A Centaur and a Cyclops Walk into a Bar.... finish the joke (Xena reference)

Cafe Society
1

OK.

So there’s an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, which I was watching today (bought 5 seasons during the first month of the pandemic) called “Warrior… Priestess… Tramp” in which the barmaid [READ: madam of the best little whorehouse in Athens] Meg, who happens to look exactly like Xena, also happens to look like the Hestian [READ: virgin] priestess, Leah.

Plot happens, and Meg is conducting a Hestian service disguised as Leah, and she begins with a “parable” that starts out “A centaur and a cyclops go into a bar, and the bartender says to the cyclops–” then she gets cut off to do a ritual, and never finishes the “parable.”

I’ve always wondered where this could go, and I invite one and all to finish it.

2

“All right, what did you do with the rabbi?”

3

“…the guy who sold you that horse must have thought you had no eyes.”

4

Lemme guess, this is your better half?

5

“You can stay, but your friend is gonna have to wait outside!”

6

“Which is really strange, because while the first one walked into the bar, the second one should have seen that and stopped before he hit it.”

(Think of bar, as a physical barrier, and you’ll get it.)

7

"…says to the Cyclops, ‘You know, we don’t get many Cyclops in here.’ The Cyclops replies, ‘At these prices, I’m not surprised.’ The Centaur agrees.

8

These are all excellent! I’m loving it!

Wish I could upvote them!

9

The bartender says to the Cyclops “You know, we have drinks named after you guys.”
The Cyclops says “What, you got drinks named ‘Gus’ and ‘Yanni’?”

10

“—your friend is a real horse’s ass.”

Cyclops: “watch what you say about my friend. I’ve got my eye on you.”

11

“We don’t get too many of your kind in here.” And before the cyclops can say anything, a voice from the end of the bar says, “Oh, but he’s so handsome, what with that bedroom eye.” And the bartender shrugs and says to the centaur, “I hope you’re not going to start any trouble.” And before the centaur can reply, a voice rings out again: “Why would he start a fight if he’s hung like a horse?”

So the cyclops and the centaur saunter over to meet their flatterer, and — it’s just a bowl of peanuts. They ask: “What’s with the nuts?”

The bartender says “They’re complimentary.”

12

And the bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of Robert Asprin joke?”

13

That’s a decent variation on the simple punchline “They said ‘Ouch’.” Don’t diminish it with an explanation.

14

“… the Aristocrats!”

15

“No, Dionysus walked out of here fifteen minutes ago. You just mythed him.”

16

‘If you cannot see a thing, open this one.’

17

The bartender says to the Cyclops, “What’ll you have?” The Cyclops says, “Give me a martin.”

18

The bartender says to the centaur, “Why the long body?”

19

The bartender says “Well, this is a surprise!”
The Cyclops says “How so?”
The bartender says “You guys usually don’t come in until after four o’clock.”

20

The bartender says “I don’t believe I’ve seen you gents in here before!”
The Cyclops says “Well, we were just passing by and your place caught my eye.”