[In last season’s finale, Archer and Admiral what’s-his-face are slowly flying their shuttlepod around the drydock where NX-02 is being built, admiring the view]
VOICEOVER #1: “The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of shuttlecraft only. There is no hovering in a white zone.”
VOICEOVER #2: “No, the white zone is for loading and unloading. There’s no hovering in a red zone.”
VOICEOVER #1: “Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for unloading!”
VOICEOVER #2: “Look Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again. There’s just no hovering in a red zone!”
VOICEOVER #1: “Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have a transporter abortion!”
VOICEOVER #2: “It’s really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there’s no danger involved.”
Aw, this is just out of control!
ARCHER: You call this a Vulcan temple? Biggest waste of prime real estate in the Galaxy! I’d build condos over there, a mall over there…"
Topol: P P P P P P
Malcolm: Cinderella boy. This former engineer, ABOUT to become a Starship Captain!
Topol (to that rogue Vulcan): How 'bout a Fresca?
Archer (to Malcolm): Ummm. Yeah! I’m gonna need those TPS reprts, RIGHT away!
Little Boy Klingon: This is my targ, Patches!
Reed: I’m sorry, we don’t allow targs on Enterprise, we’ll have to shoot him! ::Pulls out phaser, blasts Patches::
Little Boy Klingon: Patches!!!
Reed: I’m just kidding, Patches was only playing dead! ::Patches gets up::
Hoshi: Archer never gets a second cup of coffee at home…
REPORTER: “What kind of a starship is it?”
HOSHI: “Oh, it’s a big pretty silver starship with curtains in the windows and warp nacelles and it looks just like a big lollipop!”
REPORTER: “All right, we’ve heard enough. Let’s get some holovids!” [they ransack the holovid display units on Starfleet personnel desks]
Admiral Forest : I’m recalling Enterprise
Archer to camera: What a pisser!
Hoshi: Enterprise Cleared to enter starbase. Could USS Israel please clear the docking station.
Trip: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Romulan Ale
Archer: Our orders came through. We’ll be attacking a Suliban mothership at 18:00 hours. We’re coming in cloaked on course 2345 by 3453
T’Pol : When will you be back?
Archer : I can’t tell you that? It’s classified.
Enterprise flies past camera at warp to sound of propellor engines.
ESTABLISHING SHOT: A dark, eerie shot of deep space. There is a NEBULA at the bottom of the frame.
Suddenly, the Enterprise’s warp nacelles are seen sticking up through the top of the nebula, moving slowly across the frame to the tune of the Jaws theme.
(Wow, I thought I was the only one in the world who remembered that awful Close Encounters parody where the alien mothership was a gigantic cream pie. “It just keeps saying the same thing!”)
STARSHIP TRAFFIC CONTROLLER #1: “They could be light-years off course!”
STARSHIP TRAFFIC CONTROLLER #2: “That’s impossible – they’re on instruments!”
CUT TO shot of the Enterprise bridge, where the entire bridge crew is playing string basses, trumpets, drums, saxophones, and other jazz instruments.
