sentence for a virgin is somewhat counterproductive as a punishment. Only martyrs and virgins qualify for immediate access to paradise while the remaining devout have to wait till judgement day.
Paradise and houris are a conventional concept for Islam, but the 97 number is not. In fact I have read several sources that claim the reward for martyrs is 72 virgins.
" . . . In fact I have read several sources that claim the reward for martyrs is 72 virgins."
Ah, you get 72 virgins if you just kill your run-of-the-mill American infidels. But if you kill JEWS, you qualify—at no extra charge, with a one-year warrantee—an additional 25 virgins!
