The scream from outside was an ear-splitting shriek.
As it jarred me awake I wiped drool from my cheek.
I scratched at my balls a good five minutes time
Before standing and stretching and cursing the crime
Of awaking so early on this holiday morn.
I walked through my home, all the walls unadorn.
There’s no tree to be found, there’s no wreath on the door;
I do not give two shits for that sort of décor.
Through my sliding glass doors I peered out on the lawn
And I tried to discern what the hell had gone on.
‘Twas a man dressed in red with a belly quite profuse
And he had with him eight little - - what were those? Moose?
“What the hell are you doing?” I shouted. “Be gone!
I was sleeping, you know, it’s still hours ‘ere dawn!
You disturbed a great dream! I was getting it on
With that hot little actress named Charlize Theron!”
“I’m sorry,” he said, “We ran into a jet!
Poor Dasher and Dancer need to go to the vet.
And poor Prancer and Vixen both have broken bones
While Comet and Cupid can’t silence their moans.
It seems Donner and Blitzen can finish our task
But of you there’s a favor that I need to ask.”
I debated on hauling ass straight back to bed,
In hopes I could dream of Charlize giving head.
Curiosity, though, got the better of me.
I asked what he wanted, how bad could that be?
The old man then told me that I could assist
By delivering toys to every kid on his list.
Good old Donner and Blitzen would take me by air
While he treated his moose to some medical care.
And throughout the long night, I performed what was asked;
All the kids got their toys, just the way I was tasked.
When we finally returned to my home in the hills,
The other six moose had been cured of their ills.
Santa thanked me non-stop as he climbed into his sleigh
And called out his good-bye as he flew away,
“I just want to wish you sweet dreams and good luck!
And just you remember: They’re reindeer, you schmuck!”
Crunchy, that is really quite funny. I am impressed, and have a headache from laughing so hard.
How about a book series:
“Crunchy Frog’s Guide to Holiday Traditions You Never Heard Of”
“Crunchy Frog’s Book of New Holiday Carols for the 21st Century (whenever it starts)”
“Crunchy Frog’s A Christmas Carol”
“Crunchy Frog’s Guide to Outdoing Martha Stewart at her Own Game” subtitled “Pinecone and Arugula Centerpieces Are For Wimps”
Just some ideas - I hate to see such writing talent go to waste with boredom.
Yay! Now I have something to do to kill time tomorrow and Sunday! Thanks, screech-owl!. I may do the first three suggestions, but the Martha Stewart thing is right out!
I guess I’ll have to rent a copy of the movie (I’m not gonna bother reading, wht are you nuts?) and make a list of the main characters so I don’t leave anyone out. Off the top of my head I can think of:
Ebenezer Scrooge
Bob Cratchett
Tiny Tim
Jacob Marley
The 3 ghosts
minor characters-
Mrs. Cratchett - Xmas present ghost scene and Xmas day scene
Cratchett children - Xmas present ghost scene and Xmas day scene
Scrooge’s nephew (invites him to party) beginning and Xmas present ghost scene - defends Scrooge to others at party
Fezziwig (Scrooge’s employer as a young man) Xmas past ghost scene
Scrooge’s girlfriend (can’t remember her name -gave back his engagement ring) Xmas past ghost scene
Scrooge’s sister - Xmas past ghost scene
gleaners (cleaned out Scrooge’s house of bedclothes and valuables) and ‘pawnbroker’ - Xmas future ghost scene
small boy who runs to butcher’s shop - Xmas day scene (who the heck goes shopping on Xmas day?)
Dangit, now I have to rent the movie to make sure I am correct. :mad: Ah, it’ll give me something to do tonight.
Yeah, you’re right about posters and mods. But you’re the creative one - it is your story.
ya know, Crunchy, this reminded me how mad I am for you, and tho I know I can never claim you as my own, I am content nonetheless to worship you from afar…
Froggy, your verbosity overwhelms my delicate sensiblities. I’m agog with the profundity of your prolixity. How can I resist the allure of your acumen?
And you thought I was just a pretty face.
[sub]::sneaks in and quickly lands a big kiss on Crunchy’s cheek and runs away::[/sub]
::Saunters back in looking rather nochalant (sp?)::
Hey Crunchy, that was a piece of literary genius - very impressed and now you have cured me of my boredom and given me an idea of something to do at work today.
