A correct, but so very wrong, answer

This morning, I walked into the living room after shower/shaving/dressing as usual to find my wife and daughters sprawled on the couches in the living room, as usual. I said good morning to everyone, inquired as to the quality of their sleep, and my wife turned a bleary eye to me and asked “Are we out of coffee?”

Remembering that I had indeed finished off the coffee yesterday, several answers swirled through my head. “Yes”, “I think so”, “I’m pretty sure there’s another bag in the cabinet.” The one that came out of my mouth unfortunately, was, “I put it on the shopping list.” My wife had gone shopping the day before, and I had indeed handed her a list with coffee on it, but that really wasn’t the moment to remind her of it. All I can claim is that my own lack of coffee slowed down the censor in my brain.

Luckily there was another bag of coffee in the cabinet, which is why I’m able to post this here instead of hiding in a culvert.

did you say zing afterwards?

“Coffee’s not my job hon, I’ll get mine on the way to work”

In case you’re looking a worse answer next time.


Sounds like a reasonable answer to me. To the best of your knowledge, the coffee had all been used and was put on the list so that there would be more today. Since it was on the list and she’s the one that shopped, then it’s her job to know if there is any now.

If she got mad at you for that then she has problems.

Even better, just crack the following joke.

What do you tell a woman with one black eye whining about coffee?

Nothing, you already told the bitch once.

If your wife is mad at you and is also coffee-deprived, then you’re the one with the problem, whether you like it or not.

Meddle not in the affairs of caffiene-deprived women, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Meh. I’ll never understand the whole concept of having to tiptoe around the woman in your life.

ETA - I probably should avoid posting in these kind of threads for a couple days. I’ve in a horrible mood and have been ridiculously bitchy. Hopefully it’ll pass soon. Sorry guys.

To make a perfect day of it, give her this book:


– CalMeacham, who gave it to his wife who, fortunately, doesn’t drink coffee.

You’re single, aren’t you?

I’m worse, with less excuse. :cool:

No, gay.

I’ve discovered that as I get older, I’m more interested in peace and quiet than in justice.

“You’re supposed to take the spoon out of the cup before you try drinking it”.

I’m a with Antinor on this, and I’m a woman. IMO, this is just a type of sexism that some women are happy to take advantage of.
Having said that, attitude is very important. I have had SOs in the past make perfectly reasonable statements that pissed me right the *# off, because their attitude was "Well, why didn't you know that you stupid #@#?"

Yeah, I’m right there with you. Tiptoeing around people is not something I do, be they man, woman, or other. If she knew there was no coffee, she was the one making the store run, and she didn’t get any more coffee - let’s see now… oh, yeah, it’s HER FAULT if there is no coffee. Two X chromosomes and/or a chemical addiction do not change the facts of the situation, nor do they warrant special treatment.

[soapboxy hijack] And, frankly, it’s not until women stop taking blatant advantage of sexism like this (and the “I’m PMSing, don’t fuck with me” or “I need chocolate and it’s an emergency!” or “Retail therapy is a NECESSITY for women” or whatever) that we’re going to stop facing sexism like “It’s your time of the month, isn’t it?” and “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll handle that for you - it’s heavy.” You either give up the advantages with the disadvantages, or you take the lumps with the luxuries. [/soapboxy hijack]

Woah. It was a joke, guys.

I really didn’t mean to start a debate on the merits of not being a wuss.

Nah. I say stuff like the OP’s comment sometimes, and always regret it, because it’s not helpful. It has nothing to do with “the woman in my life”: it has to do with getting what I want to get out of life.

The morning isn’t a time for family combat. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, defensive, or ashamed. If coffee were on the list, I might say that, meaning, “I’m not sure, we might not be out of it because I put it on the list and maybe you got it,” not thinking fast enough to realize that if you got it you wouldn’t be asking me the question. I definitely wouldn’t say it, meaning, “Don’t ask me, moron, you’re the one supposed to have bought it.” But that might be what it sounds like (since otherwise it’s a dumb comment).

Again, it’s not tiptoing, it’s getting what you want. If you don’t want to put a pall over the morning, even a minor pall, you try not to say such things.


I used to have to tiptoe around gay men. We were in ballet together, though, so it was cool.

See, I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree. I get what you’re saying - moderating what I say in order to get what I want out of someone is a thing that I understand, and I applaud your doing it with care and consideration for the feelings of the people around you. I am not known as the Queen of Tact, however, and I tend only to attract and maintain relationships with people who understand that I do say things like the OP said, and when I say “I put coffee on the list” it means “I put coffee on the list; I am now awaiting further data as to the result of that action.” It doesn’t have a value judgment attached, unless there’s already an argument afoot (which I don’t read from the OP at all). If the person listening needs to attach a value judgment where there is none, then that’s probably not someone who’s going to be in my house at breakfast-time very often, if at all. :slight_smile:

I moderate what I say to save my husband’s mood/ego all the time; I consider it a simple courtesy that he does the same for me. I would see no reason to rub it in his face if he missed coffee on the list- why make him feel worse when I could make him feel better? It has absolutely nothing to do with feminism or a lack thereof.

My husband makes the coffee. It’s his job, and it even says so in the Bible:


I’m the one who shops. So if we’re out, it’s my fault.