As one of the SDMB elite clique, my absence from the continuing Jack Dean Tyler controversy has been noted and commented on. Put bluntly, I was told to contribute, or be expelled from the clique.
I was going to do a parody of the JDT Gettysburg Address, but someone beat me to it. So I bring you Cecil’s Christmas column. Or what it should be, anyway:
(Don’t read this if you’re easily offended)
"Dear Cecil,
I post to the SDMB. Some of my fellow posters say that there is no Jack Dean Tyler. Unclebeer says, ‘If Cecil says it, it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth, is there a Jack Dean Tyler?
Vagina O."
Vagina, your trollish friends are wrong. They are the victims of circumcision in a perverted age. They do not perceive except what their hideously mutilated phalluses can feel. They think that anyone can be satisfied with their little penises. All penises, Vagina, whether they be men’s or boys’, are little. Some penises, however, are circumcised, and half the length of the others. In this great universe of ours, men who have these are called “losers”. Compared to the intact studs around them, these victims are better off dead.
Yes, Vagina, there is a Jack Dean Tyler.
He exists as certainly as foreskins and Tug-Ahoys and erections, and you know that they abound and give your life it’s reason for being. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Jack Dean Tyler! It would be as dreary as if there were no Vaginas. There would be no clitoral friction then, no dorsal rubbing, no power sucking to make tolerable this existence. We should have no arousal, except by masturbation and felching. The incredible excitement with which orgasms fill our beings would be extinguished.
Not believe in Jack Dean Tyler! You might as well not believe in nipple inversion. You might get your papa to hire men to powersuck a million women’s nipples (actually, I’ll do it for free), but even if they claimed they didn’t enjoy it, what would that prove? No woman knows the first thing about sex. No uncircumcised men know, either. Only intact men know what it’s really about. No one else can conceive or imagine what a TRUE orgasm feels like.
You circumcise a baby boy, making him half man, half freak, but there is an uncircumcised
penis within an intact man’s pants which not even the stoutest maidenhead can withstand. Nor even the united strength of all woman’s maidenheads. Only continued vigorous thrusting, combined with power sucking of a woman’s nipples, can push aside the hymen and experience the joy of dorsal friction against the clitoris. Thrusting, rubbing, until…aaahhh!! Is it all real? Ah, Vagina, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Jack Dean Tyler? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Vagina, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to penetrate and be welcomed into many Vaginas.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
–Cecil Adams
I’ve been remiss in congratulating you.
