A ____ walks into a bar...

Whoah… subtle. That’s going on my joke list. I was expecting:

1st atom: I’ve lost an electron.
2nd atom: Are you sure?
1rd atom: Yes, I’m positive!

Okay, I know I’m going to feel like a dope afterwards, but I don’t get this. And yes, I do know what an electron is. Why couldn’t they both have a martini?

A woman walks into a bar and askes the bartender for a Double Entendre.

So he gave her one.

Shameless copy and paste from my post in another thread:

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits at the bar and the monkey goes over to watch a game of pool being played. After a few minutes the monkey jumps up on the table and swallows the cue ball. The man and the monkey are asked to leave, the man apologizes profusely.

Two weeks later the guy comes back to the bar with his monkey again. Just as the bartender begins to object, the man says “Don’t worry, he’ll stay right here with me.” The bartender agrees to let them stay.

After a while the guy asks if the bar has any peanuts or pretzles, and the bartender brings over a bowl of each. The monkey tentatively reaches for a peanut, eyes it, sticks it up his butt, and then eats it. This gets the attention of the bartender, but he lets it slide. Then the monkey reaches for a pretzle, eyes it, sticks it up his butt and then eats it.

At this point the bartender has to intervene, “Hey buddy that’s disgusting. Why the hell is your monkey doing that?” The guy says “Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he tests everything before he eats it.”

One of the rules of quantum physics is that you can’t have two particles with identical states. Translate states → drinks, and you have yourself a rather obscure joke.

So, a guy, an ostrich, and a cat all walk into a bar together. The guy and ostrich take a seat, and the cat jumps up on the bar. Bartender comes over and asks them what they’d like.

“A beer,” the guy says.

“I’d like one too,” the ostrich says.

“Me, too,” says the cat. “But I’m not paying.”

So the owner brings back three beers and tells the guy it’ll be nine dollars. Without looking, the guy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a wad of bills and hands it over. It’s exactly nine dollars.

This continues for several rounds. The guy orders a beer, the ostrich wants one too, so does the cat, but the cat won’t pay for it. When the guy pays, he always just hauls out a wad of bills that exactly equals the tab. Finally, curiosity gets the better part of the bartender.

“Mister, I seen a lot a weird stuff coming in here, but you take the cake. Mind tellin’ me exactly how you can pull out exact change for every tab without even looking?”

The guy looks up from his beer. “Oh, that? That was the smartest thing I ever did. See, I found this genie in a bottle, and it granted me two wishes. The first wish I made was that I would always have exactly the amount of money I needed in my pocket.”

The bartender nods. “Huh. So, what about your second wish?”

The guy takes another sip. “That? That was the stupidest thing I ever did. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

Well, that is obscure. But then it didn’t have to be an electron, did it? Could have been two quarks or neutrons.

A man walks into a bar in Phoenix and orders 3 beers. He takes them to a table in a lonely corner of the room and drinks them–one sip from each glass in turn. He then calls the waitress for another round. She advises him that she would be happy to bring them to him one at a time so that the beer doesn’t go flat while he sips. He thinks about this for a minute and answers, "Oh, I drink this way to remember my brothers. We were great drinking buddies once, but now my older brother lives in New York and my baby brother is in L.A. We all do this as a ritual.

The waitress is touched by the sentiment and brings him 3 more beers. The man becomes a regular and soon his querks are more or less unnoticed, and his loyalty to his brothers is admired by the town.

One day he comes to the bar and orders only two beers and sits down and begins drinking them in his usual fashion. The entire bar is silent. When the waitress brings him the next round she tells him this one is on the house, by way of showing condolences for the loss of his brother.

He thinks about this and seems a bit bewildered. Suddenly the light comes on and he smiles and says, "oh no! Everybody’s fine. It’s just that my wife and I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints recently, and so we don’t drink alcohol anymore…but it hasn’t affected my brothers at all.

My name is Inigo Montoya, I fail to read previous posts, prepare to…

Sorry, I’ve been waiting for an opportunity. See post #18. All in good fun.

Joke evolution is now proven.

A Frenchman with a broken arm walks into a bar and orders a cognac. He asks the bartender, “Is that not our savior, Jesus, standing at the other end of the bar?”
The bartender says, “Yes.”
The Frenchman tells the bartender to give Jesus a cognac on him.
A few minutes later, in walks an Irishman, limping badly. He orders whiskey. “Say, friend, isn’t that Christ himself at the end of the bar?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’d be proud to buy him a whiskey.”
A little while later, A Texan comes in, stooped over with a bad back, and orders a beer. “Say, isn’t that God’s boy standing over there?”
“Yes.”
“Well, dang it, give him a beer and put it on by tab.”
Some time passes, Jesus finishes his drinks and approaches the Frenchman. “I’d like to thank you for the drink, Jean-Paul–here, allow me to help you.” He lays his hands on the broken arm and heals it. The Frenchman thanks him.
Jesus goes over to the Irishman. “Thank you for the drink, Sean–let me do something for you in return.” He lays hands on the bad leg and heals it. The Irishman thanks him profusely.
Then Jesus turns to the Texan. “Thanks for the beer, Joe Bob–it was mighty tasty. Here, let me do something about that back of yours.” Jesus reaches out his hands.
The Texan backs away and says, “Don’t touch me, boy–I’m on disability!”

Johnny, when you started this thread, I thought you were going to talk about Trader Joe’s cereal bars. You know, This strawberry/apple/fig/blueberry walks into a Bar…
Oh, well.

A guy walks into a bar with a three legged pig. The guy sits at the bar and the pig sits on the stool next to him. The guy orders two beers and gives one to the pig. They both drink up. They order another round and another. The guy keeps patting the pig on the back, keeping his drinks fresh passing him the pretzels and being generally very deferential. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he asks why this guy is falling all over himself to serve a three legged pig.

The guy says, “Well, I’m a farmer. A couple of weeks ago I had an accident out in the field. My tractor fell over on top of me and I was pinned underneath. My pig came running from out of nowhere and managed to pull me out from underneth the tractor right before it exploded. He saved my life and I’m very grateful.”

The bartender says, “That’s amazing, and he only has three legs.”

“Oh, he had four legs at the time.”

“Really, what happened to the missing leg?”

“Are you kidding? A great pig like this, you don’t eat him all at once.”

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a shot of whiskey. When the bartender gives him the drink the guys says, “hey, wanna make a bet?”

“What kind of bet?”

“Twenty bucks says I can touch my tongue to my eyeball.”

The bartender considers it, doesn’t figure there’s any way the guy cn do it and takes the bet.

The guy then removes a glass eye from his eyesocket, touches his tongue to it and puts it back in.

He takes the money from the bartender and offers him another chance.

"Double or nothing says I can touch the heel of my foot to the back of my head.

The bartender is suspicious but he takes the bet.

The guy unscrews a prosthetic leg, touches the artificial heel to the back of his head and screws the leg back on.

He takes another twenty from the barkeep and offers him one last chance. He takes his empty shot glass and sets it down at one end of the bar. He then moves all the way to the other end of the bar, a good twenty feet from the shot glass, and stands up on a barstool.

“I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I can stand right here, piss into that shot glass, and not get a drop anywhere else.”

The bartender is extremely suspicious and thinks about it for a minute but just can’t see any way for this to be a trick. He takes the bet.

The guy dops his pants, grabs his dork and stars peeing. He completely sprays the bar with urine. It’s on the bar, on the fllor, dripping from the ceiling, he even gets some on the bartender. He doesn’t manage to get even a single drop in the shot glass.
The bartender begins to laugh heartily and collects his money from the pisser.

“I guess you just made one bet too many,” he says as he stuffs the hundred dollars in his wallet.

“Not really,” says the guy. “See that guy over by the pool table. I bet him a thousand dollars I could piss all over your bar and you’d be laughing.”

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he is drinking. The guy says, I’ll have a beer, and give that douche bag down at the end of the bar a drink too. The bartender says, hey buddy, don’t call that woman a douche bag, that’s very rude. The bartender yells down to the woman, what are you drinking miss? She yells back, vinegar and water.

I don’t get it!

As Nightwatch Trailer said, it’s a neutron. Electrons do have charge, so the joke makes no sense.

This is better spoken.

A panda walks into a bar, and orders a cheeseburger. After finishing it, he quietly pulls out a shotgun, shoots everyone in the bar, kills most of them, and begins to leave. Shocked, the bartender slowly gets up from behind the bar and says, “What the hell was that about?!” Just as the panda is leaving, he looks over his shoulder and advises the bartender, “Just look it up.”

The bartender goes back and finds an encyclopedia, flips to “Panda” and finds: [spoiler]“Panda. A mammal native to central China. Eats shoots and leaves…”

In fact, the panda read it as “eats, shoots, and leaves” (with commas), which prompted the writer Lynne Truss to use it as a title for her best-selling book.[/spoiler]

Sure. Joke micro- evolution. A joke may evolve within it’s kind, but you can’t convince me a walks into a bar joke is suddenly going turn into a knock-knock joke just by chance!

Joke evolution is only a theory !!! :mad:

:smiley:

Dry Tortugas was a popular hide-out for pirates during their heyday.

:smiley: I was thinking something similar but couldn’t quite come up with the proper wording.

Well of course I know that it’s actually a neutron, that’s the joke see…

Ahem… :smack:

A horse walks into a bar, he say 'Hay, bartender."

A horse walks into a bar, asks for a beer. Barkeep says, 'We don’t get many horses in here.
Horse says, ‘At three dollars a pint, I’m not surprised.’

A horse walks into a bar, asks for a beer. Barkeep says, 'We don’t get many horses in here.
Horse says, ‘I got a job down the street, I’ll be stopping in for the next few nights.’
Next night bartender asks, ‘You ever think about working in the circus?’
Horse asks, ‘Why, they need electricians?’

A guy walks into a bar and says “Bartender get a round for everyone, give me a glass of your finest champagne and get yourself something too”. There’s much cheering as the bartender delivers the round. The bartender drinks a shot and then tells the guy “That’ll be $124.00”. The guy says, “Oh, I don’t have any money”. Enraged, the bartender come from behind the bar grabs the guy roughly and throws him out into the street.

A week later the same guy walks into the bar and says “Bartender get a round for everyone, give me a glass of your finest champagne and get yourself something too”. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “This had better not be a repeat of last week” and begins delivering the rounds again to much cheering. After having a shot, he tells the guy “That’ll be $164. The guy says, “Oh, I don’t have any money”. Really pissed this time, he smacks the guy around a few times before again throwing him out into the street.

A week later the same guy comes in again, this time he says “Bartender get a round for everyone, give me a glass of your finest champagne”. The Bartender says, “What I don’t get a drink.” The guy says, “Sorry buddy, but you’re a mean drunk”.